What I Did On My Mental Stabilization Weekend, By June Cleaver...


Is this thing on?

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz... OH! Sorry, I dozed off there for a moment. It is hell getting old let me tell you.

Well, I am back-actually, I was back last night but my bed was calling my name and it held me captive until well over 10am this morning! Can you believe it??? 10 freakin' a.m. Wow. It was better than sex and I can say that because it has been a long time since I had sex, but an even longer time since my body was in a coma past 6:45 a.m.

Thank goodness I did not have carpool this morning and the kids have discovered how to use their thumbs so getting dressed and making breakfast is easier for them now and they were up and out of the house before I was able to stumble to the toilet and pee. Side note: if you do not have a 14 year old daughter who keeps everyone in line like a drill Sergeant, I highly recommend you getting one.

The baby must have needed the sleep too because when I woke up at 10 I ran to her room to make sure she was still alive-don't tisk your tongue at me-you know as well as I do that when you are the mother of a baby and they sleep longer than usual the first thought that goes through your head is if they are still breathing. The second thought is usually if you should take a shower before you go check on their fate or not.... because if it is true that they are not breathing, do you really want to head off to the hospital without showering? Admit it-I am not the only one who wonders these things.

Anyway-I woke her up. The little boogie was still soundly sleeping. I smiled, pointed to the Heavens and winked at God thanking Him for loving me more than most today.

But you don't want to know about my morning do you? No, you want to know about the weekend-the weekend where all of the stars were aligned and we fended off hangovers simply by the sheer luck of our heritage. I feel sorry for people who are not Irish-I mean, how else could you drink 11 or 17 beers in a night and wake up ready for more? Poor sub-heritages.

Cousin Steve picked me up Friday night (after I sat between two twin college boys on the plane-thank you Spring Break 2009!) and he may or may not have had beer in the truck that we may or may not have drank a few before we headed out. Hey... this is Chicago people-there are no police officers.

We went straight to a local favorite bar/pizza place/restaurant/smoking section/old people hang out/young people hang out/middle aged people hangout. It was GREAT!

Steffie (a life long friend and old person) came and hung with us for a while and said more curse words than I had heard her say in my entire life and I have known her since I was 9 months old. She was just happy she could light up her ciggy indoors.

We saw many friends and spent the night laughing... and drinking... and eating. Good Lord I ate more in this weekend than I have eaten in the last month and I am afraid to step on the scale today. But, everything we ate either had cheese on it or it was fried so at least when I have my heart attack I will know who to blame... my mother in law (just because).

At about 2 a.m. we headed across the street to another local favorite establishment-they only served alcohol there so I was safe from pizza bread overload. We walked into the place like we owned it... because this is MY hometown man-I was born here... We DO OWN IT! The younger crowd liked this bar so I got to hit on kids 10 years younger than me... and then tell them I was married after they bought me three drinks.

Pffft... youngsters can be so naive.

At 3 a.m. we closed the place down, stirred up some shit in the parking lot with a guy named "Tony" who had stripped his shirt off and was thumping his chest like he was George of the Jungle. "Go Home Tony" became the saying of the weekend... so along with "WTF Jimmy" we now have "Go Home Tony!"

When the crowd grew bigger we were the smart old people who left before the cops came. Those youngsters were all still there waiting to get arrested. Again, youngsters are so naive.

The party moved to Cousin Steve's garage for another 2 hours and after many drunken tip toes through the house to go to the bathroom and loudly whispering and saying things like "DON'T WAKE UP THE WIFE!" or "I'M NOT EVEN TIRED AT ALL STEVE... STEVE? WAKE UP STEVE!" by 5 a.m. I was in a twin sized bed with butterflies and princesses all over me snoring and drooling.

So, if you are wondering... I started drinking at 8 p.m. and finished at 5 a.m. The Friday tally totals:

Steve: 17 beers, 2 shots, 3 packs of second hand smoke, and no one hit on him.
June: 11 beers, 2 shots (but I spilled one before I could get it up to my mouth). 3 packs of second hand smoke, and all of Steve's friends hit on me... and a few youngsters.

I will be back later with a recap of Saturday-when we went to my Aunt's house under the rouse of visiting when all we did was camp out on her lazy boy chairs and napped for an hour and then left.

I also have photo of the famous Aunt Barb that I would like to share.

And I need to tell you about all of the meat that my vegetarian ass consumed.

When in Rome right?

But right now I have to go change a poopie diaper, get in the shower, finish the taxes, pick up the kids from school, figure out something for dinner, vacuum, do some laundry and balance the checkbook.... but you can be sure I am doing it all with a smile because my brain has been rebooted and I am back to being as pleasant as June Cleaver can possibly be, which isn't very pleasant, but let's just say I am not feeling the urge the lock myself in the bathroom and hide away from my kids any time soon.




(Keri) Auburn Gal Always said...

