3.20.2009

Six-Pack Attention Deficit Disorder...

Reason #423 why I am a bad mom...

I hate to go to the co-misery (grocery) so much so that I would rather have my fingernails pulled out and then fake nails glued right over my raw bleeding nail beds than go to the co-misery. I don't know why-it is much like my daunting fear of having to go to the post office. Anyway-I will wait until the very last possible moment to make this trip... I realized that day was yesterday when I sent my children to school with a sandwich of bread and butter, a handful of crackers that have been in the pantry since 1998 and olives.


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I read that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer broke up again-this time for good. Phew... I was starting to worry.


The other day I heard a radio station talking about it and they seem to think something is wrong with Aniston that she can't hold on to a man. Did anyone ever think that maybe the men aren't good enough to hold on to her? I mean... what is THEIR problem that they aren't doing everything in their God-given abilities to make her happy? Why is it the woman's fault?


I mean, it is the same as scientists making a pill for men to give them an erection so they can have sex into their 90's but no one has figured out how to stop menstrual cramping and PMS. It must be the woman's fault that we still have these issues.

pffft.


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Do you Twitter? I don't. I am not good at one-liners. I know people who are good at the one-liner art form and who should be on Twitter... but then I would get nothing done during my day because I would be checking Twitter to see what witty twittery thing they had to say at 10:42 and then again at 11:12 and so on.


And where do these people get the time to Twitter all day? Seriously-I have seen some Twitters with a constant 24/7 dialog. It makes my head hurt just thinking about it. I bet they have laundry piled up and 3 inches of dust on their furniture. Disgusting.


But... if you do find time in your day to check out someone on Twitter, check her out.


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Twilight will be out on DVD tomorrow, March 21. I don't know about you... but I know where I will be at 12:01 tonight.

Oh Yeah.


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Today is the first day of Spring! Do you know what this means? It means warmer weather is coming!

Do you know what else this means? It means I will be seeing more of these on the road.





I love Spring.

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Matthew McConaughey has a new movie coming out May 1. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.





I have cleared my calendar and will be at the movie theater on the first day of May... alright, alright, alright.

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I have been reading The Little Sleep by Paul Tremblay.

If you are looking for a tongue-in-cheek sardonic look at life... go grab it today. You won't be sorry.

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One last thought... I love Julia Roberts. I do. But I love Clive Owen more.




Swoon.

28 comments:

Maria Grace said...

I totally 100% agree with you about Jennifer Aniston- she dates losers and is too good for them.

June, can you help me? Today I blogged about springtime, and when I got to the part about shirtless sweaty men I just couldn't find great pictures... help Queen of the Swoon!

rita said...

I've got Target's "free" download of Twilight. Tomorrow. There's no way I can stay up past 8 tonight.

I plan to well-rested.

rita said...

Oh, and that photo? Those hands--what are they doing?

june cleaver said...

Maria-I'll see what I can do. Just let me look into my magic bag... do you want famous or notorious, young or old? I need details.

Rita... I don't know what he is doing with those hands in the photo... but whatever it is, I'd like to dream that he was thinking of me while doing it.

giggle.

Maria Grace said...

Ideally I need young, hot, random shirtless men, playing sports or running or something... this is meant to show one of the reasons why spring is such a great season :)
feel free to wander to the blog for the context (and to see the guys i've got so far)!

Rufus T. Firefly said...

One of the few times I ever got really furious with Mrs. Firefly was when, as a stay at home mom, she would fail to keep the house stocked with milk, bread or crackers. It didn't happen often, but when it did it drove me nuts. My analogy, "it's like me going to work and forgetting to wear pants!" I don't ask for much from the mother of our children. I am a man of simple means, but keeping the kids alive should be somewhere on her list of concerns. To fully understand my consternation you must also know that Mrs. Firefly does dozens of recognizance missions each day; scoping out Marshall's, Target, Steinmart, Home Goods... to see if that lamp she wants has been marked down from 15% off to 20% off, or if the blouse she bought last week is now on sale... She is in stores all day long, every day. She keeps a flawless mental log of hundreds of clothing and household items and their prices across dozens of stores... Is it too much to expect her to include milk, bread and crackers in that encyclopedic, shopping brain?!

june cleaver said...

Rufus... I thought I would respond before you were torn limb by limb by the Six-Packers...

What is WRONG with you man? Do you not know that the moment you make a DEMAND upon a woman she will do everything in her power to resist said demand if only to drive you stark raving mad?

And another thing... does Mrs. Firefly (that Saint that I know she is)go into your work place and suggest that you stock paper clips or make additional copies or even forward that one really funny fart joke to all of your co-workers?

No-she stays out of your work place... try staying out of hers.

You know I say all of this with love and admiration.

All hail Threedonia.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

June,

I can understand why you think I'm a moron. Right after I posted this comment I realized I was inviting, nay begging the Six-Packers to tear me to shreds. What kind of a fool leaves a comment on an all Moms blog complaining about his wife's shopping skills?

