I Could Have Been Arrested By The Wal Mart Security Guard!

Yesterday I had to go to WalMart, or as I like the refer to it as "The Gates of Hell!" I usually avoid WalMart like the plague but my husband told me that they had boy's baseball pants for only $3 and could I possibly risk my life and the safety of my children and go to WalMart in order to save a buck.

While there, my 4 year old decided to act like a lunatic. Seriously, the moment we walked through the doors and the senior citizen on a scooter welcomed us, my daughter became a living nightmare. It is like there are subliminal messages being played through the speakers I swear!

She asked for this, she asked for that and when I told her no you would think I had told her that she had to place a hot poker in her eye because the screaming and moaning that came out of her mouth was excruciating.

So there I was, dragging a kicking and screaming toddler through WalMart... something I am sure they are used to seeing. As I am holding her hand in mine-which was much like holding a monkeys hand in mine-I could feel hot anger welling up inside of me.

I knew that I had two choices. The first was to spank her right there in WalMart for all of the security cameras to capture and then wind up on MSNBC saying things like "You would have spanked her too Chris Hansen!" or "I spank therefore I am!" and the second was to give up on the $3 baseball pants and head home immediately with my dignity and child in tact.

I chose door number two and drove home with her writhing and thrashing in her car seat as if she were possessed by the WalMart demons and let me tell you, a 4 year old can really hurt a person's feelings. Things like "I. DON'T. LIKE. YOU." were spoken, and "I. WANT. MY. DADDY." was said. I didn't tell her this but I wanted her Daddy too so that he could see what I go through and so that he could have spanked her and saved me from having to be the mean parent once again.

She spent the remainder of the afternoon in her room. In bed. At times like these I always try and figure out why her head is spinning around and she is beyond the land of sugar and spice. I think that maybe she needs more sleep, more love, more ice cream, less sugar, more vegetables, another playmate, less playmates, more stimulation, less stimulation, more books read to her, more time on my lap, a million dollars... I don't know.

What I do know is that this is a stage and I am one tough cookie. I will outlast the screamfest tour of 2007 and eventually she will give up-right? I don't know what the big deal is and why life is so hard that she has to scream.

I have decided to blame my husband for all of this because she is obviously getting her flare for the dramatic from his side. My side is so much more even-keeled. Seriously...


Kasia said...

OK, Cris, I have to tell you a couple of things.

First, I think Wal-Mart has that effect on all children. Go to my blog and click the link on my blogroll called Behind the Counter - it's written by a Wal-Mart customer service rep who hates the place as much as you do. (I hate it too, but I brave it once every couple of months to stock up on stuff like paper products and Tide. And when I need to pick something up for the homeless shelter or the giving tree at church...what can I say, they have really cheap toothpaste and pens!) When s/he refers to "howler monkeys" s/he is referring to children. I wasn't going to mention that, but since you said it was like holding a monkey's hand...

The second thing I had to tell you is about my nephew. Now, he is a sweet, reasonably obedient, very well-behaved six-year-old. However, my brother has told me about when they walk into Wal-Mart. The story that jumps out for me is when he decided he HAD to have McDonald's (b/c of course they have McDonald's in Wal-Mart, the sadistic fiends), and when my brother said no, my nephew proceeded to sniffle...and whimper...and say things like "I'm sooo hungry. Why won't you let me eat?" for passersby to hear so they could shoot horrified looks at my brother and sister-in-law. (I might add that they live in the Bay Area, where perfect strangers feel at perfect liberty to stop and chew you out for smoking a cigarette outdoors with your child nearby, so the odds that someone would've called Protective Services are higher than in most areas.)

Wal-Mart is evil, especially for people with children. Any money you save there will be automatically offset by one or more of the following:

a) the money you spend on junk to appease your child-cum-terrorist;

b) the price of a baby-sitter so you can brave the horror of Wal-Mart without your howler monkeys in tow;

c) the legal fees for spanking or throttling your apparently demon possessed child who is in the throes of Wal-Mart.

Biddy said...

wal mart and kids...what an evil combination. They should provide childcare at the front of the store, so the kids don't even get the chance to see all the cheap CRAP they "neeeeeeeeeeeeeed"

no wonder a friend of mine has vowed to ONLY shop online until her children are in 2nd grade haha

Shauna Loves Chocolate said...

I avoid taking the kids to Wal-Mart at all costs... Oy.

andi said...

I'm glad you both escaped relatively unscathed. I have a total love/hate relationship with Wal-Mart. I love the cheapness, but hate so much else about it (the size of the bloody place, the way they treat their workers, etc). If only I weren't such a sucker when it comes to saving a few bucks.

Momto5Minnies said...

You would not get arrested in WalMart ... trust me. I have seen far worse happenings there :o

It has happened to me with #5 and I just prefer to leave and forget it. Then I make sure to complain to my husband so that he feels bad for me, AND then lets me go out all alone to get the job done.

Really my husband is a good guy, and encourages my independent shopping. Most of the time I am just so darn tired at night to take it.

Cris said...

Aw Elaine... I have no make up needs, I am naturally beautiful! I'd be your friend for free~

Michelle said...

My daughter, the one who is just about the same age as yours, is doing the exact same stuff. I really don't remember any of the other kids being like this at 3 and 4 years old. "I want a new Mommy" is spoken on a regular basis. I say, "I want a new Jenny" but it doesn't help. Unbelievable.

Cris said...

Michelle~I don't remember my older two every behaving like this either... but then again I have motherhood amnesia.