The first is about a mother (who is a Lawyer-meaning she is edjumacated) who was so sick and tired of listening to her girls argue in the backseat (prolly about important things like what my children argue about--world peace and a cure for cancer) that she pulled the car to the side of the road, tossed their little butts out and drove off.
That is right.
Can I get a "Hell Ya!"
Well, you can imagine what happened next... some goody-two-shoes saw this and thought this mother was a horrible creature and called the police. This goody-two-shoes also lives in a house with perfectly green grass and only has cats-no children-just cats. At least nine of them.
Anyway-the mother wound up in court-yep, court.
My mother left me on the Dan Ryan once because I said the word "shit." Not exactly a true story-but close enough. I also had to walk home from school if I missed the bus-can you believe THAT???? And... AND... she once told me to not tell anyone she was my mother when I was walking out of the house one mooring before school because I apparently did not have my hair brushed. Whatever. Then there was the time that my mother smacked the junk out of me right in front of our Parish Priest because I was not where I said I would be and she had to put down her glass of wine and come looking for me... I am sure I was at the library or even in Church praying, but that is beside the point. My mother has a clean record people. Times have obviously changed.
The point is this... the girls only had to walk 3 stinking miles home-and the mom was just going around the block and picking them back up... until some goody-two-shoes had to step in and abduct one of the girls-yes, I said ABDUCT! If anyone should be arrested it is that woman with all the cats who took the girl in the middle of a mother's life lesson to her children.
The next story is one that reminds me of my children and I even received a few emails from people asking me if I had a missing toddler for a little while there and just did not realize it because I am a drunk. Pffft. I know where my children are at all times folks-and when I start drinking at 3 pm I put little dog collars on them with bells so I can really keep an eye and a ear on them. I am responsible.
I am sure you have heard this one about the little 3 year old who unlocked the door to his parents mobile home and wandered off while his mother was on the phone.
Damn kids when a mom gets on the phone! It is like they have a little trigger in their brain that makes them do naughty things when the phone rings and mom has to take two minutes out of her day to talk to her friend Betty down the street who just found out her husband was sleeping with the waitress at the local IHOP and Betty does not know if she can afford the rent on their double wide of if she is going to actually have to move into a single across the street.
Can you imagine?
Anyway, this little guy-whose father runs a SURVIVAL TRAINING SCHOOL no less-wandered around the Woods for 52 hours with just a t-shirt and pull up on.
Sounds like a vacation to me, but what do I know.
I don't know what happened once the little boy was reunited with mom and dad but I can tell you that if it were one of my children, I would be in court next month for spanking my child on National Television.
I can't wait to see this kid in high school. Write down his name mothers-do not let your daughter date him. He will have the greatest pick up lines ever, the best being "I looked death in the eye at the early age of 3 and survived... I don't need a condom!"
Lord help us all.
And... for God sake if you have the sniffles you do NOT have the Swine Flu or Pig Cold or Hog Headache or Sow Shits. Just take some allergy medicine.
Oh... and one last thing:
Enjoy your Friday ladies!