Never Ask "Lemme Smell Your Hands"

I am PMSing.

Yes-hold on to your hats six-packers... I may need you to bail me out of jail by the time this one is over.

Ugh.

Yesterday I had an overwhelming urge to just cry. I was driving in my minivan with my two youngest in their carseats and I just wanted to cry. I don't know why-I knew it would not solve the world problems or cure cancer... but the need was overwhelming.

I didn't cry.

I honked at the car in front of me and then flipped off the billboard for breast enlargements.

I felt better-but not fully.

So I texted Cousin Steve (oh-in case you did not know, I am a texting pro now. I text all day every day. I text my children, my friends, my family... I would even text you if you sent me your number-maybe.) This was our textersation:

Me: "Uh-oh, I feel PMS coming on. xcuz me while I burst into tears for no apparent reason."

CS: "I started yesterday."

Me: "So you felt this way too?"

CS: "Every other day. Except if it falls on an odd dated Tuesday. Im ok on those."

Me: "Do men ever feel like they just need a good cry and rant?"

CS: "I am crying now."

Me: "Oh U men HAVE no (curse word) IDEA!!!!!"

And then the rest of the day I just sent him random curse words to which he responded with Irish Blessings. He is so "holier than thou" the drunk bastard.

Later on in the afternoon my baby Mary came up to me whimpering and pushed her hand in my face. I assumed that she hurt her little fingers so I kissed them. She then held her little hands up to me so that I would hold her. I pulled her into my lap and instantly smelled a load in her diaper (yes, I am aware that she turned two at the beginning of May and I have yet to start potty training her-I have decided that this kid can potty train herself, I mean really... do I think she is going to go off to college wearing diapers? No-she'll figure it out.) So I shuffle her into her room to change the foul smelling pile. As I lay her down I realize that her diaper is all askew and she has poo smeared down her leg. She once again holds up her hand to me and says:

"EWWWWWWWWW!"

I suddenly realize that she did not hurt her hand and need me to kiss her boo boo all better... she was telling me that she stuck her precious little pudgy fingers into her dead carcass smelling diaper and she had feces all over herself.

And I kissed it.

Seriously folks. Can I please call bullshit on this day? Please?

Where Have You Been?

I don't have to tell you that life is crazy... but life is crazy.

I am trying to be Supermom and I would say that so far... I am almost there, aside from the drunken stupor I was in on Wednesday night, but it was Wednesday-what else was I supposed to do?

The kids had fun drawing on me with markers... see, we do arts and crafts too!

BUT...

I have not forgotten you.

I know what day it is... if is FRIDAY, and I know that on Fridays I like to toss out some world news so we feel a little more "informed"

But nothing jumped out at me unless you want to hear about the fact that the Black Hole has the same appetite as my son and eats up to 2 EARTHS a day! Sheesh... and I thought I had a large grocery bill!

Or how about the fact that Adam Lambert and Clay Aiken are fighting like little girls with their press on nails out. Oh the eye liner will be a' runnin' on this one-I can tell!

And then there is the story about Lee Iacocca losing a chunk of his pension and his life long company car because of Chrysler's bankruptcy. Sigh. So now instead of being a billionaire, he will have to settle for being a multimillionaire. Times are rough people!

But that is all boring stuff... and the rest of the news-the stuff that tells us about national security and the economy, well that was all boring too.

The real reason I came into the Six-Pack on this beautiful Friday is because I didn't want to forget to give you this:

Have a great Friday ladies!

A Confusingly Hot Monday Swoon...

Okay, so I was talked into going to see Terminator Salvation with Aaron yesterday. I have seen all Terminators for one reason and one reason alone...

but I have never really understood the story line. The time travel, the terminators, Sara Connor's biceps... it was all confusing to me, but I watched them because I am the mother of a boy and that is what you do when you have a boy, you watch movies that make no mother loving sense to you.

Well this one was no exception. I prepared myself first by reading up on it-trying to get my mind in a "Okay, I am a college graduate, I can figure this story out" mode.

It didn't help.

First of all... who is Marcus Wright and where does he come from? What did he do that caused his brother to be killed and for him to be executed? And why is he even in the story? I have not figure that out-except for the fact that he is HOT! Yes... H.O.T.

