My Shower Drain Coughed Up a Hair Ball Today...

Getting ready for vaca (have I mentioned enough on this blog that I am going on VACA?) I decided that I needed a little refresher in the hair department, so I headed on over to my hair salon. Now, this salon is one of the hip and hop type of salons where the stylists have the kind of hair you only see on the runway in Milan, not in the suburbs of Washington DC. They also have tattoos and piercing in numerous body parts. This does not turn me off as I myself have a tattoo and I have been pierced in a place other than my ear (my belly button if you must know).

While there I mentioned to Heather, my stylist, that I was what? Going on vaca. She insisted that I get a bikini wax since I was going to the beach and would be sauntering around in a bathing suit all day (that is what I do, I saunter, walking is just too boring for vaca). I mulled this over in my head while she was clipping and cutting my hair. I always say I am going to get a bikini wax, but to be honest, I always chicken out. There is something about having a girl who is young enough to be my daughter ripping hair out of my groin that just frightens me.

I almost decided to sign my vah-jay jay away when the waxist (is that what a waxer is called? A waxist?) Anyway, I was almost signing my name to the "We are not responsible if the hot wax burns your under regions" paperwork when the waxist walked out of the waxing room. She had a pierced nose with a chain that led to her pierced lip and she wore more eyeliner than a 5 year old in a Miss Little Beauty pageant. This all still did not bother me until she lifted her arm and I noticed that she had armpit hair! Now I ask you, what kind of waxist has armpit hair?

I decided that I did not need my bikini area waxed and headed home. When I got home I jumped in the shower because I was still in need of a little maintenance in the lower love box so I pulled out a brand spankin new razor and got to work.

Now, we all know I have Deodorant OCD, and Mascara OCD ... well I have discovered today that I apparently have pubic OCD as well. I need serious help.

Once I got to shaving, I could not stop! One side would always be a little uneven and the constant even-ing out kept getting me closer and closer to a Brazilian... or as I like to call it now, a "Britney Spears." I even grabbed a mirror to give myself a better angle but it kept fogging up and so I started cursing, and if any of you know me, you would know that once I start with the cursing... all hell is about to break lose.

I could not stop myself-I did not know how much would be enough or too little. I did not want to walk around the beach with any stray hairs peeking out to say hello... I also did not want to look like I should enter in the "most unique moustache" contest this weekend.

I am a believer in hair down there for the simple fact that it is like an extra covering to your secrets. I can be nekid as a jay-bird, but be confident in the fact that I have a little something left to the imagination. You can't be mysterious if you leave all of your business on display. But, since my pregnancy I have been looking a little bush woman-ish, granola if you will ("granola" is what we called the "natural" girls in college who did not shave their legs). I don't know what it is with pregnancy, but I do know that before I ever had kids I never had to worry about shaving down under... I assumed I would have a neat little upside down triangle all of my life. Imagine my surprise when my triangle morphed into a pentagon.

This was the part of the shower where my cursing turned angry because I started to think about men who have hair on their legs, chest, butt, back, in their ears, hanging out of their noses, and of course... in their britches. They do not shave or wax. They do not worry if any hair will be peeking out from under their knee length baggy comfortable bathing suit. Noooo, they get to be all hairy and comfortable. Sure they have to shave their faces... but I can GAR-ON-TEE you my husband will not shave his face once while we are on vaca and I will be shaving my legs, pits, bikini area and the occasional mole hair all week long! Oh the injustice! I almost protested the entire cha-cha shaving expedition but I was too far up the mountain to stop and head back to base. I was too far into my OCD.

Eventually I stepped out of the shower feeling a little like a sheep after being shaved of all of their wool. I did however hop on the scale to see if losing all of the "National Geographic" hair would make a difference. I hopped off the scale and then on again, off again and on. I blinked a few times and sighed heavily. I apparently have "weigh myself on the scale until I get the same weight two times in a row" OCD as well.
I seriously need medication.


Dana said...

What is it with us women that we let our men grow into cavemen while we think that we need to be shaved (or waxed) bare for them?

Have a great va-ca-ca and don't worry about the vah jay jay! (Did you catch the rhyme?)

Lauren said...

Great story! You made my day. I love your blog and check it every day!

So I have a question. Anyone have any idea how to shave down there and avoid the irritation bumps? I don't shave it all but as you said, for those special times like vaca I shave rather than wax. Is it the type of razor?

I would greatly appreciate the advice. Thanks!

Toni said...

OMG! Cris you are killing me! I know what you mean about the hubs not shaving while on leave- Kenny is the same way and it drives me NUTS! I still have to shave!

Glad you didn't go for the wax- my close friend did it a while back- although it was great blogging material for me, she will never do it again!

Have a great time sauntering on the beach!

moosh in indy. said...

Learning to wax your nether regions at home is a valuable skill to learn. I'd teach you, but are we that good of friends yet?

Biddy said...

tehehe you make me laugh! you HAVE to read my brazillian post: http://biddysworld.blogspot.com/2006/08/what-was-i-thinking.html

have a great time on vacation!!

oh, and lauren...there is a special cream to use down there when you shave. it's called Bikini Zone or something like that. it helps, but unless you wax, you're most likely going to have bumps

diana said...

I hate waiting for the growing out stage for a wax--don't you need to be 1/4 inch long for that?

I find I spend more time getting ready for my obgyn (who probably would never care) than shaving for the beach...but then I am pretty meticulous about that stuff...

Lauren, I have used waterproof makeup for those bumps with some results.

kristi said...

You are hilarious!! I did this myself this week and I am not OCD about it so I had to do more the next day to even it out!

Cris said...

Moosh... teach away oh dear friend-just don't send picture tutorials!
Lauren, I have found that if you shave more frequently than every 6 months or so... you won't have bumps. Back when I cared about my appearance, I used to have to shave the lower love region every stinkin' day for no bumps, or 6 o'clock shadow. Now I have children, therefore I usually look like a Tribe woman in National Geographic.