Never Ask "Lemme Smell Your Hands"

I am PMSing.

Yes-hold on to your hats six-packers... I may need you to bail me out of jail by the time this one is over.


Yesterday I had an overwhelming urge to just cry. I was driving in my minivan with my two youngest in their carseats and I just wanted to cry. I don't know why-I knew it would not solve the world problems or cure cancer... but the need was overwhelming.

I didn't cry.

I honked at the car in front of me and then flipped off the billboard for breast enlargements.

I felt better-but not fully.

So I texted Cousin Steve (oh-in case you did not know, I am a texting pro now. I text all day every day. I text my children, my friends, my family... I would even text you if you sent me your number-maybe.) This was our textersation:

Me: "Uh-oh, I feel PMS coming on. xcuz me while I burst into tears for no apparent reason."

CS: "I started yesterday."

Me: "So you felt this way too?"

CS: "Every other day. Except if it falls on an odd dated Tuesday. Im ok on those."

Me: "Do men ever feel like they just need a good cry and rant?"

CS: "I am crying now."

Me: "Oh U men HAVE no (curse word) IDEA!!!!!"

And then the rest of the day I just sent him random curse words to which he responded with Irish Blessings. He is so "holier than thou" the drunk bastard.

Later on in the afternoon my baby Mary came up to me whimpering and pushed her hand in my face. I assumed that she hurt her little fingers so I kissed them. She then held her little hands up to me so that I would hold her. I pulled her into my lap and instantly smelled a load in her diaper (yes, I am aware that she turned two at the beginning of May and I have yet to start potty training her-I have decided that this kid can potty train herself, I mean really... do I think she is going to go off to college wearing diapers? No-she'll figure it out.) So I shuffle her into her room to change the foul smelling pile. As I lay her down I realize that her diaper is all askew and she has poo smeared down her leg. She once again holds up her hand to me and says:


I suddenly realize that she did not hurt her hand and need me to kiss her boo boo all better... she was telling me that she stuck her precious little pudgy fingers into her dead carcass smelling diaper and she had feces all over herself.

And I kissed it.

Seriously folks. Can I please call bullshit on this day? Please?


FLYNAVY said...

Miss Cleaver,
Never hold in a good cry...full blown shoulder shakin, snot runs out ur nose cry. Nature's way of showing us we're still human, with feelings & compassion & Americans.
Dookie fingers, yep, good reason there. Mr. Cleaver can xplain there r entire countries out here that smell like dookie, all the time, nother good reason.
& Miss PowderGirl, see if this 1 passes the "sniff test". Horse isn't so bad a nickname to go thru life with.
Miss Cleaver, give that 1 with the full diaper a big hug from Uncle Buzz tonight.

Cass said...

I laughed and laughed at this, but I'll try to do it more quietly next time. As for the diaper situation, if it wasn't me, then it had to be you. ::Giggle::

Soliloquy said...

Text me!! Text me!!! Email me and I'll give you my cell #.

Oh June, you are my very favoritest blogger ever.

I do so love you.

Please go (come) visit your mother. That's what good catholic girls do, you know.

Melissa said...

I would be happy to bail your out. Could we go have margaritas when you are released from the slammer?

How much longer does Ward have? You have been by yourself a long time. Which sucks, but when you are PMSing, it might be a good thing that he is out of country. I would pack my guy up right now if I could!
Hang in there!

june "I text therefore I am" cleaver said...

Soliloquy~I would soooo text you all day every day! I can't find your email though--so send to me at

(everyone close your eyes)


Christine said...

Great Story!

powdergirl said...

June " I hope she doesn't practice unprotected text! Cleaver",
I closed my eyes, but I gotcher bail fund right here. Just text me when you need it.

I just moved from 'lustful internet crush', to 'undying bodily devotion'.
A definite pass Sir!

june "867-5309" cleaver said...

Powder-send me your number-I want to text you because you make me laugh until I tinkle---and that is a good thing!


and... OMG Buzzy! Horse isn't a bad nickname? Good lord my friend-you sure do know how to tease em dont cha?

Layna said...

sweet smellin' ellen! Mary was just checking to see if you were paying attention. i too have been tested and failed this test miserably. agree the last one can train themselves. Mine did and even goes dry at night just to piss off the older ones. punny. PMS and rage against the world sista - just don't do it with sharp objects close by. BTW, there is a brand new case of whoop-ass being delivered to your door asap as i assume your supply was depleted after the long exchange earlier this weekend. would not want you to be without given your current state. much love and irritability. looking forward to you monday swoon - buzzy ???

Carrie said...

We were at mass and my then 2 yo daughter held up her finger to me, so I kissed it. As you did, I assumed she was hurt and needed a kiss. I felt something funny on my lips and realized I had kissed off a very large booger. It was so very disgusting. And there was nothing I could do about it in the middle of mass.
So not quite a been there done that situation, but close.
Hope you have a better tomorrow June!

Urban Mom said...

Yeeeesh, the biological pendulum is a-swinging the wrong way for June! It's good to have friends who text you back to sanity. Sometimes the only other sane adults I "talk" to are my mom and sister via text. Keeps me from going over the edge, a la Thelma & Louise.

Oh, and since no one else has done it yet...



mommiebear2 said...

OMG, That would would have to have been the clincher for your already wanting to cry mood. Nothing worse than getting poo on your lips when your pmsing. ;)

The Wannabe Redhead said...

TEXT ME, my fellow Omahan! (Is that what they call us?! Who knows.)

Poo on the hands = no good.

Hang in there, June!

Melissa said...

Thanks for that laugh!! I so needed it!!
As for the crying just let it out!