5.07.2009

Those Who Live In Those Damn Glass Houses...

Today I read two different news stories that made me laugh... I had to share.


The first is about a mother (who is a Lawyer-meaning she is edjumacated) who was so sick and tired of listening to her girls argue in the backseat (prolly about important things like what my children argue about--world peace and a cure for cancer) that she pulled the car to the side of the road, tossed their little butts out and drove off.


That is right.


Can I get a "Hell Ya!"


Well, you can imagine what happened next... some goody-two-shoes saw this and thought this mother was a horrible creature and called the police. This goody-two-shoes also lives in a house with perfectly green grass and only has cats-no children-just cats. At least nine of them.


Anyway-the mother wound up in court-yep, court.


My mother left me on the Dan Ryan once because I said the word "shit." Not exactly a true story-but close enough. I also had to walk home from school if I missed the bus-can you believe THAT???? And... AND... she once told me to not tell anyone she was my mother when I was walking out of the house one mooring before school because I apparently did not have my hair brushed. Whatever. Then there was the time that my mother smacked the junk out of me right in front of our Parish Priest because I was not where I said I would be and she had to put down her glass of wine and come looking for me... I am sure I was at the library or even in Church praying, but that is beside the point. My mother has a clean record people. Times have obviously changed.


The point is this... the girls only had to walk 3 stinking miles home-and the mom was just going around the block and picking them back up... until some goody-two-shoes had to step in and abduct one of the girls-yes, I said ABDUCT! If anyone should be arrested it is that woman with all the cats who took the girl in the middle of a mother's life lesson to her children.


Sheesh!


The next story is one that reminds me of my children and I even received a few emails from people asking me if I had a missing toddler for a little while there and just did not realize it because I am a drunk. Pffft. I know where my children are at all times folks-and when I start drinking at 3 pm I put little dog collars on them with bells so I can really keep an eye and a ear on them. I am responsible.


I am sure you have heard this one about the little 3 year old who unlocked the door to his parents mobile home and wandered off while his mother was on the phone.


Damn kids when a mom gets on the phone! It is like they have a little trigger in their brain that makes them do naughty things when the phone rings and mom has to take two minutes out of her day to talk to her friend Betty down the street who just found out her husband was sleeping with the waitress at the local IHOP and Betty does not know if she can afford the rent on their double wide of if she is going to actually have to move into a single across the street.


Can you imagine?


Anyway, this little guy-whose father runs a SURVIVAL TRAINING SCHOOL no less-wandered around the Woods for 52 hours with just a t-shirt and pull up on.


Sounds like a vacation to me, but what do I know.


I don't know what happened once the little boy was reunited with mom and dad but I can tell you that if it were one of my children, I would be in court next month for spanking my child on National Television.


I can't wait to see this kid in high school. Write down his name mothers-do not let your daughter date him. He will have the greatest pick up lines ever, the best being "I looked death in the eye at the early age of 3 and survived... I don't need a condom!"


Lord help us all.
And... for God sake if you have the sniffles you do NOT have the Swine Flu or Pig Cold or Hog Headache or Sow Shits. Just take some allergy medicine.






Oh... and one last thing:





Enjoy your Friday ladies!








25 comments:

powdergirl said...

You are indeed going to heaven, June Cleaver. And they'll be damn lucky to have you.

Soliloquy said...

How??

How do you come up with these wild tales?

I don't get your brain.... but I love it.

Have I told you recently that your blog is the BEST ONE on the whole friggin' internet?

I know, because I've read them all.

Yours wins.

p.s. (Is that a photo of WARD at the end?!?!?!)

TheSeeker said...

BAHAHAHA "sow shits"

Red said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Red said...

June, may we please have a Swoon dedicated to THAT guy? sigh...

Uptown Girl said...

I think if all the judgemental neighbors with 9 cats could just look at that handstand... well we would have peace on earth.
Thanks for getting my Friday of to a great start June! I don't know how I will concentrate on work now that I have that last pic in my head, but I am grateful as always.

Anonymous said...

One big "Hell Ya" for you June and a high five for getting our Friday ON!
Aunt Barbara
ps Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!

momto5minnies said...

Next thing you know we will end up in court just for THREATENING to pull our car over and leave the kids to walk on home.

CRAZY ...

Morningtower said...

I love it! Excellent thoughts on the missing 3yo. LOL You always make me laugh. Anyway, I've tagged you:
http://www.morningtower.net/2009/05/05/ive-been-tagged/

Keep up the great blog. . . the world needs women like you!!

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Our mother kicked my sister and I out of the car and made us walk home on more than one occassion, and look how swell I turned out! Also, one time when my sister and I were fighting and I bit my sister (she was older and bigger), my mother bit me, to demonstrate how much it hurt.

Anonymous said...

