Welcome To My World...

As you all know, I spent the weekend in the Chicago area getting disgustingly drunk on Friday and then paying the price for it on Saturday. I did not have a hang over, I just had an overwhelming need-urge-nagging to fall asleep the entire day.
At one point Cousin Steve and I did fall asleep-when we went to go visit little Aunt Rose-who is 3 foot 6 on a good day. We called her midget Rose, but that is not politically correct so we changed it to Aunt Rosie. Midget Rose-er, Aunt Rosie is Steve's mom. I know. It is like when I was a kid and we had a toy poodle named Mandy who weighed all of 5 lbs. and she went and got herself pregnant (actually, my parents paid some lady to let her dog have sex with my dog-poor Mandy, she just wanted to find a warm spot to curl up and nap in and her masters go and pay some dog to have sex with her. I would have been so pissed.) Anyway, Mandy had a great big puppy-just one-who was 3/4 the size of her when he was born. Mandy never spoke to my parents again after that. Every time I look at Aunt Rosie and Cousin Steve I think of Mandy and her big puppy. I don't know why...
A while ago I took pics off of the Six-Pack because of some of you wackos out there-you know who you are-but seeing as my family is made up of attention getting whores, I decided to post some pics from Cousin Steve's Birthday party Saturday night.
No, I do not have any pics of Friday night. We didn't even bring our cameras along. Pffft. We aren't stupid.
Here is a unusual moment between Steve and I where we are both calm and standing still. This does not happen often. Notice how I have my hands in a death grip on him-that was to hold him down.

Do you see this? How old are you Steve? Seriously. Do you know that I have no less than 142 pictures like this from my childhood? You see... I am the cool one-so he always had to try and make me look bad. Nice try pansie.

Here is the famous Aunt Barb-you all know her and love her-ain't she beautiful? Next to her is my Cousin Heather who none of you know... but I could change that real quick. She is some big shot in her hometown-runs it or something like that. Maybe I should change her name before I go on seeing as she does not want to get fired.... let's call her Cousin SugarTits. That is a good one.

Here we are again... Aunt Barb made us take every picture at least three times all night but we had to change our positions each time. Something Uncle Don taught her I am sure. *wink*

AND... here we are again, Aunt Barb, SugarTits and myself. This photo was Aunt Barb's idea too. She said that if we turned around and the whipped our heads back right as the camera was taking the picture we would look like supermodels with our long flowing hair. I don't know where Aunt Barb comes up with these kookie ideas.

"So a Priest and a rabbi walks into a bar...."
Another photographic genius of Aunt Barb's. Cousin Steve's mannipples actually are in the shape of clovers-it is something he was self conscious about in high school--locker room bullies and all--but he has learned to embrace his clover mannipples and can laugh at himself now, which is a good thing because we have been laughing at him for years.
Here is my Aunt Judi (with an "i") why do I always say it that way? Well... it seems Aunt Judi was born a Judy but didn't like the "y" so one day she decided to change it to an "i". True story-crazy as it sounds. Aunt Judi wears more gold on her fingers than King Tut himself and she has the prettiest nails around. I make sure I am always nice to Aunt Judi-you never know what she is going to do with all of that gold.

Here is the Cousin Steve family-aren't they just adorable? If I ever get so drunk as to get a sex-change, I would marry a girl just like Christina. She is a superwoman-and she does it all with a smile on her face. If anyone should have the title "June Cleaver" it is her. She made the most amazing beef sandwiches that yes, my vegetarian ass ate and moaned in ecstasy the entire time. I knew I was back home when food was turning me on.

Can you see the affect of no sleep and 17 beers starting to set in on this picture? Aunt Judi gave Steve a dollar for his birthday... score! It's the little things that mean the most.
I would post more, but you do not want to see SugarTits dancing on the table or our Cousin Johnny tossing Steve out the back door and then telling him that he is using the wrong gasoline in his truck and what was he thinking? "Just deal with it and quit being a pansie." That is what Johnny said-honest. He talks like that and we all listen because he is bigger than us and he has the nicest smile this side of the Dan Ryan. I am going to do an entire post on Johnny soon-just because I think he is that cool. He is a man's man, a tough guy, a loner, a rebel... and when his wife calls on his cell phone he rants and raves about having a "leash" and slowly puts his boots on and heads home to his house full of boys-all boys, and one wife who rules the roost. But he is in charge. No doubt about that. Uh-huh.


rita said...