So, you're right to assume I'm an idiot, and you're also right about her Sainthood, but, you need more information. First, the several times I discovered we had no milk, bread or crackers in the house I resisted the tremendous urge I had to complain to her about it. A few times I even had to step outside and count to 10 (more like 110), but I never once brought it up to her. Not even a sarcastic, "Do you think, the next time you're at Target looking to see if that end table we don't need has been marked down an additional 5%, you could pop over to the grocery aisle and buy a gallon of milk so our children don't die of osteoporosis?!" No, I didn't even do that. I held my tongue. I may be a fool, but I'm not a complete fool. I know that making her aware of my upsetment all but guarantees it will be a cold day in heck before I ever see a cracker or slice of bread in the Firefly larder.

Now, what you must also understand is when I have discovered these inexcusable lapses in housewifery it was because I was in the kitchen trying to feed the Little Fireflies, usually because I wanted her to have a chance to sleep in and get some rest. I'll have a bowl full of flour (and usually one or more of the Little Fireflies has a friend or seven sleeping over), baking powder, etc., and I'm about to make pancakes and I open the fridge... No milk! How can a household with a husband who has a job ever, ever run out of milk?!

Or, here's the other scenario; I come home from a rough day at the salt mines; there is no dinner made. Now, most nights Mrs. Firefly makes a great dinner and I understand there are going to be days where things come up and she doesn't have time to make dinner. So, I walk in the door, see there's no dinner waiting for me... I do not complain, don't say a peep. I start making something for myself, a can of soup... Soup's ready, I put it in a bowl... No crackers! No freakin' crackers!! Or, I walk to the fridge and try to make a sandwich out of whatever we've got, I'm not picky... I get some cheese out, lunchmeat, whatever we have... No bread! No freakin' bread!!

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Oh yeah, and she stores the peanut butter in the refrigerator. Her mother and father are from Germany and Germans don't eat peanut butter, so when her mom discovered it in America she kept it in the fridge, so Mrs. Firefly does the same. So when I go to make myself or one of the Little Fireflies a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and look for the peanut butter in the pantry, it's never there. It's in the refrigerator! You can't spread refrigerated peanut butter on bread. It tears the bread! I have told her this a hundred times, but she still insists peanut butter will spoil if not refrigerated. I've asked her to show me on the label where it says that... I've asked her to show me how to spread refrigerated peanut butter on a slice of bread without tearing the bread... None of this matters. We have the same problem with honey. I've explained to her that archaeologists have found honey thousands of years old in the bowels of pyramids (and the ancient Egyptians did not have Viking Sub Zeroes), and it's still edible. Honey does not spoil! "Have you ever seen a bee die of trichnosis?!" I'll ask... Yet my honey and peanut butter still get moved back into the fridge within minutes of my relocating them to the pantry. Do you see what I have to put up with? Now do you understand?! Job's life was a picnic compared to what I have to put up with.

june cleaver said...

Rufus-damn you for having your "I'm a poor husband of a woman who doesn't buy milk" tyrade during Lent when I am trying my darndest to be nice to stupid people!

I will say this though... you are in trouble. I am forwarding this here tantrum to Mrs. Firefly herself and then attaching the personal phone number to one George Clooney (don't ask me how I have his personal phone number-I will never reveal my "contacts")

You think it is rough not having milk and bread and crackers (who in their right mind demands to have crackers on hand at all times? Only a man who can eat white flour and not gain a pound-another reason for me to shake my finger at you)just wait until you are living without these things and sleeping on the couch.

AND... did you ever think of giving your sweet wife a phone call on your way home from "work" or rather the place where you stand around and talk about where you are going to go out to lunch and then surf the internet the rest of the day for all things related to zombies or cars-and asking her if she would like you to pick up some milk or bread or crackers or chocolate... and then grabbing a bunch of flowers while you are there because you are happy for the simple fact that you woke up to clean underpants and refrigerated peanut butter (that she is only putting in the fridge for fear that you will get sick if left in the pantry-that is how much she loves you.)

But-you keep on complaining. We'll see how far that gets in you.

Good luck my friend. Godspeed.

*wink*

Rufus T. Firefly said...

I frequently do stop off and buy her flowers on my way home from work and I don't need to call her on the way home because she calls me cellphone no less than 17 times a day, everyday and I don't stand around at work talking about which fabulous restaurant I'll have lunch at, today we talked about having lunch somewhere with TVs so we could watch the NCAA tourney.

Why did I think anyone at the Six Pack would understand?! You all defend anyone of the same gender, no matter what her crimes. It's a conspiracy. A vast, double x chromosome conspiracy! And I will neither confirm nor deny Mrs. Firefly's interest in Mr. Clooney but I could easily take that flabby lightweight and I'm more handsome too!

june cleaver said...

ohhh, I'm sorry Rufus-I did not realize that you wanted sympathy for being married to a wonderful woman.

Hang on... let me go find my violin.