One time when Dave and Beth were fighting, I opened the front door and nicely asked them to step out onto the front porch. They did and then I said, "and when you can get along, ring the bell and I will let you back in" and shut the door. In a couple of seconds they were both laughing, the fight was over and the bell was ringing. Then we all had a good laugh at how ingenious that was...
After that all I had to say was, "anyone want to step out on the porch?"
Love,
Aunt Barbara

Snow White said...

HA! Loved the condom comment--too funny!
Love,
Snow White

FLYNAVY said...

Miss Cleaver & 6 packers et al.,
Happy Mother's Day & from the looks of the kiddos last week I'm positive none of them have that 1000 mile stare of being dropped off on the side of the highway [course as long as the threats of overwhelming force work we don't need to go there] & hope they bring you & all your 6P buddies breakfast in bed Sunday. & I thought you deleted all the pics from the stopover in Shannon. Sorta worried now about some others that might be floating around there....I really need to cut down on the drinking, no more xcuses.
Fore I forget, I keep a roll of duct tape in the boot incase the kids get a little sugar crazy after stopping @ the DQ. Haven't checked the child abuse laws but seems to be pretty humane, lot more that booting them out of the truck on a cold, rainy night to hump it home.
Buzzy

Phat Mama said...

This was the best post!! I loved it!

I'm going to tell a story similar to this on my blog, someday soon and give credit to this post for inspiring it!

(Yes, I'm so lame I have to get blogging ideas from reading everyone else.)

powdergirl said...

Oh yeah, the other stuff.
I had a fight with an uncle when I was 8 years old. He wanted me to eat cottage cheese(ugh), he was a real prick. He decided to drive me the 3 hours home rather than have such a picky little eater in his house. On the trip he yelled some more and finally asked why I wouldn't eat that crap.
I said " If I LIKED it I would have TRIED it by NOW! Chin stuck out, fists balled.
He threw me out by the road and phoned my dad to pick me up.
I couldn't have been happier with that arrangement.
Course then Dad had to beat the crap out of his brother again...sigh.
But see? I turned out just fine : )

Rebecca said...

My kids would have been all "Woohoo!" and then probably would have hit the cat lady with pepper spray.

Mairin :o) said...

oooooooo, who is that guy? I'd like to lick him up and down like an ice cream cone...

if I weren't married.

june "I have more Pictures than I know what to do with" cleaver said...

That guy is the Six-Pack Mascot Mairin... he'll pop up now and then.

Urban Mom said...

Hell YAAAAAA!

You have totally inspired my next post. If I ever get around to it. Mad props a-comin'.

Hilarious post, June. The wandering 3yo happened just outside of St. Louis and unfolded while I was visiting my mom this past week. Seems that he was also out in two straight nights of pouring rain! And the guy who found him was a construction worker who couldn't work that a.m. because of said rain. The kid was nestled into some underbrush asleep. The news reporters were about to jump out of their skin with joy -- they were clearly convinced that they were going to be reporting on a goner 3yo.

So yea, where was the busybody with the nine cats when she could actually have been helpful?????

Oh and that last shot... hoooo-RAAAAAAAA!

NC Sue said...

That's the funniest thing I've read today. I think I'm gonna LOVE this blog - just found it, and just bookmarked it!.

Kristina said...

Love the pickup line. VERY funny!

And, that last picture made my evening. I can go to bed happy. I'm very pleased that you've appointed him as the mascot, VERY HAPPY!

Schmoochiepoo said...

People who live in glass houses shoud not walk around naked.

My mother abandoned me all over town due to her poor time management skills. I would *GASP* walk home.

Thanks for the last picture!
Ass-hat may get some lovin tonight due to that. *wink wink*

rnbeth in VA said...

In the late 70's, my aunt made my four cousins get of their leisure van off an exit of the New Jersey turnpike when they were being out of control little shits. She looped around off the next exit, found them all standing on the side of the road crying and begging apologies. They had a pleasant, quiet ride home after that. I make her tell that story each time I see her. As a side note, my aunt is an amputee. She was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer in her early 20's and that was the treatment at that time. She was unable to be fitted with a prosthetic; so she uses crutches to get around. Her 3rd and 4th children were identical twin boys who were very busy. Those crutches came in handy when they were toddlers. She could tag their asses with those crutches as they were running away from her. I admire her so much! My sister is named after her.

amy said...

It's so funny that you posted this - I was just thinking about this story. Many years ago (back in the 70's when no one thought twice about smacking your kids) my BFF's mom warned her brothers to knock it off in the car "or she would drop them off on the side of the road". They wouldn't stop their bickering and she did indeed drop them off and made them walk home. No one called social services on them and my guess is that they never acted that way again. I can't tell you how many times I've told my kids I'd do the same thing...

Hope said...

Hey mama!
Heh.

Glad to see we were both in ranty moods. I also appreciate that last photo. How did you know I am one to appreciate the form of a well designed pair of board shorts? Good on you!muah!!!