Dressing for Success, or at least in order to leave the house...

OK, so I started looking at my pregnant body today as I stepped out of the shower. I know, I know-this is a stupid thing for a pregnant woman to do. My older sister said "well what did you go and do that for?" But I am always amazed that not only the belly gets big (mine looks like I have a helium balloon floating under my shirt) but the rear end gets big as well. I can usually be confident that when I look in the mirror (non-pregnant) and I will not see so much cellulite-this is a gift my mother gave to her daughters and I am very thankful. Well, my back side and legs look like my husband's brand new red truck did after it was left out in an Arizona hail storm back in 1993--dented, and believe me these are dents that no insurance company will pay to remove! I decided that maybe I would look better if I had a tan--you know, the whole "tan cellulite looks better than pale cellulite" way of thinking. I rummaged through my bathroom cabinet for my tan-in-a-can and went to work. I didn't realize that I would need to use so much, but by the time I was done and the smoke had cleared I felt a little better about myself... even if the fumes from the spray were making me light-headed. I then walked out of the bathroom, careful not to touch anything for fear that my tan would be wiped away and waddled with my arms in the air to the closet. What to wear, what to wear... seeing as it is cold I decided to wear something warm but not a turtleneck-I wanted to show off my tan after all. This is what it is like for a pregnant woman (me) to get herself dressed:

1. pull on maternity underwear and bra that is not maternity (because I refuse to start wearing a nursing bra when I am only 28 weeks!) and listen as the wires in the bra basically squeak from being pulled to the limits. It is no joke, my bra makes sounds. When I am walking I can hear the faint squeak with every stride. One of these days my bra will go on strike and start picketing.
2. pull on maternity jeans that do not look good on anyone... not even the model on the tag! Sway back and forth as you pull the pants up over the rear and belly alternating hips to and fro so that you get the pants at just the right spot on your hips, only to have them fall down the moment you sit down or bend over. (My sister-in-law, who is also pregnant recently had the "underwear peek show" with her maternity jeans--I feel for you sista!)
3. Pull on a "Bella band" a new thing that I have for this pregnancy. It is a fabric band that goes over your pants/belly and is supposed hold up your pants. It is a pill to get on though, this may be because I ordered a size one (for pre-pregnancy sizes 0-8) Well, any sane woman knows that pre-pregnancy size has NOTHING to do with pregnancy size, but there was no way I was going to order a bigger size--I already know I am big, I do not need to be mocked by my clothing! Getting this Bella band on is about impossible-but after a few minutes and some heavy panting it is snugly in place. It is like a girdle for pregnant ladies, and like Dolly Parton said in Steel Magnolia's "These thighs haven't left the house without lycra on them since I was 12."
4. Put on support tank top. This is to aid the bra in the job of holding up the twins who have surely increased in size and weight but I am still in denial about this--as #1 explains.
5. Put on top that makes it look like I just went out in the garage and found my husband's Coleman tent and put it on. I am talking about the two-man tent, the family size tent with the extra rooms would be just silly.
6. Finally-it is sock and shoe time. They ought to make an Olympic event out of this because it takes a lot of training and skill to achieve this feat without either falling over, or passing out from lack of oxygen to your brain because you cannot breathe when you are bent over your belly for longer than2 seconds.

So, after I was finished dressing I realized that the only tan I probably had left was on my elbows but I no longer cared. Why was I trying to get tan anyway-I am fully covered by layers of clothing!

I headed to the grocery store with the kids-but we first stopped at the BX (the Base exchange on our military base). I flipped through the maternity clothes but decided not to try anything on because I did not have the energy and I did not want anyone calling the MP's because of all of the grunting and moaning that is involved in trying on clothes. I decided to stick to an area that was safe for me--the make up aisle. My children and I proceeded to spend the next hour going through make up and jewelry. My youngest daughter and my son entertained themselves by switching price tags on items while my oldest daughter and I turmoiled over what shade of blush for me to buy. This is a good time to let you know that I do not wear blush-I do not wear a lot of make-up. I am basically a mascara only kind of gal unless I am going out for the evening. My husband calls make-up "war paint" and I figure I have lost the battle so what is the point.

We walked out of the BX with 3 shades of nail polish, 2 shades of blush, jewelry cleaner, and a scale. Why a scale you ask? Well, I want to be prepared the next time I go to the Doctor and they INSIST on weighing me. I don't want to stand like a deer in headlights when I hear to the nurse gasp and "tsk" as she writes down my weight and compares it to last months and I don't want to feel guilty when my chubby male doctor tell me that I need to lay off the fast food. If he gets me on a bad day, I may just tell him the same-and then some. No, I want to be ready-no more preparing for the worst and hoping for the best with my weight... I am going to be aware that all hope is lost and when I leave the Dr's office I will not feel guilty going through the Arby's drive thru for a large curly fry! I am pregnant woman-HEAR ME ROAR!

After all of this, I could not face the grocery and came home. It took me a total of 10 seconds to pull off when took me 20 minutes to put on this morning and I replaced my outfit with sweat pants and a sweatshirt. Then I went to try my new blush-I have one color on each cheek... it is a look that I am sure will be the next fashion craze--just you wait and see!