I Need To Post A Sign On My Door... "Beware of Mother"

When I was a kid, I remember my parents had a sign posted in the window of our door that read "No Solicitors." I always thought this was weird as we never had door-to-door salesmen. I thought it would be neat to have a man in a three piece suit and a hat come knocking at our door selling vacuums and then make a mess on our living room carpet only to show my mother what an amazing vacuum he was selling... but since we had that stinkin' sign on our door, I never came face to face with a door-to-door salesman. The closest thing I ever came to an encounter with such a person was when I read the book "Death Of A Salesman" and it freaked me out about door-to-door salesmen being all depressed and crap.

Anyway, it seems in today's day and age door-to-door salesmen are making a comeback, only they are not selling vacuums, they are selling magazine subscriptions, or biodegradable cleaners in order to make a better life for themselves out of the ghetto.

At least once a week I open my door to find a rough looking fellow with a wife-beater tank top on and pants that look like his old Grandpa Max used to wear before he went on a diet and lost 175 lbs.

He gives me a heartfelt testimony about how he was in prison for killing his ex-girlfriend but it was not his fault since he was high on crack and so the judge gave him a second chance and ordered him to go door-to-door in my neighborhood and sell me magazine subscriptions. Oh, and my neighbor just down the street bought 4 subscriptions because she believes in the process of giving a person a second chance and helping them make something of themselves, so won't I consider helping him out and getting a subscription to Shape Magazine or Cosmopolitan?

I HATE this!

Well today my doorbell rang. I had to run as fast as I could to beat my children to the door because although I have warned them about opening the door to strangers, there is nothing more appealing than seeing who is on the other side of our front door... and it gets them away from their schoolwork for a minute or two. So, after I beat my kids to the door I opened it to see yet another down and out sort of fellow trying to sell me some AMAZING cleaner that "Sarah" down the street just bought from him. He asked "You know Sarah don't you?" to which I replied "No... I don't have a neighbor named Sarah, try another name and let's see how you do."

He looked at me and said, "Are you friendly?"

I replied, "No, are you?"

He said, "Yes I am friendly."

I reiterated, "I am not. I don't want to buy your cleaner. Good luck with the whole "making yourself better" thing you have going here." and closed the door.

You would think the others would have warned him about me.


Christine Rockwell said...

LOL - That's a total scam! The movie Office Space totally blew their cover - you would think they would have caught on by now!

Kathryn said...

That is too funny! I'll have to write a post sometime about how we handle telemarketers.

Lori said...

BEWARE these saleskids for the AMAZING cleaner are slick. Before I knew it I had one in my upstairs shower demonstrating how the AMAZING cleaner would demolish soap scum!
Her sales pitch was "My mama always said seeing is believing".
This chick should be selling "bridges", I bought and it doesn't work. I usually never buy this crap!

Momto5Minnies said...

When I moved here I was known to answer the door, but now I pretend that I am not home ... locking doors, closing shades, shutting the garage. Somehow I became the paranoid person who is afraid to have a stranger talking to me on my property. They don't even recommend that children sell door to door.


Cris said...

Elaine, I have to admit that I get a little paranoid as well. Why do they only sell during the day when only moms are home? It freaks me out.

Special K ~Toni said...

You should ask your mom where to get that sign!

Regina said...

Got one today!! I am on the phone and trying to hold back 3 kids. Can't get a word in edgewise. When he realizes I am about to say no he takes the nozzle and LICKS the stem that sticks into the cleaning stuff to show me just how safe it is! Does this tactic actually work?Weird.

Sniz said...

Ok, this is now officially one of my favorite blogs. You are just too funny and I really need the laughs! But you didn't mention people going door to door trying to convert you to their religion. We get either a Kirby salesman or someone like that at least once a month knocking on our door. (Why do they always come when they can be fairly sure the man of the house isn't home?) Oh, and your description of the guy with his uncle's pants and the wife-beater. So true, therefore so funny and vivid! I can picture that guy so wall. Great post!

Shauna Loves Chocolate said...

Two words: