10.14.2007

I May Have Suffered A Slight Heart Attack...

Before I tell you the main story of this post, I need to fill you in on two little stories that go along with the big story.

Keep up, all will be revealed.

The first story: When Carl and I were first dating, he decided to teach me how to drive his manual car. I had only had experience with automatic vehicles... baby blue 12 passenger van type of vehicles to be exact. After a few twists and turns on the 20 mph roads, he thought I was ready for the big leagues and directed me right on to an on-ramp. Before I knew what was happening I was driving on the highway and I started to scream, cry and stall. This story also reminds me a lot of my wedding night, but I digress... I freaked out, he yelled at me, and people were honking and gearing up to unleash their road rage upon me. Eventually I was able to get the car moving and get off of the highway. I think I may have even pee'd my pants a little that day. This is the day I started to make little mean faces at my husband when he was not looking. It is his own fault that sometimes I stick my tongue out at him and roll my eyes when he tells me something with his back toward me. I am not proud of this, but if he had not made me stall his car on the Dan Ryan and then yell at me, well I would be a much more well-balanced person.

The second story: When I was in labor with our first child I was hooked up to every machine in the hospital. I think I may have even been hooked up to the ATM, that may explain that nasty run in with a male nurse and his debit card, but again, I digress... One of the machines that I was hooked up to would track my contractions. It would tell me when I was calm and contraction free and it would tell me when I was having a semi-truck drive straight through my abdomen. Carl instantly fell in love with this machine. For the next three hours he would tell me when a contraction was about to happen. He would say "10 seconds now, 9, 8, 7, 6, you only have about 5 more seconds until a contraction, 4, 3, 2, oh, this one looks like it is going to really hurt, 1. You should be feeling a contraction right now." Eventually I ripped out his tongue and threw it across the room. The three births that I have had since that first one, Carl has not been allowed to talk during labor. He may try, but I will oh so delicately explain to him that the sound of his voice whilst I am in labor sounds like fingernails on a chalk board, and if he even wanted to be present at the birth of his children then he needed to sit quietly, making no comments... except maybe to tell me how amazing I am.


OK, now that you are caught up, I can tell you this story...


After the Mom posted a comment telling me I should start jogging because "After baby number 4, I quickly learned that a morning jog was 30 minutes ALONE in a place where the little people can't find me...the phone doesn't ring..nothing needs to be cleaned...there are no papers to grade... It's just me and the sound of my feet hitting the pavement. Bliss!" I thought that a jog sounded like Heaven wrapped in a Dairy Queen cup. I couldn't get my running shoes out of the closet and dusted off fast enough!

I made the mistake of telling my husband that I wanted to start jogging. I even went so far as to ask him if he wanted to jog with me in the morning before he goes off to work. Now, if you know me personally, you may be saying to yourself "What in the mother loving world is she thinking? Cris does not jog, Cris does not sweat, Cris does not do anything that will cause heavy breathing whatsoever... except for that one thing-you know what I am talking about, and Cris does not do anything other than sleep in the morning... she doesn't even make her own children breakfast! She makes them eat cold pizza and leftover pot roast in the morning! She is out of her mind!"

Wait... I must tell you first that my husband loves me very much. He loves me when I am fat, and he loves me when I am a supermodel. He genuinely loves me for my mind. I also have ocean front property in Arizona that I would like to sell you... just send me your credit card and Mr. MasterCard will say OK! No, seriously, he loves me.

ANYWAY... I get a phone call from my husband today and he says "Put your running gear on, we are going jogging." I hang up and wonder what exactly IS running gear? I trudge upstairs and start going through my drawers. I found a sports bra with the elastic shot so I had to wear a second one over that one because I have some lovely lady humps that are full of manna from heaven-I needed to tie these puppies down. I put another tank top on for security reasons and then a t-shirt just in case. I pull on a pair of shorts and head downstairs to stretch-because that is what runners do, and starting today, I am a runner.

We start off fast... too fast for me and I am huffing and puffing and by the time we hit the corner my chest was burning and I may have dropped my bladder at the end of my neighbor's driveway.