And what is up with Helen Bonham Carter (Dr. Serena Kogan)? First she has cancer and then she is the evil mind behind Skynet? WTF Jimmy! What is her purpose in all of this? How did she find Marcus and that kiss in the beginning-gross. That is all I am going to say about that.

Okay, now... John Connor. How did he come to be in a time when he is an adult and his father is a teenager and he has to rescue him? I mean-hello!? Where is the time machine? And another thing-why is everyone dirty? Don't they have water? It rains so you would think they would have water considering they have high tech computers and can travel in time-but a shower? Maybe that is too advanced.

My biggest question is this... and if you can answer it I will love you forever (not really, but I will be able to look at Aaron and say "See! I told you so!") Is Marcus Wright supposed to be a young version of Arnold's Terminator? I mean-he wears leather pants like Arnold does so I assume that means they are the same person, because who in their right mind would wear leather pants and run around getting all dirty and sweaty? There is too much in common there. And doesn't John Connor always send back Arnold (see-there is that time travel thing again... BUT WHERE IS THE TIME MACHINE?) and didn't Marcus and John become friends and weren't they "together" in the end? Hmmm? I think I am right... but what do I know-I basically went for the hot men.

All I know for certain is that whatever master mind in Hollywood said "Hey! Let's make a movie and put a sweaty Christian Bale in it and a sweaty Sam Worthington in it for the ladies." He (or she) is a genius! A FREAKIN' GENIUS!


I mean, just look at him... Christian Bale could be in a movie about killer zombies with prosthetic legs and a desire to make all human beings purple and I would go see it. Yes, I would.

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And this guy-who is he? Where did he come from? How has he not been on the Six-Pack radar? Well... thank God we found you Sam Worthington and rest assured stud, you will always have a place on the Monday Swoon. Mercy.

Now if you will excuse me... I have to go see if John Connor's pregnant wife ever has that baby and if so, does that mean there will be more Terminator movies to make me confused and turned on all at the same time.

God I love Summer Blockbusters that make no sense!

Seen, Heard, and Made Up...

Ahhhh, Friday. Wait-my kids are home from school. Dang.

I tried to sleep in but was up at 6:45am which is the exact time that I have set my alarm for every mother loving day of this school year and the moment that alarm went off I would moan, cry, curse and hit the snooze button until I finally jumped out of bed at 7:05am with my hair on fire screaming at everyone to get moving because we only had 15 minutes to get out of the house!

But today-the first day to sleep in... I wake up at the alarm time.

God must just sit up in heaven and laugh his ass off at me.

In my free time I started perusing the news articles for you-because I know how difficult it can be to get to the news everyday so I thought I would give you the most pressing issues of the day... like this one.

Robert "he loves me" Pattinson somehow got cornered into having to give a fan a kiss on the cheek for charity.

Really? $55,000? Wow... no wonder men everywhere hate him. Would I pay that much for a kiss on the cheek? Uhm, no. Now, if he was willing to be locked in a room in the basement of my house for a year to be at my disposal... well that is a different story.

Now, I am sure none of you saw this, or heard about this, or will even know who I am about to tell you about, but it seems that a reality television show couple are coming back for another season.

The kicker-they have 8 kids (no-they aren't Catholic)... oh, and they may or may not have cheated on each other (because you know-you have LOADS of extra time when you have 8 kids running around and television cameras recording your every move).

Do you know who I am talking about? Hmmmm.... some Jon and Kate or Fred and Wilma or is it

Heathcliff and Claire-I am not sure. I have never heard of them before-honest Abe.

What is up with this people? Seriously? Who gives a rip? I don't-that is why I am posting it on my blog.

Why do we find other people's lives so interesting? I personally find my own life interesting and if the six-pack knew a fraction of the crap that is going on around here--well we would have had a reality television show ages ago... but you don't need to know about my drama--you probably wouldn't like me much if you knew the truth anyway (because it is much like the truth in all of your lives), and the media would have a FIELD DAY with me.

You can take that to the bank baby.

Now... can we talk about something more interesting?

Is the Pope on Facebook?

Hmmmm... I tried facebook and I sorta liked it, but deactivated my account because I realized that I could care less what a "friend" from high school who I have not talked to in 20 years because she stole my boyfriend Sophomore year (because she would what I wouldn't) is doing at 9pm on a Monday night. I mean, how is it affecting my day seeing that she was getting ready to pop some popcorn and watch a movie with her second husband (her first husband was the boyfriend she stole from me-nice to see how that worked out for her).

