Muffin Tops, Not For Breakfast Anymore...

Today I pulled out all of my cool weather clothes. I was thrilled because it has been a long time since I wore these wonderful garments due to my pregnancy last winter. I hugged my comfy jeans and twirled around with my cozy sweaters. I know that I am not back to my pre-pregnancy weight yet... which is very confusing to me as I wake up every morning and hop on the scale and scratch my head in wonder. Why am I not back to my normal weight? Why am I not back to the weight I was when I got married? Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? These questions I have yet to answer and I challenge anyone else to answer them as well... if they dare.

Well, I pulled on my favorite pair of jeans. The ones that every woman has in her closet. The ones that fit you on your fat days and hang a little loose on your skinny days. The ones that make you butt look better, your tummy look smaller and your legs look longer. They are miracle workers I tell you!

I pulled them on and buttoned them up. I looked in the mirror and I screamed in horror~! Somehow my favorite jeans have turned on me! They have given me the biggest muffin top I have ever seen! If you do not know what a muffin top is, let me explain. Pretend you are putting on a great pair of jeans. They button and zip with little to no effort. You pull your top on and look in the mirror. Somehow your jeans have taken all of the excess fat from your waist area and shoved it above the jeans only to make you look like a size 6 from the waist down and a size 12 from the waist up. It is unattractive. It is embarrassing. It should be against the law.

I am in a bit of a pickle. My muffin top has made me rethink my aversion to jogging. But if I start jogging, what will all of the joggers in the area think when they know me as the woman who shouts obscenities at them as I drive by in my minivan? I just don't know if I can go over to the dark side-the heavy breathing and sweaty side.

Darn that Adam and Eve. If they had just left that stupid apple alone I would be walking around naked and never even know what a muffin top was! The best part is that everyone would be naked and none of us would realize it. It wouldn't be like a nudist camp where you have fat old men sunning themselves in the buff because it is "freeing." No, we would all be naked and happy-not caring if we needed to jog a few miles to get on our favorite pair of jeans.

It is apparent to me that muffin tops are the evil doing of the devil.

*The above picture IS NOT ME! I look worse.


Sniz said...

I wonder if a man or a woman came up with that colorful, visual, perfectly descriptive term. It is pretty self-explanatory, kinda like camel-toe.

the Mom said...

Come on over to the dark side. After baby number 4, I quickly learned that a morning jog was 30 minutes ALONE in a place where the little people can't find me...the phone doesn't ring..nothing needs to be cleaned...there are no papers to grade... It's just me and the sound of my feet hitting the pavement. Bliss!

the Mom

Momto5Minnies said...

I know all about the muffin top thing. I am not a big person and can still put on the small jeans, but the waist has thickened ... especially after birthing 5 babies.

RUNNING WORKS ... I swear by it.

My husband has remarked about how skinny I have been looking. Maybe I have lost 4 pounds, but mostly it is the shrinking of the muffin top. When i put on my jeans the other day I felt GREAT!

Don't hit me ... just run! OR, buy new jeans that fit below the fatty part.

Shauna Loves Chocolate said...

God, I hate running too.
But I'm with theMom... I joined a gym and go after the kids are in bed. It's wonderful to have time to yourself - and not feel guilty about it because "I need to go or else we're wasting all that money." SO worth it.