Just so you know, I thought of you many times as I watched the young strappin' (ahem) Jonas Brothers movie. And as much as I enjoyed the very short scene where they removed their shirts, I have not changed my mind about you and your weekend.

You still suck.

(For the record, I'm not a pedophile. I just have a thing for dark-headed men with strong, muscular necks and smooth chests.)

(Also for the record, The Mighty Hunter is meeting me in Orlando Friday night. We will have a WHOLE WEEK together - unlike our normal 4 days. But we will be so friggin' tired from walking our feet to nubs at Disney World that we won't even need the benadryl/sleep-aids for the kids so we can figure out a way to get a little sumpin'-sumpin' in a regular hotel room with 2 double beds.)

(Any advice on that 2nd thing is greatly appreciated!)

rita said...

Vodka in their bottles. Works every time.

It sounds great, June. Just perfect!

june cleaver said...

Keri... in a galaxy far far away, The Ward and I went on a little vaca to San Diego. We took our mother in law with (so to call it a vaca is kind of an oxy-moron, but whatever) and we shared a hotel room with her (we were young and poor and it was easier to pay for one hotel room than 2)

We conceived our first born that weekend-in that hotel room-with my mother in law there. (a memory that I have NEVER let her in on)

How did we do it?

The bathroom has a lock on the door.

I'm just sayin'

Enjoy your week in Orlando!!!!

sAm said...

dang...after this last weekend I am envious of your Irish heritage...I'm a sub-heritage mutt. So anotherwords, it wasn't the amount I drank, it was my ancestors fault?? Cool. I'd hate to think I was to blame for this.

Counselormama said...

I just read your blog for the first time, your title intrigued me! You crack me up! This was a great story, sounds like you had a great time!

june cleaver said...

Counselormama-welcome! Make yourself at home... cold beer is in the fridge and please pick up after yourself-what do you think I am? A Maid?!

powdergirl said...

Sounds like a riot, I want a "cousin Steve" to party with! And yeah, the whole shower before welfare check occurred to me every time my kids slept in too.

Alicia said...

June, hi! Yeah! Welcome back, glad you had fun and everything else. Listen, honey, it's Monday. It's 5pm my time, which is central. I know it's not 5pm YOUR time, but it's 5pm MY time. It's Monday, June. Did you forget about MONDAY? I know your busy, blah, blah, blah. But exactly WHERE are the hotties? I haven't had a fix today. The only men I've seen today are my husband and the old guy who works in the office next door. C'mon, June!!


Agellius said...

I won't tisk you for wondering if your baby was alive, or for wondering if you should shower before checking same. But I will tisk you for apparently forgetting that it's Lent! Irish indeed!

june cleaver said...

Angellius... I did not eat meat on Friday and I went to Mass at 8:30 on Sunday morning-I even went to a Byzantine Catholic Mass-which in Lent means that it is no less than an hour and a half and you have to sing the entire Mass in a language that I do not speak-but can sing.

I think I am following all the rules of Lent to a tee... to a tee.


Agellius said...

June writes, "I think I am following all the rules of Lent to a tee . . ."

Yeah but . . . but . . .

Oh heck, I like you too much to tisk you again. Maybe my real problem is that I'm jealous. I can't remember the last time I hung out with someone who even *wanted* to stay up drinking until 5:00 a.m. ; )

june cleaver said...

well Agellius, you need to find new friends... I would suggest the Irish-they drink AND follow Lenten rules.


Agellius said...

June writes, "well Agellius, you need to find new friends... I would suggest the Irish-they drink AND follow Lenten rules."

lol. I'll have you know I *am* Irish, on my mom's side at least. I just don't have Irish friends. I'll keep my eyes open.

Cousin Steve said...

Friends that drink until 5 a.m. are the best friends to have. Provided you laugh as much as you drink!

june cleaver said...

Agellius... you can be our friend-new friends have to buy the beer though.

Just so's you know's

Urban Mom said...


Urban Kid 2 was conceived on a trip to see Urban Dad's father and stepmom in Albuquerque. Two words for you -- Ford. Taurus.


June, I'm thrilled that you had such a great and much deserved weekend. Looking forward to checking Cousin Steve's blog for his side of things! And I know what you mean about the baby sleeping late. The 1st time that U-Kid 1 slept through the night, we were completely freaked and didn't sleep a wink.

Schmoochiepoo said...

Wa-hoo! Sounds like you had a Fantabulous time with Cousin Steve.

Yes, you Irish folk can knock back the beers but...I am German/Russian/Ukrainian/Polish.
I grew up drinking homemade moonshine that would peel paint off the walls.

I'd love to see a Protesant Euro-Mutt go drink-to-drink with a Catholic Irish!

And bonus points for baby letting you sleep in :)

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a great weekend- you so deserved it.

Anonymous said...

and they could hardly keep their eyes open for Cousin Steve's party...but we had alot of fun with June and Cousin Steve.
Great kids from great families!
Aunt Barbara