Facebook apparently made me bitter-so I left. I am sure they do not miss me.

But-now that the Pope is on Facebook I have been thinking that I should check it out again. Do I want to know that the Pope is popping popcorn on a Monday night and getting ready to say the rosary for the 17th time that day? Maybe.

And last-but certainly not least... I saw this.

WTF Jimmy?

Now, I am from Chicago-so I am a true Bears fan. I would never... NEVER trade my jersey for a second let alone a day!

Brian and I agree... The Steelers can keep him. Just ask me how I feel about Michael Jordan after he said he would never play for another team but Chicago, and then he came out of retirement and played for someone else-I don't even remember who because the moment he crossed that line I forgot all about him. I am wired that way-burn me and I will toss you away... you will be dead to me. Dead.

But that is all I am going to say about that because I don't talk politics here on the Six-Pack.

Excuse me while I go punch a hole in the wall.

Alright folks-that is it! Consider yourselves caught up in the happenings of the world we live in. Maybe next week I'll throw some things in there that will edjumacate us... but you have to consider my sources (the media) so I don't know how that will happen.

Enjoy your Friday!

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Oh... and I almost forgot~

Gird Your Loins People... The Cleaver Kids Are Out Of School For The Summer!

Today is the last day of school.

It seems like just 9 months ago that the first day of school was here and I was happily dropping my children off at the building where they would learn all kinds of interesting tid-bits to help them get through life.

Now they are back in my care for the summer.

Lord help them.

Lord help me.

First lesson that I will teach them? To leave mommy alone when the vein in the middle of her forehead is pulsing.

I have been trying to teach that lesson for 14 years now and it has never sunk in.

Dang.

I am going to pick them up in the same way that I pick them up on every last day of the school year-I stand outside of my van dancing while I blare "Schools Out For Summer" by Alice Cooper.

Catholic school teachers LOVE that kind of stuff.

My daughter may die a thousand deaths when she sees me... but I am trying to instill joy here! It is summer for Pete's sake-it is time to be carefree and drunk by 1pm lounging by the pool! (for me, not my children-they still need to wait until 5pm to get drunk).

Speaking of drunk and children being home 24/7 for the next 3 months, I have a new drink for you.

I promise you will LOVE it.

I got it from a hard-core Irish Catholic father of 8, so you know it is the bomb!

It is called a "loaded beer"

You will need a beer-any beer will do-but it needs to be in a bottle. Well, I guess you wouldn't want to use Heineken because it has formaldehyde in it (did you know that?) and I don't want to be preserved until I am dead-so your best bet is to use your regular beer that you have in your fridge. Bud, Miller, Coors.... don't use Corona though-trust me on this.

And you will need (get your pencils out-write this down-this is the most important part) Margaritaville Island Lime Tequila. Let me repeat that... MARGARITAVILLE ISLAND LIME TEQUILA. Do not try to substitute if for anything else. Word on the street is that it will be shit-so don't get all "I know what I am doing... I can use applesauce in place of sugar" on me here. Just trust me.

Open your beer and pour the Tequila in the bottle all the way to the top. Gently place your thumb over the opening and slowly... SLOWLY tip the beer over so that the Tequila mixes with the beer.

Then-drink.

Easy.

Simple.

Loaded.

Nice.

One Small Step For Teenagers... One Giant Leap For Hormones

Last night was Hope's eighth grade graduation... you heard me right, they have graduation for eighth graders now. Back in the day when I was leaving eighth grade, we simply walked out of the building and were told to not screw up our lives in high school by doing drugs and having sex. There was no pomp and circumstance.

But like I always say... times have changed.

After the graduation Mass there was a dance for the kids. I signed up to chaperone because Hope LOVES it when I do those kinds of things... and when the music started I just couldn't help myself and I felt to need to move a little to the music-just sway, maybe tap my foot... nothing obscene-but Hope told me that I had to sit in the corner and not move at all.

What a party pooper.

So after sitting there with a girlfriend for a little bit, we noticed that there were PLENTY of chaperones and so she and I went across the street to drink for 2 hours while the party was going on.

It was one of the best eighth grade graduations ever.

