Unattractive Nakedness... We Are All Victims.

I am going to write a letter to all of the Presidents of all the television stations. Why do I have to watch commercials with half naked women each night after 8p.m.? Are these women beautiful? Certainly... but a 8 month pregnant woman does not need to look at women who only eat 2 oz of cottage cheese every day strut their stuff on television while sitting with my husband. It is like they are mocking me. Nakedness does not always look like this-nakedness is not always attractive. Actually, I bet when women see these commercials they head straight for the refrigerator and eat raw cookie dough-at least that is what I did, and I know that is not going to add to my already unattractive nakedness that I have going on right now.

Now, there are NOT many things that I think make nakedness look attractive... because nakedness (unless you are the statue of David in the Louvre) is not that attractive. The first unattractive naked thing would be cleaning while naked-the thought of that is just wrong. I read an article a long time ago about a man who cleaned houses naked. Now, my thoughts on that were first of all--ewww, and second, who would hire a MAN to clean a house? It was all strange to me and I don't know about you but when my husband goes into our bathroom, the hairs must just spring off of his body because when I go in after him it is like a Yettie has just taken a shower and I have to gripe and complain the entire time I shower washing down stray hairs. This is why I would ask why anyone would want a naked hairy man cleaning their house. It is mind boggling... and if you do have a naked male cleaning person-then you need some serious professional help.

The next most unattractive thing of nakedness is giving birth. OK OK OK, don't get all "oh but it is such a beautiful moment... blah blah blah." on me. It is not beautiful-yes, something beautiful comes from childbirth (tax breaks) but the actual birth itself is not something that makes nakedness look attractive. Picture it in your mind if you will-a woman with a beat red face, blood vessels popping and her hair plastered to her head with sweat and her legs bent as far back as humanly possible (she should be on Cirque De Sole!) as a little person emerges from her down unders. Gross. It is like a television show on the SciFi channel!

This is what I have been dwelling on in my mind for the past few weeks now. In the beginning of pregnancy, I can ignore that fact that I will have to actually go through labor in order to have this baby-but now that I am rounding out the end, labor and pain is all I think about. I dream about it and I wring my hands in worry about it. I start out trying to be covered. I wear a hospital gown with a tank top under-so when they rip off the gown I will at least have a covering across the boobies, but then something takes over and all of the clothes I have on me are somehow a nuisance and I have to strip them off. Each delivery I tell my husband "Please, do not let me strip like a drunken prostitute dancing for a 5 dollar bill in there" and each time he says "OK, I will do my duty as the man who got you into this situation and keep you covered-as God is my witness." Well, we have about 20 minutes of him trying to cover me after I keep throwing off the cover until finally my head spins around and I tell him that if he tries to put any more covers on me I will rip off his arms. That is the point in which he knows his wife has left my body and he is left with Sybil for the rest of the delivery.

OH, I try and make this horrible display of nakedness as pleasant as possible. I make sure I get my toes done and my roots hi-lited before my due date... and this time I am going to get a bikini wax, because first of all, I do not even know if I have pubic hair down there because I cannot see over my belly and secondly, I suspect it has traveled almost up to my belly button by now with all the stretching and pulling going on with my skin. They may charge me for a back wax instead of a bikini wax, but at this point I do not care.

I think we need to revert back to the 50's when women were knocked out during the delivery and they woke up all clean and fresh with a new little bundle in their arms. That is the birth I want to sign up for this time around.

I listened to my husband a while back talk about natural childbirth to a friend of his. This is always a funny conversation to listen in on-a man, talking to another man, about childbirth. As if they have ANY clue. Anyway, he was saying how the halls will be a quiet and calm from the mom's who have epidurals and then there is his wife who screams and shouts and would make any woman in the corridor cling to their anesthesiologist and beg to be juiced up. I remember he once tried to "shush" me during labor--he is not allowed to talk during delivery now... we have a letter notarised and everything.

So this has been what my mind has been occupied with lately--ugly nakedness during natural childbirth... and if I will poo on the labor table. I can't take it anymore! I am too old for this! I think that I will actually go with the drugs this time and that way I will care less if I poo... or if I am naked... or if I even have legs. Pump me up good and numb-this is my new philosophy.