Oh, and if you wanted some good smacks on the back and a few "Damn straight man! Say it loud and say it proud!" propaganda you need to be looking at blogs like TRO and Outlaw.

We here at the Six-Pack uphold all that is sacred, all that is correct, and all that is of the female anatomy.

Chin Up-Chests out gals... there is a complaining husband in the room.

gird you loins.

warren said...

I'd just like to thank you for putting a picture of Julia on your blog...she is the hottest woman around (aside from my wife and you June)

june cleaver said...

Rufus... do you see the way Warren left a message on the Six-Pack. He first thanked me-and then complimented his wife-and then, which is very important... he complimented me.

That is the correct way to comment.

I thought I read you the rules months ago.

Maria Grace said...

Mr. Firefly... all I have to say is: babs. peanut butter in the fridge? boohooooo to you. i am so grateful to be single right now it is amazing! Thank you for making my weekend that much brighter!

TRO said...

I don't claim to be an expert on anything - and certainly not women - but I will bet a month's salary that Jennifer Aniston is the problem. The common denominator in her breakups is her.

Oh, and Julia Roberts? She walks like a man and is only slightly less horse-face looking than Sarah Jessica Parker.

Anonymous said...

June, have you got any " nekid" pictures of Edward? I would be happy to pose with him! YOu do know the difference between naked and nekid? Nekid means you are up to know good. I would love to be up to no good with him!!!!

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Mea culpa, Mea culpa, Mea maxima culpa! I was wrong. Women are great, men are evil. We are lucky you choose to spend anytime with us. Please forgive my ridiculous, childish outburst.

(and I just took the peanut butter and honey out of the fridge and hid them in a spot in the pantry where she'll never find 'em...)

Counselormama said...

I hate, hate, hate going grocery shopping! I feel your pain on that, also I have been to the co-misery with my friend on base and wow! Very overstimulating,ugh.

FLYNAVY said...

Ms. Cleaver, you wouldn't happen to have Jennifer Aniston's personal phone #...now that she's available I might want to ring her up. [Just to offer my list of single & multi divorced aviator buddies, of course.]
Mr. Rufus, man up Nancy. Pick up a few groceries on the way home from work if you think it's necessary to have food in the house. Us guys are genetically disposed to be the hunter gatherers, anyway groceries are heavy. Sides, shopping @ the xchange gives us a chance to stock up on ice cream sandwiches, cashews, beans, candy bars, chocolate syrup [trust me on the chocalate syrup, you need this] & other unhealthy foodstuffs that ladies don't think we need in our diet.
Ms. Flynavy can keep the peanut butter anywhere she damn well pleases...she has other mad skilz that takes my mind off of how our peanut butter is stowed & besides, cold peanut butter applied in a certain way will make you forget your own name.
& lastly, have always concidered olives a vegetable & kids need their vegetables.
Buzzy

june cleaver said...

Hmmm... june cleaver thinks that Buzzy is happy the weekend is here and he is frisky!

You crack me up Buz-and make me blush a little too.

You Navy boys...

OH-and I'll see what I can do about getting you Jennifer Aniston's personal phone number for your-uh-friends... It may cost you though.

*wink*

Urban Mom said...

Hi June,
Nabbed the photo of Edward/Robert for today's post. Gave you props!!!!

momto5minnies said...

I HATE grocery shopping too and I will do everything I can to avoid the post office.

I really want to see the Julia Roberts movie. You know what my daughter told me last weekend when I was glued to the TV watching NottingHill? She told me that Julia Roberts is ugly and I am so much prettier than her. THIS is why child #2 is my favorite and will get a seat next to me tonight to watch TWILIGHT ;)

Anonymous said...

Blockbuster Video is still around? huh.
I'm a RedBox fan, no surly video store clerk to deal with.

Also...

Why is Rufus quoting a Latin phrase from Mass? A good Catholic husband would NEVER talk about the mother of his children the way he has. I'm calling the Pope! *wink wink*

Anonymous said...

Dear Rufus,
I feel your pain. My husband is retired and has all day long to do what he likes. He has taken over making sure we have milk in the house, but can't figure out that when the bread is gone he should go to the store and get a loaf.
I say a loaf because I can't stand bread that has been in the freezer.
Call me crazy, but I like fresh bread. Just keep hiding that peanut butter and honey, Honey.
Aunt Barbara

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Aunt Barbara! Thank you so much for coming to my aid and talking some sense into these insane people on your niece's blog, and I agree with you about refrigerated bread; yukk! I promised my 8 year old daughter that I'd teach her how to make home-made bread tonight, so I'm looking forward to going home and doing that.

june cleaver said...

oh-I will agree with both Aunt Barb and old Rufus... frozen bread is the WORST!

fresh is best

I only buy from our local bread distrubutor and when I drive past and smell fresh bread baking I wonder how anyone can live within 5 miles of the place!

Anonymous said...

Rufus,
Let us know all about the bread making with your daughter. I smile just thinking about how much she is going to enjoy baking bread with HER dad. You are building memories, my friend. Very good memories.
Aunt Barbara