Oh relax, I only had one beer... okay, two. Oh, and we had crab dip-so that made the trip worth it. Although, they served it with pita bread and I prefer lightly toasted baguette... but I am not one to complain. Ever. (giggle)

I walked back in the party I noticed all of the kids were in one big mosh pit in the corner of the dance floor. I knew exactly what they were doing in that tight circle they made... I know because I was once 14 and I remember-like a freakin' elephant I remember-they were "dirty dancing" up in that circle. Nobody puts Baby in a corner. a-hem.

One mom walked over to me and said "I don't know why they are dancing in that circle like that."

Duh!

What happened to moms today? When did they forget what it was like to be a teenager with hormones raging and the need to dance and flirt and laugh and like boys and giggle and try and pull one over on the chaperones at the cafeteria dance?

I wonder what it is like to go through life with blinders on...

Anyway, when Hope was done taking pictures of everyone and getting everyones phone number programed in her cell phone because they are going to be life long friends and blah blah blah... we went home.

As we were walking into the house she turns to me and says "Mom... do you know what "grinding" is?"

Me: "Yes Hope... I invented grinding."

Hope: "Gross... thanks a lot mom for that image."

Me: "Anytime."

Kids.... they think they are Neil Armstrong.

Pffft.

To Boldly Go To The Monday Swoon...

Word on the street is that Cousin Steve has been threatening to do the Monday Swoon if I did not come out of rehab... I mean "hiding" in order to give you your weekly dose of man hunk swoon.

I am afraid to see what he may be doing over there at that blog of his, but if it does entail a donkey, jumper cables and motor oil... well I am going to sell tickets.

That is all I have to say about that.

As for my break-I am still on it. Maybe. Possibly. Ask me again tomorrow to see if I feel like coming out of my alcohol induced coma and decide to grab the bull by the horns and start living again.

If you really want to know that truth... I had plastic surgery*. Yes. I did*. I had all of the extra skin cut off of my stomach-the skin that has been stretched out because of the four little human beings that suck the life out of me on a daily basis-that skin. I had it cut off and I donated it to a woman who needed a stomach skin transplant. Word is that she is doing well. She should be out of the hospital in no time and will make an appearance on The Today Show some time this summer. I have asked to remain anonymous so please, when you see this amazing "stomach skin transplant" woman, do not yell "HEY! YOU HAVE JUNE CLEAVER'S STOMACH SKIN!" She will have no idea what you are talking about and you may end up in jail like I did that one time I was at Outback Steakhouse and the manager looked just like Ryan Seacrest and I felt compelled to convince him of this amazing theory of mine after 6 beers and 3 Jager bombs... and a onion blossom. Damn those onion blossoms-they get me in trouble all the time. Anyway-I went to jail because someone who I am not allowed to come within 50 feet of (the Ryan Seacrest look-alike manager) did not like the way I was "in his face" (his words, not mine.)

Whatever.

I also had my boobs done. I am now an A cup. I just could not go on living with my barely C's so I thought that since I was getting my stomach skin cut off, they may as well go all the way and get rid of my boobs. I donated them to science because let's face it... I had some fabulous boobs-until just recently when they became pancakes from nursing the same 4 human beings that stretched the hell out of my stomach.

Damn kids.

While I was recovering from my plastic surgeries, I was able to think long and hard (loooong and haaaard) about the Monday Swoon. I have done so many lately and it is sometimes a challenge to find hot men. I mean, it gets a little tedious searching the Internet for shirtless hunks and Swoonworthy pics. It is a hard (haaaaaaaaard) job let me tell you... but for you, my dear Six-Packers, I will make the sacrifice. No need to thank me.


Anyway, while recovering my son convinced me to go see the movie Star Trek with him. Now, my first thought was "No." and then my second thought was "Hell no." but then I gave in and said "Fine, but I am not sharing my popcorn with you, you Sci-Fi weirdo." to which my son replied, "You never share your popcorn anyway you selfish woman." and then I hugged him because he is just so damn cute.


So we went, and let me tell you ladies... this is a FABULOUS movie! I had never seen one episode of the old Star Trek on TV-and seeing this movie does not make me want to go back and watch all 56 million episodes of it either, but I will say this-the movie was honestly and truly really freakin' good.


And it has hot men in it.


Good enough for me.


So, for today, I thought I would make us a little nerdy-a little geeky-a little sci-fi weird and bring you the men of the NEW and IMPROVED Star Trek.


Now... will someone please wake me when they decide to remake Bonanza? I have some GREAT ideas for the casting director!




