8.01.2007

This Is Why Men Don't Get Pregnant...

My sister-in-law had her baby boy this past Saturday night. It was a fast and furious labor and one that I just had to share with you all...

Shannon's water broke Saturday afternoon, but Shannon did not realize that this was her water breaking and she even thought that maybe her bladder was out of control and she was just constantly peeing herself. You know it has been a long pregnancy when you just assume you are peeing yourself and go on with the activities of the day!

That evening they had a "Hail and Farewell" (they are a military family as well and a hail and farewell is just that-you hail the new members coming into the squadron and you farewell the ones leaving). Chet (Shannon's husband, my brother-in-law and my husband's twin brother) is the XO for his squadron, meaning he is the second in command and therefore he was doing the hailing and the farewelling so his mind was no where on Shannon and the fact that she was peeing herself all day, but on memorizing new people's names, kids birthday, funny anecdotes and so on...

Did I mention that the Hail and Farewell was at Dave and Buster's restaurant? You know the one... it has a gazillion video games and grown adults battle each other for a winning spot on the Dance Dance Revolution screen. It is a loud, obnoxious restaurant... one that would get anyone's mind off of the fact that they are peeing and feeling contractions every 3 minutes or so.

Oh-I forgot to tell you that my 3 year old niece Savannah was with them as well-and since Chet's mind was completely on memorizing fun new facts about people, Shannon was not only peeing herself and having contractions every three minutes, but she was desperately trying to keep a little three-year old entertained while they waited for their tables to be set up---which the waiter said was going to only take 90 minutes.

Eventually Shannon realizes that she may not be peeing herself after all since her contractions were now pretty strong and she may very well be in labor. She tugs at Chet's sleeve and tells him this to which he does not believe her.

This is the part of the story where we all look at Chet and shake our heads... poor poor Chet. Little did he know at the time of his disbelief that he would be living this moment down for the rest of his life and he basically gave Shannon an all-access pass to winning every argument they ever have just by being able to say "Yeah well, you didn't believe me when I was in labor and made me sit at Dave and Busters when I should have been at the hospital! I AM ALWAYS RIGHT!"

Now, by this time Shannon is panting and hee hee hoo'ing her way through each contraction, which she was timing off of a friend's watch that she borrowed. Someone once again told Chet that Shannon needed to go to the hospital and he makes one more mistake that was the last nail in his coffin... he bent over and whispered in Shannon's ear "Can you just hold off? I really need to give this speech and if I don't do it some other guy will have to do it who knows nothing of the people who are coming into the squadron."

This is where Shannon and I differ. If Chet were my husband, he would be incapable of ever having children again after a remark like that in my ear while I was in labor, but thankfully for Chet, he is married to Shannon who is much more patient than me.

A few of the military wives banded together and strong armed Chet into realizing that Shannon was in active labor and he better move his ass and now. They were finally headed to the hospital only to realize that they had forgotten little Savannah! Oh the love! Thankfully she was commandeered by some friends and safely taken care of for the evening. I could just see the news couldn't you? "Three year old left to play Dance Dance Revolution all night at a local Dave and Buster's while mom and dad argue over whether or not mom is actually in labor. Story at 10."

By this time Shannon is not only hee hee hoo'ing, but she is moaning as well. Chet is driving his usually old man way, which is the same way my husband drives. It is as if they are on a constant Sunday afternoon drive through the countryside... at 5 mph under the speed limit.

FINALLY they get to the hospital where Chet simply drops Shannon off at the entrance so that he can go park the car (Did he NEVER watch the movie "She's Having a Baby?") Shannon makes her way to triage where they hook her up and quickly find out that she is at 9 centimeters! She looks around and starts to wonder just where her husband is.

It seems Chet walked into the hospital, found triage and said that his wife was back there... he forgot to let them know that his wife was the woman who was in active labor! They told him he was not allowed back and there he sat waiting for someone to tell him what to do.

Why are men so dense sometimes? Women do not listen to "you are not allowed back there" type of things when they know a loved one is behind the "no admittance" door. We barrel through the door because nobody is going to tell us what we cannot do dammit!

EVENTUALLY, Chet is brought back to Shannon... just in time for her to push and deliver their son. The next morning Shannon had a list of things for Chet to bring to the hospital for her since they were not prepared and did not have their bags with them. He rubbed his eyes and made this comment...

wait for it...

wait for it...

"I am so tired I hope I don't fall asleep while driving. That was a hard night!"

Again, it is a good thing he is married to Shannon and not me.

10 comments:

Julie said...

This was the BEST labor story ever. Even better than mine when my hubs went upstairs to put our toddler to bed prior to taking me to the hospital to deliver #2 and FELL ASLEEP!

Dana said...

Oh. My. That is something that he will NEVER be able to live down!

Biddy said...

ohhhhh myyyyy goodness...

i'd kill him...flat out kill him if he were my husband. he's one lucky son of a gun that he's got a wife like that...

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

We could all bum rush his ass.

I don't really know what bum rush means, but it sounds like he needs it.

Great story!

Ma Beck said...

Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha~
Funnnnny!

Michelle said...

I read this story, through tears, to my husband. Sort of a "what not to do" reminder.

kristi said...

Oh GAWD. He would have died because I would have killed him.

Shauna Loves Chocolate said...

Chet's lucky he's not married to me, either!
Congrats to them on their son, though!

diana said...

I still say a friend of mine had it worse...when she told her husband it was time it was in the middle of the night. She got ready and sat downstairs waiting for him. After several minutes passed, she went back upstairs to find him passed out. She shook him awake and went again downstairs to wait...another several minutes goes by...she goes back upstairs and he is sitting on the bed looking dazed, saying he doesn't know which pair of socks he should wear. She finally gets him out of the house and then he can't remember where the hospital is. They pull up in front of some other building that is deserted, since it is 2 am. He tries to pull the doors open anyways, as though the building will just magically turn into a hospital. They go in circles for 40 minutes while she gets p!$$@d. Finally he yells at someone on the street for directions who thankfully didn't rob and kill them and they made it to the hospital. As soon as she arrive she was given an enema, and they sat her on the toilet. He stands directly outside of the bathroom with the male nurse, talking about the new Brady Bunch movie, while the enema starts kicking in in an embarrassingly loud way.
Yikes!

chestertonian said...

Un-
Be-
Levieble.