A Husband's Guide to Getting IN and OUT of the Dog House!

Well... we are back! We left the warm 78* weather of sunny Florida and trekked back up to our balmy 35* Virginia. It is about time too... because I was getting so sick of sitting in the warmth of the sun and watching my kids frolic in the pool-or at the beach. I much prefer waking up in the middle of the night and wondering if my bare feet will freeze to the bathroom floor. Honestly, being warm for a week made me all the more anxious for spring to arrive. We had a fabulous time with family in Florida and can't wait until we can visit again!

I had a birthday while I was in Florida. I woke feeling rested (since the little one was sleeping with her older sister... I had no middle-of-the night wake ups!) My husband turned to me and said "Happy Birthday!" as he gave me a kiss. Now, before I go any further, it should be known that my children and my sister-in-law were fabulous on my birthday and I loved every moment of being with them, but my husband must have thought it was HIS birthday because as I padded out to the kitchen ready to get all of my hugs from my children, I see my husband slinging his golf bag over his shoulder and waving good-bye. HUH? I decided to stay calm... he must have something planned for later in the day-surely.

Now, if any of you had read my anti-Valentine's Day blog, you would think that my husband would have made sure he did not mess this birthday up. No such luck. He must look at that gold band around his finger as his security net. Besides, how far can I get with 4 kids and a dog?

Anyway, the day went on and my sister-in-law and I headed out to see a movie. When we came home, we found that my husband had gone golfing AGAIN (that is twice in one day--he was pushing it let me tell you) and he had left his brother and my son to watch my little one and their little one. Two little girls who need constant supervision, or a house can have a "DO NOT ENTER-DANGER ZONE" sign posted on the door in no time. Well, we found said brother-in-law and son in front of the TV and the girls were upstairs in the craft room buck naked jumping on an air mattress. How does this happen? The girls say they were exercising. Now, I don't know about you and I am going to search the Internet fully, but I have never heard of exercise that required one to get naked. If there was such a sport, I could guarantee I would not be a participant as I would either lose my uterus jumping up and down naked, or I would make the spectators run in horror yelling "Godzilla!" No joke. How do little 3-year-olds think of such things?
little one: "Phew, all of the jumping is making me hot!"
little niece: "me too! I bet if we take off our clothes it will be cooler."
little one: "oh, you are so smart! I feel so much better already!"
little niece: "let's shave the dogs and paint them with finger paints next!"

So the day turned into night and still my husband had not done anything for my birthday. As my mother said, "A birthday is the one day that REALLY is all about you!" This is true, because the good Lord can look around my house and see that I am a mere servant to all of these people who live here. I did notice that my husband jumped into the photo of me with the kids in front of the cake they had made me and decorated with pink icing and sprinkles-what every mom dreams of. I wonder if he thinks I will look at this photo years from now and forget that he went golfing twice on my birthday and did not even get me a card and will simply say "Oh, how nice. All of my family celebrating my birthday." No such luck on that one either--it will be a cold day in you know where before I forget. You see, I have to go to confession and ask forgiveness all the stinking time for these grudges-I have also asked Fr. D. if I can confess some of the sins I think my husband has... he told me no. Dang.

As the sun set on my birthday and I was now in full anger mode, my husband had no idea the things I was saying about him in my mind. No, he just sat on the couch as snug as a bug not knowing that inside my brain were things like "I have given this man children!" or "I am 35 for goodness sakes-and pregnant with this man's forth child!" and even, "I am never buying him another thing or baking him another cake for any of his birthdays EVER AGAIN!" There were the occasional curse word thrown in there as well... but I will spare you.

Well, a day or two later, he finally figured out that he was in the dog house. He has a way of figuring out that I am angry with him wayyyy after the fact so that my anger has diminished and I just blow it off. Basically, he gets away with it! I am sure he would tell you that he does not get away with anything--but that is just him talking and his track record on the lack of holiday rememberings should be enough proof for all of you to just shake your head in sadness for him.