Uhm.... can anyone pic out what is wrong with this picture? Why in the world is his belt off-center? I can't stand it! I need to straighten it out... or, why don't we just take it off? Yes, I think that is the better option.




Oh Chris Pine, you are a sultry one aren't you? Yes you are.... Sultry.

Nothing left to say but "Beam me up Scotty." Oh yes... beam me the hell up!

Okay, I have to admit that the Spock ears freaked me out a bit---and what was up with Spock's eyebrows? It was almost too much for me to handle during the movie-knowing that Zachary Quinto is so unbelievably swoonworthy and they had to sci-fi him all up and make him into a alien from some other planet that I can't even remember what the name of it is (because I don't care)... but, as you can see, the man is H.O.T. that is right... he is so hot that I have to put the air conditioner on in the Six-Pack. Phew!

Could you imagine the marks that scruff would leave on your body? Swoon.

Are you kidding me? Look at him when he laughs! Talk about a smile that travels all the way up to his eyes. Lord have mercy. Live long and prosper is right.

Okay, Eric Bana is the hottest bad guy in the history of bad guys. The anger alone makes me want to run away from him just so's he'd hunt me down and capture me.

I mean, look at him.... yummy.

Yes, yes, yes... you are swoonworthy Mr. Bana, but I still like you bald, angry and with ink all over your face. Capture me and make me your slave-PLEASE!

Karl Urban plays the Doctor in the movie-and let me tell you ladies, he can doctor me any day... all day. Cheers to THAT!

Oh my gosh-how do men look like this? I mean, do they go to a "how to stand and make women drool over you" school or something? If there is a school like that-Karl would have been valedictorian for sure. Yep.

Oh don't look at me like that... okay fine, look at me like that all you want. It makes me feel all squishy inside and I like it, oh yes, I like it a lot!

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If they keep this up I may just find out when the next Star Trek convention is in my hometown and dress up as Uhura... which I had to laugh out loud when I heard her name for the first time because I thought they were saying A-whore-a, but what do I know-I am not a sci-fi geek... at least not yet.

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Zachary Quinto could make me whatever he wants to make me and if he wants to wear pointy ears and ask me to be A-whore-a, well I may just take a loooong haaaard look at this sci-fi stuff.

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To boldly go where no other Six-Packer has gone before. Oh yeah.


*You can relax mother... I did not have plastic surgery, I am not in rehab and I am not in jail-but if you could send $500 that would be GREAT!

Blogging Break Open Thread...

Listen folks... life is a bit hairy right now and I need a break. Just a little one-maybe I'll be back in an hour-maybe I'll be back in a week. We'll see. I just need to rest my eyes for a bit.

No worries... The Six-Pack will be back on track in no time.

In the meantime-if you have something you want to say, put it in the comments and we'll see where it goes from there.

Smell ya later! And for you men out there... yes, it is illegal.

Kickin' It Old School Swoon...

Back when I started the Six-Pack, I was a calm and civil stay-at-home mom who thought I could just go through life talking about breast feeding and how to cut a birthday cake the proper way... and then I woke the hell up and decided to get real with life and with you all. It has been a gradual process... one in which I am sure I have lost some readers and gained some really cool ones along the way. I still have not even touched the tip of the iceberg on who I am and who june cleaver is... we are one in the same but separate. She is the ying to my yang-or rather the drunk to my sober.

Anyway, somewhere along the way I started throwing random pics of my first love Matthew McConaughey on the Six-pack. It became a running joke amongst the mens around here and Cousin Steve even perfected his Matthew McConaughey impersonation for me. People would send me news articles about him and pictures when they came across them.

I loved it.

I became convinced that Matthew was reading this blog because there was a time that if you googled his name, you would come up with my blog so if he is as self centered as I hope and pray that he is... well then he would have read me and developed a secret crush on me. Hey-this is my blog, I can believe whatever I want to believe.

Well, eventually I started to let my eyes wander. Yes, I swoon-cheated on Matthew. I started to post pics of other men. It all started with my Christmas gift to you all when I posted all of your swoons of choice.

So when Matthew and I have to go to trial for custody over this blog, I will site the Six-Packers as the reason why I strayed. Why I started looking at other swoons and couldn't keep my fingers off the clicker to find random pics of "men with their shirts off" or "hot men who make me freakin' scream in ecstasy" on google. God I love google.

