My Friends Should All Be In Prison...

I was thinking the other day... all of my friends have committed crimes against me! I can't believe I even keep these people around!

A few years ago, my friend Janet broke into my house while I was on vacation and slathered Vaseline all over my toilet seats. Yes, Janet is a college graduate and a mother of 4-she is extremely immature (a trait I look for in friends). When we arrived home after a long drive, my son had to use the toilet BAD... we rushed into the house and I plopped him on the toilet only to have him slide right into the frigid water in the bowl beneath his tush. I shouldn't have to tell you that this set our potty training back months, if not years.

Then there was the time that my friend Connie broke into my house and gathered up all of my bras and panties and stuffed them in my freezer. It was a good thing she did this on a Friday because Saturdays are "underwear optional" around the Cleaver household.

I also remember the time that my friend Lisa (with accomplice Janet) left a party that I was at and broke into my house and short-sheeted my bed. This did not go over as well as they had hoped because my husband and I were a little tipsy when we arrived home and did not even notice that the sheets only came half way up the mattress... no, we just scooted our little rumps down the mattress and had dreams about the Oompa Loompas.

My friend Sherry broke my brand new Christmas tree one year. She was dancing and having a cocktail (or 10) and somehow her snap-jump-twirl turned into a snap-fall-jump-scream. She fell directly into my Christmas tree and now I have to always make sure I put that darn tree in a corner so you cannot see the bent and broken branches that broke her fall. It was actually rather funny... have you ever seen the movie "Elf" when Will Farrell jumps up onto the Christmas tree to put the star on it and it falls over... that was exactly what it looked like with Sherry.

My couch cushions all have to be upside down on the couch because a friend (I think it was Sherry again) spilled an alcoholic beverage all over them. I have tried to clean it, but you just can't get 100 proof alcohol out of couch cushions. Heloise would even be stumped!

I spent one New Year's Day trying to get little bits of color stains out of my brand new hardwood kitchen floors. The party the night before had turned into a "fraternity" type of party complete with island diving (if you don't know what this is, well we could never be friends), spilled alcohol, music and confetti. The confetti landed in the spilled alcohol on the new floors and left little stains. Thank God for Goof-Off.

Our friend Mike (of the infamous LoriandMike) broke into our house while we were on vacation another time and put a life-sized cardboard cutout of Homer Simpson at the door when we opened it up. Again, there had been a long drive before we reached our home and my husband does not believe in stopping for potty breaks until HE has to go to the bathroom and that man is like a CAMEL! So I made a break for the house before the car had even come to a stop only to be greeted by a enormous Homer Simpson. I pee'd myself.

But the worst offense was the time that Lori and another friend of ours (who sadly is no longer our friend because she thought we were childish-whatever) semi-broke into my house and shrink-wrapped our mattress. Now, let me tell you, this was no armature job, this was the work or true criminals. They did not use your regular old kitchen saran wrap, no they used industrial strength saran wrap that only moving companies and gangsters use. The stuff was thick and they used the entire 1000 ft. roll! Carl had been out of town and was more than anxious to get home. I have never seen a person move as fast as he did to get all of that shrink wrap off. The next day Lori was disappointed we hadn't gone downstairs to fetch the 5 gallon jug of olive oil she had given me for my birthday. I mentioned this to Carl and his response was "You would have thought she would have left instructions with the shrink wrap!"

I don't know what it is about me that makes my friends want to treat me this way... I have never done anything at all to provoke such behavior!


:o) said...

ok, I guess we can't be friends cuz I don't know what island diving is. What's with them breaking into your house all the time??? I think they should do a guest spot on your blog and tattle on you.

mamaDB said...

Oh Cris, I don't know what island diving it but am intrigued!

It seems as though you should invest in a home alarm system? I'm betting that there is some serious smug satisfaction about going to bail your friends out of jail after they have tried to break into your house.

Terry Nelson said...

Hi! My nme is terry, and I'm an alcoholic too. LOL!

Wish you lived next door.

Anna said...

ROFL!!! Sounds like your friends have way too much time on their hands..

Guess I'm out

My supervisor has a very small office and when he was on vacation, we shrunk wrapped everything to his desk to include his chair... But we didn't break in, we have keys.

Cris said...

Hi Terry

Cris said...

Oh, and island diving is when you take a running start and then slide yourself across the kitchen island... and the person who goes the furthest without sliding right off wins.

I have no excuse for this behavior.

the Mom said...

We(my husband and I) broke into a friend's house and removed all the labels from all of the cans, stole all the light bulbs (even the ones in the fridge, the oven, and the drier), the filled the house with 500 confetti-filled balloons. You should have seen their faces when they popped the balloons to get rid of them and the confetti flew everywhere.

I may not know island-diving, but I could hang with your friends.

the Mom

Kathryn said...

I'm eager to hear your friends tell all, but now I have some ideas for my friends!!

LORI said...

There is absolutely 'NO WAY' I would tattle on Cris! Paybacks can be Hell! However let me just say that one of her fabulous suggestions necessitated my husband Mike call on the assistance of both a plumber and drywaller to repair a botched up installation! Now that one was embarrassing. But she really must tell the story of the chocolate pudding and the toilet seat..it's a classic and PG.

The Redneck Princess said...

Funny how you never mentioned all the things you've done to pay them back! I'm in the waiting period of retribution myself right now. I had a party last month and for those that didn't show up we went and T-P'd their houses. Not nearly as fun though as the breaking in and putting vaseline on the toilet seats! That is a classic! I'm afraid though most of my friends unfortunately have security systems! DAMN!!

Cecilia said...

Woman, you don't need new friends, you need new LOCKS!! (Don't forget the windows, too!) :-D