On our way to vacation, I was reading the book Mom to Mom, Day by Day by Danielle Bean and in it there is a chapter on being open to more children. This is a subject that occupies much of the conversations between my husband and me. The thought of having more children frightens the crap out of us… to the point where we are basically living as friends rather than lovers as of late.
I read this in the book: “For married couples, children are God’s choicest blessings.” That completely struck me. How right Danielle Bean is~my children are a blessing to my husband and I… so why was I having such a hard time with the thought of having more children?
I decided to pray. The first night at the beach house (I am on VACA remember?) I said a prayer. I prayed that Carl and I would be open to God’s will… whatever it is.
The next morning Carl was in a foul foul mood. I knew this mood was the product of my prayer because ever stinkin’ time I pray for my husband’s heart to be open to God’s will for something… he fights it with every cell in his body. He does not realize he is doing this because I do not tell him that I have been praying for him, but it is apparent to me. I know that God is pressing something on his heart and the controlling characteristics that my husband has are in chaos between his grey matter and his cardiac organ.
I on the other hand was completely as peace. More at peace with my children than I had been in a long time. Their little “make me crazy” routines were not so frazzling to me and I was able to actually enjoy them a little more than usual.
As I sat on the beach with Hope and Aaron playing in the waves and Emma building a sand castle I started to feel complete joy in my role as their mother. My children smell of the ocean air and they look so beautiful all tan and glistening in the sunshine. At that very moment I felt God say to me, “Don’t worry. Relax. Enjoy your children. Do not worry about tomorrow.”
So that is what I am going to do. I am going to stop worrying and keep praying for my heart to be open to God’s will. This does not mean that I will be completely free with my love making-I am not going to be like a hippy at Woodstock… no way Jose. I am still paying close attention to my ovulation calendar and if my husband is looking rather fine one night but I am fertile, well then I will just slam my thumb in the door to remind myself the pain of childbirth and therefore give myself the strength to resist my husband and his manly ways. I am just going to take this day to day… and not worry about tomorrow.
Do you see what a little vacation does to me? It gets me all “I love children” and shit. I don’t know if this is the wine talking, or the sun exposure…