But, this weekend I was reminded of my first swoon. I was given the opportunity to walk down lovers swoon lane again and say "Ya know... I think I may just really really like you again."

I went to see the movie Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. It is shit-don't go see it, unless of course you are going for all the right reasons and those reasons all have to do with a certain Matthew McConaughey that made me sigh out loud and giggle like a school girl in my seat.

Oh yes ladies, the man is back. The reason for the swoon has returned. The one that made it all begin. The one who taught me that it is Okay to swoon over men who are so hot that they make me blush when I slap them on the ass.

Yep.

Today I give you all Matthew...all day. If you don't like it, tough shit. This is the one that started the swoon so show some respect. (hehe... I sounded so tough there didn't I?) That last sentence was for Soliliquy who is having a BIRTHDAY! Happy Birthday Chicka-have some beefcake.

Enjoy-and Matthew if you are reading this... you are welcome. Don't worry about those other fellas like Robert Pattinson, Gerard Butler, or even Christian Bale (who I once said had replaced you in my heart of swoons) they mean nothing to me baby... NOTHING! Well, nothing until next Monday-but enjoy your day big guy. You lucky bastard.





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Is is just me or does anyone else feel the urge to just bite that butt? I mean, just sink your teeth right in? Phew... I am so hungry right now.
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Ugh-look at how cool he is... it is like we are on a long trip across country-just me and him and we are filling up at the gas station and on his way to pay for the gas he turns around and leans against the post and yells "Hey june baby... what do you want on your hot dog?" which he wouldn't ask me because I don't eat meat... but it is a nice fantasy isn't it?

So help me God if I ever find that dog I am going to let it sleep in my bed... because I am an animal lover. Yep.

Oh Matthew... you know I would go anywhere with you-that smile, that "come hither" gesture with your hand. Where do you want to go? To the corner store for some bubble gum and Cheetos? Okay-lemme get my flip flops.

Hi baby... tell me about your day.

And you wonder why I made him my first swoon. It was worth it-not one single regret. Nope. He was fantastic!

And... AND... he does yoga. We are soul swoon mates I tell you.

Here, let me help you peel yourself out of those wet clingy clothes. Can I be your assistant? Can I be the hose holder?

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury... this last photo just proves to me that Matthew McConaughey reads the Six-Pack and loves me... why else would he display such a flagrant expression of his love for me. I am almost embarrassed by his devotion-I mean... he is just SCREAMING my name practically. Ireland and Matthew-two of my favorite loves.

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Sigh.

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It is so nice to get back to your roots every once in a while isn't it?

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Me and God love Matthew McConaughey-in all of his BO smelling, naked bongo playing, having a baby with another woman, Texas drawl, big smilin, just livin, alright alright alright ways.

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Mmmm Mmmmm Good.

Happy Ma's Day

HEY MA!

Happy Mother's Day!

Those Who Live In Those Damn Glass Houses...

Today I read two different news stories that made me laugh... I had to share.

The first is about a mother (who is a Lawyer-meaning she is edjumacated) who was so sick and tired of listening to her girls argue in the backseat (prolly about important things like what my children argue about--world peace and a cure for cancer) that she pulled the car to the side of the road, tossed their little butts out and drove off.

That is right.

Can I get a "Hell Ya!"

Well, you can imagine what happened next... some goody-two-shoes saw this and thought this mother was a horrible creature and called the police. This goody-two-shoes also lives in a house with perfectly green grass and only has cats-no children-just cats. At least nine of them.

Anyway-the mother wound up in court-yep, court.

My mother left me on the Dan Ryan once because I said the word "shit." Not exactly a true story-but close enough. I also had to walk home from school if I missed the bus-can you believe THAT???? And... AND... she once told me to not tell anyone she was my mother when I was walking out of the house one mooring before school because I apparently did not have my hair brushed. Whatever. Then there was the time that my mother smacked the junk out of me right in front of our Parish Priest because I was not where I said I would be and she had to put down her glass of wine and come looking for me... I am sure I was at the library or even in Church praying, but that is beside the point. My mother has a clean record people. Times have obviously changed.

The point is this... the girls only had to walk 3 stinking miles home-and the mom was just going around the block and picking them back up... until some goody-two-shoes had to step in and abduct one of the girls-yes, I said ABDUCT! If anyone should be arrested it is that woman with all the cats who took the girl in the middle of a mother's life lesson to her children.