I need to stop watching television after 8 p.m. - it makes me loony.


Kasia said...

Eeek. I think I'll adopt. ;-)

Is pooping on the labor table common? I hadn't heard that part before...I think they intentionally don't tell people about that.

Cris said...

Of course they don't tell you about that! Maybe they should... maybe I should go on tour at the local high schools and talk about labor and delivery holding no information back. It may just help with a young girl's decision to have sex in the first place.
I am going to call right now!

Amy Caroline said...

Oh my, you crack me up!!! I am the same way right before the birth. Worried about the poo, worried about the pain. And then it is all over and you forget after awhile... and then BOOM there you are pregnant again.
Anyway, my two cents on the epi. I have done it with 4 out of five kids and I will never do it again. The first was natural, the rest epis. But whne they gave me the epi this time, the baby wnet into distress, they had to put me on oxygen. They were shotting me full of drugs trying to keep the heart rate of my baby normal. I don't want to scare you, but it is something to think about. The other three were lovely, don't get me wrong... but the last one scared me off of them forever!

Kasia said...

Well, for what it's worth, seeing women in magazines and on TV makes me want to eat raw cookie dough...and chocolate ice cream (straight from the tub, of course)...and cookies...and potato chips...and those puffy cheese things...and...

We recently had a speaker at my office who said that the reason Europeans tend to be thinner than Americans is that we have a combative relationship with our food, i.e. we think "Oh, this is going to make me fat." Apparently a German heaps whipped cream onto his or her cake or pie and thinks "Oh, this tastes so good, it must be good for me." I don't know if THAT'S true, but I do know that being reminded of how I don't measure up to ridiculous, freakish beauty standards doesn't make me want to lose weight. It makes me want to chow down.

And I think you could totally do that speaking thing. I know you've scared ME off of pregnancy! ;-)

Cris said...

Amy... thanks for freaking me out about an epi! Sheesh! I should delete your post! I had it in the bag man... I was going with the drugs, but now I am uncertain again! I had an epi with my first and it was horrible (sounds a lot like your last) and have done natural ever since, but I was going to do the epi again with this one... just because I wanted to believe that I have "Eve'd" enough in my life and I should be able to do this one without drugs since I get to have hemorroids, bulging veins in my legs and stretch marks. God has to give me SOMETHING right? Right? RIGHT?

Laura The Crazy Mama said...

All due respect to my good pal Amy but I hear angels singing whenever somebody mentions the word "epidural". Just like when I hear someone mention the word "nubane" I hear evil, dasterdly music ringing discordantly in my noggin. They should ban that worthless crap from the ob ward altogether. OK, list of junk the 'they' people don't tell you about before your first delivery:
1. pooping on the delivery table.
check. (happened during the second delivery, mortified at the time but over it...way over it now.)
2. fainting after delivery
(first time THAT ever happened they used smelling salts on me, that was FREAKY and sort of cool!)
3. the weird, empty feeling like you could be bent in half if someone pushed you over after the baby is born and you stand up for the first time
4. the 10 packages of ginormous pads you will go through after the baby comes out. Also, the ginormous bill you will receive for the ginormous pads you kept asking for more of without really knowing you would be billed for them (learned my lesson and brought my own after the 3rd baby)
5. Taking "sitz" baths is NOT disgusting and don't be a snot and insist that just rinsing off will do the trick. (got cocky with the first one and didn't heal for 6 weeks...took 3 baths a day with second one and healed in 4 days)
6. babies STINK when they come out of you. They look all cute under all that goo and sludge, but they smell funny and you might not be prepared for that.
7. If you don't want to hold your baby right away, everyone will be worried that you won't bond or something (I couldn't hold trina right away and they were all freaked out, I just didn't have the strength and wanted to get all stiched up before I held my baby for the first time. Besides, I felt like I had her for 9 months so they could have a chance to get to know her a little while my nethers were getting overhauled for pete's sake)
8. rolls and rolls of skin around your middle will NOT go away and will haunt you for the rest of your life. My advice would be to NOT look in the mirror below your chin for at least a couple of weeks after the baby is born, and even then, wash your mirrors with lard so they are all "hollywood gauzy".