OR---it could all be a part of his plan. You see, a few days later, my sister-in-law and I were heading to a spa to get a pedicure that her Aunt Faye had given us for a gift. Ahhh, sweet Aunt Faye, now here is a person who knows how to give a gift! Our pedicures were at a very posh spa and we were very excited to get pampered for a bit. My feet really needed some help too--what with walking and such! When we arrived everyone was so nice and they kept making comments that they had time left over so if we wanted any other services done it would be no problem. Now, I am the keeper of the checkbook in our house so I was going with the gift pedicure and I was good. As I walked back to the little pedicure area one of the technicians said "Your husband called and said you could get anything done you wanted to." Now... knowing my husband, I thought she was just being funny-you know like those signs you see at some boutiques that read "Your husband called, he said to buy anything you want." Then another girl said it to me and another when finally I had to stop and say "Are you serious?" I guess my husband had called the spa and told them it was my birthday and that he was in the dog house and to give me any treatment I wanted. His brother was quoted in the background yelling "The same goes for my wife!" Finally, after about 20 minutes of interrogating the girls at the spa "Are you sure it was MY husband?" "What exactly did he say?" "How did he sound on the phone?" I began to believe them. Wow--how sweet. My sister-in-law and I decided to get a manicure as well. I sat torn--for three days now I had been mildly perturbed at my husband and then he goes and pulls something sweet like this and I have to be nice. Oh the wicked web he weaves! Mid-way through my manicure I did ask how my husband said to pay for this... and the girl replied, "Oh, he said you would pay for it." I just nodded--I already knew that answer.

After our 2 HOURS at the spa (oh it was bliss!) We met our husband's for dinner at Olive Garden. I smothered my husband with hugs and kisses and laughed when he said "I thought you would get a facial and a haircut as well!" He beamed knowing that he was the hero and I was just the simple peasant girl that accepted his gift. He was relieved that I was no longer giving him the silent treatment, and I was happy to know that he remembered my birthday... three days after the fact.

He claims it was his plan all along to call the spa and add to Aunt Faye's gift. This was a good out for him until I asked him why he would make me sad for three days before giving me a gift... he recanted his words quickly and then asked for a lawyer. My sister-in-law and I have decided to blame all of this on our mother-in-law.


Anonymous said...

Wow Cris. That was - I dunno - either hilarious or sad.
Welcome back, by the way...
I couldn't keep the silent treatment up for 3 days. I would have been throwing things around and fuming for three days though. Several things would definitely be broken.
I would probably have gone out and gotten "the works" with or without Aunt Faye's gift...and used the credit card.
I've done it.
So Rob's pretty good, thank God.
I hate having to fish for gestures of love and fortunately I don't have to.
Thirty-five, eh kid?
Enjoy it while it lasts.
You're a pretty girl.

Cris said...

Alexa, It is a rare talent that I have being able to keep up a silent treatment. HA!

I make my husband sound worse than he is... he tries really hard-honeslty, sometimes he just is a bit off target. Bless him~


Suzanne said...

They do have a way of sort of walking around acting as though they could not possibly imagine that anything is other than "normal" going on, while you are semi-growling inside...wondering "Just WHY doesn't he understand me!" ROFL!
I can real dramatic sometimes...actually, I think it is sincere, and he'll have a way of turning the tables around to made me feel like a heel. AND THIS is from an actually really nice guy too! Someone said it must be that part of me that needs sanctifying...you know how we are supposed to help "sanctify" one another...okay, then, I must either be helping to sanctify him or I need to figure out how to get my part of that done! LOL! Did I make sense? Ha! If I didn't, don't fret...Ha!

Mary Poppins NOT said...

In some sad, twisted way, I am glad to know that my husband isn't some narcissistic freak of nature. I guess that's just men.

I got a card from my sister-in-law for my birthday this last year that said, "It's your birthday! Do whatever you please! Try not to think too hard! And don't worry about anyone but yourself!!

In other words, act like a guy!"

I laughed. My husband did not. Oh well...

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