My family isn't nearly as much fun. They don't drink.

(Note that I said "THEY" don't drink.)

Anonymous said...

That Aunt Barbara is a hoot! The life of the party. Especially like the one with the hair fanning out. Where is your hair, Barb? Love your blogs, June.


Anonymous said...

SugarTits? Can't we come up with something better that is maybe rated G. How am I going to have my children read this when they are 21? We had a great time this past weekend. Case of beer... $20. St. Patrick Party Favors... Walmart Special $15.00. Having a great time and laughing especially when it is with family...priceless.

Heather (Super Model)

Traffic Cop Timmy said...

Great post June. Looks like you have a terrific family. Cousin Steve with the deer in the headlights look - does he practice that?

I know I kid you a lot (and now I have 3 blogs to use since Cousin Steve started his), but it is all in fun. Kind of that anonymous interwebs thing we can all get away with!

Hope you have a great week and get a chance to dry out!

june cleaver said...

Cousin SugarTits... what is this "G rated" thing that you speak of? I have never heard of it.

Timmy-don't worry my friend. Just watch your back. I have a great memory and I may one day strike back.

No worries though~sleep well.

That Girl said...

I found your blog yesterday and I love it!

Floyd R. Turbo said...

June, Steve's man nipples needed some hair and a piercing like that awful photo Rufus made me post (that was Rich by the way).

Traffic Cop Timmy said...

Just watch your back. I have a great memory and I may one day strike back.

Oy. That can't be good. Try to serve it cold, if you do.

june cleaver said...

That Girl-welcome! I can't promise the place will always be clean, but help yourself to the cookies on the counter.

Floyd-I knew all along that was a pic of Rich. I could tell by his... eyes.

warren said...

Poor Steve...you told about his man nipples and he still drinks with you?! Blood relations surely are strong!

Rob said...

Thank you for changing Aunt Rosie's name. As a charter member of FOM (Friend's of Midgets) I was deeply offended.

June's MA said...

Hey! I don't know why you even like Cousin Steve. June was born on Aunt Rosie's birthday and I thought it would be appropiate to return the favor but Cousin Steve was born TWO DAYS AFTER MY BIRTHDAY! Just for that reason I never send "Aunt Rosie" a birthday card. Of course I don't send b-day cards like my perfect sisters. Aunt Barbara even sent me two cards this year!

Anyway glad you had a great time. I love that family loves each other. Grandma Mac's (my ma) prayer was always "I pray you kids will all be speaking to each other when you are grown" God is Good!


June MA

Anonymous said...

June's MA
Yeah, mom cried about that several times when we were growing up so we would stop fighting with each other. That's what made me not worry when my kids argued...I knew that they would stick together as adults.
Aunt Barbara

TRO said...

Heather is brunette with big hooters.

Me likey . . .

june cleaver said...

Hey! Those aren't hooters! Those are sugartits.

And she is actually blonde but dyes he hair to keep the crazies away... little did she know that one day she would be on this blog and you would have found her.


Anonymous said...

June, I have got to get a word in too! Just call me Mrs. Got Rocks!!! We are a great family and priceless. Tell June Ma that I sent a card too. Maybe in old age she forgot......
I worked today and can not understand how people can pick up bird seed and bird house in pet and deposit it clear across the store in fabric. When they decide they don't want it. priceless.
What happened to my lips in that picture. I am better looking than that picture. HA!
Let me tell you how I got Judi. In 7th grade as you know my name is Judith. Well I just dropped the TH. And that's the truth.
Aunt Judi

Schmoochiepoo said...

I think I like reading the comments more than the posts!

It's like listening in on the family sitting in the pew behind you on Sunday morning arguing. :)
{thats an awkwardly said sentence but you get the point right?}

Ya'll are a freakin hoot!