It seems like just 9 months ago that the first day of school was here and I was happily dropping my children off at the building where they would learn all kinds of interesting tid-bits to help them get through life.
Now they are back in my care for the summer.
Lord help them.
Lord help me.
First lesson that I will teach them? To leave mommy alone when the vein in the middle of her forehead is pulsing.
I have been trying to teach that lesson for 14 years now and it has never sunk in.
I am going to pick them up in the same way that I pick them up on every last day of the school year-I stand outside of my van dancing while I blare "Schools Out For Summer" by Alice Cooper.
Catholic school teachers LOVE that kind of stuff.
My daughter may die a thousand deaths when she sees me... but I am trying to instill joy here! It is summer for Pete's sake-it is time to be carefree and drunk by 1pm lounging by the pool! (for me, not my children-they still need to wait until 5pm to get drunk).
Speaking of drunk and children being home 24/7 for the next 3 months, I have a new drink for you.
I promise you will LOVE it.
I got it from a hard-core Irish Catholic father of 8, so you know it is the bomb!
It is called a "loaded beer"
You will need a beer-any beer will do-but it needs to be in a bottle. Well, I guess you wouldn't want to use Heineken because it has formaldehyde in it (did you know that?) and I don't want to be preserved until I am dead-so your best bet is to use your regular beer that you have in your fridge. Bud, Miller, Coors.... don't use Corona though-trust me on this.
And you will need (get your pencils out-write this down-this is the most important part) Margaritaville Island Lime Tequila. Let me repeat that... MARGARITAVILLE ISLAND LIME TEQUILA. Do not try to substitute if for anything else. Word on the street is that it will be shit-so don't get all "I know what I am doing... I can use applesauce in place of sugar" on me here. Just trust me.
Open your beer and pour the Tequila in the bottle all the way to the top. Gently place your thumb over the opening and slowly... SLOWLY tip the beer over so that the Tequila mixes with the beer.