Sheesh!

The next story is one that reminds me of my children and I even received a few emails from people asking me if I had a missing toddler for a little while there and just did not realize it because I am a drunk. Pffft. I know where my children are at all times folks-and when I start drinking at 3 pm I put little dog collars on them with bells so I can really keep an eye and a ear on them. I am responsible.

I am sure you have heard this one about the little 3 year old who unlocked the door to his parents mobile home and wandered off while his mother was on the phone.

Damn kids when a mom gets on the phone! It is like they have a little trigger in their brain that makes them do naughty things when the phone rings and mom has to take two minutes out of her day to talk to her friend Betty down the street who just found out her husband was sleeping with the waitress at the local IHOP and Betty does not know if she can afford the rent on their double wide of if she is going to actually have to move into a single across the street.

Can you imagine?

Anyway, this little guy-whose father runs a SURVIVAL TRAINING SCHOOL no less-wandered around the Woods for 52 hours with just a t-shirt and pull up on.

Sounds like a vacation to me, but what do I know.

I don't know what happened once the little boy was reunited with mom and dad but I can tell you that if it were one of my children, I would be in court next month for spanking my child on National Television.

I can't wait to see this kid in high school. Write down his name mothers-do not let your daughter date him. He will have the greatest pick up lines ever, the best being "I looked death in the eye at the early age of 3 and survived... I don't need a condom!"

Lord help us all.

And... for God sake if you have the sniffles you do NOT have the Swine Flu or Pig Cold or Hog Headache or Sow Shits. Just take some allergy medicine.

Oh... and one last thing:

Enjoy your Friday ladies!

Freakin' Whiners...

Okay... who writes this blog? Do you write this blog? Do you? Huh? Do you?

No....

But, I always try to make everyone happy.

It is a vice of mine.

So I try my darndest to find the best Swoon pics out there... but EVERY MOTHER LOVING MONDAY there is someone who is not happy.

"That swoon was wonderful June... but could you maybe read my mind next time and put so-and-so on there?"

and even...

"WTF June! Where in God's great earth is so-and-so? I can't believe you forgot them!"

The nerve of me.

Yesterday I was in a bad mood-I mean, it was one of those bad moods that make children, small animals and men run in the other direction when they see me coming.

It was so bad, that I was "shuush'd" by my yoga instructor on more than one occasion because I was mumbling to myself about "life" and "crap" and "who does he think he is?" and "who needs clean underpants anyway." type of things.

I had a really bad muscle ache in my upper back as well that made me even more pissed off. The nerve of my body to declare war on my mind by starting my menstrual cycle AND having a pulled muscle that made is hard for me to breathe.

Sure that pulled muscle may or may not have come from a fall that I may or may not have had this past weekend at a bar where I may or may not have had Southern Comfort shots with Coke chasers (4 or 5 of em) but that is irrelevant.

Anyway, I come home to be greeted by my little cyber blogging friend Soliloquy telling me that I have LOST MY EDGE because I missed out on Wentworth Miller.... and then Warren said he would become GAY for Wentworth Miller! Holy Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell Batman!

So here... just because I love you and I have not lost my edge-I give you two whiners Wentworth (what mother names their kid Wentworth?) I admit... he is kinda cute-in a freakin' hot kind of way.

And Aunt Barb had issue with the fact that Daughtry was not on the list... but he made it last week and I try not to duplicate two weeks in a row (unless you are Matthew McConaughey, Bruce Willis, Gerard Butler, or Robert "he loves me" Pattinson)

But since I love my Aunt Barb and she always looks at me and smiles in a way that makes me feel all warm, fuzzy and loved, I will give her a little Daughtry to make her smile.

That's the kind of girl I am.

Nice... but with a freakin' edge, so in the future, if you do not like the Monday Swoon-by all means let me know about it. It will give me something to bitch and moan about and we all know that if I don't have something to bitch and moan about-well, I just ain't havin' any fun then am I?

And "Southern MN Gal" since you were so sweet to thank me for the bald Edward Norton-and you did mention that it was your BIRTHDAY... no one gets by the Six-Pack on their birthday without a little present from me.

.

Enjoy! Nothing like a bald man in the middle of the street in his boxers wielding a gun. Just makes you all happy inside doesn't it?