I start walking. My husband yells at me to "KEEP RUNNING!" and so I follow behind him, making faces at the back of his head. Before I know what is happening he turns the corner out of our subdivision and is running along the busy highway-like road. Now let me tell you, there is nothing more embarrassing than running along traffic with your running shorts jammed up your butt crack and your left boob playing peek-a-boo with your tank top, not to mention the cellulite on the back of my legs jiggling and my butt bouncing up and down as if I were on a mechanical bull. It was at this moment that I started to understand my friend when she told me the story of when she was hiking Mt. Kilimanjaro with her husband and she just kept repeating in her head over and over "I hate my husband, I hate my husband." with each excruciating step up the mountain. Sure, she has the lack of oxygen to blame for her "psycho" chant... I just had years of relying on my hereditary thinness and the loss of blood flow to my head.

Eventually he turned off the "highway" from hell and slowed so that I could catch up. When we were side by side he kept talking. He talked about the bills, he took a mental tally of all of the clothes in his closet and what he was going to pack for his trip in November, he talked about Aaron's baseball team, Hope's softball techniques, Emma's coloring pages, Mary Claire's poo... he talked and talked and talked until I wanted to scream "STOP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!"

You have to understand that I was in pain. I have not run in over 10, OK 20 years. My heart was about to burst out of my chest and my legs were about to crumble under me. I could not breath, my mouth was dry, I was coughing (I think I may have contracted asthma on this run) and my hair kept blowing in my eyes-I do not have a runners hairdo.

We ran for maybe a mile-not all at once... I am not the bionic woman people!

When we were finally home and I was standing in my cold shower I had some thoughts
#1 I would be kicked off of "The Biggest Loser" on the first day.
#2 Are you supposed to taste blood in your mouth when you run?
#3 I may have pulled something in my butt.
#4 I may very well have suffered a slight heart attack-or a stroke, yes, I may have had a stroke.

But my final thought was about my husband. Thank God I have him to help me along-to toss me onto a highway and talk to me until I want to vomit. If he can handle my complaining and cursing at him, I may be able to keep this torture up!

12 comments:

Momto5Minnies said...

LOL!

FIRST ... you do not run with your husband

Second ... make sure you are prepared. You need a good running bra, some shoes that are of this decade, and some GREAT music to get you movin'

Third ... blood in the mouth is normal when you are starting out. Push yourself, but don't overdo it.

Fourth ... MAKE YOURSELF go back out and do it (after a days rest). Don't they say that you need to do something for 3 weeks and it becomes habit??? You will be happy to have this habit!

Anonymous said...

LMAO, and crying at the same time, your blog is GREAT!!!

Dont give up, Never surrender.

Take it easy, start out slow and you will do fine.

Michelle said...

Woo hoo. You go girl!!!!!!!

I was right where you are two years ago and I ran the Army Ten Miler last year. That was the FIRST time I ever ran with my husband. I plan to run it again next year...how about you run with me, and we'll let the guys kill themselves?

Michelle, Your FAV neighbor said...

Dang I wish I had known this was going on so that I could have video taped it all for You Tube!

Devra said...

See, this is exactly why I will not run with The Huz. He will try to control the entire experience and act like I am "in training" or that I am trying to get in shape for a PT test. He got that way about riding bicycles too! He becomes an utter "funsucker" because he has this idea in his head about how we are all "supposed" to do it. See, this is what happens when a person's career is chock full o' regs! The Huz is also Air Force and in our house he will be the only one because I just can't play that way and follow all of those rules! ; )

Lori said...

Oh, please let me send Mike over to help you out! He'll have you running a marathon in no time!!
Honey you are on a roll...your week-end blogs were definitely 10's!
Lori

the Mom said...

Ack! Did you miss the ALONE part? That means no husband, no children, no dog...just you and...well, yourself.

And in response to your comment on my blog, your husband is neurotic about being on time because he's a military man...just like my dad. So, your children will probably be just as messed up as I am. It's too bad the folks wasted everything on that and didn't make me scared of dust bunnies. I have a whole colony thing going on here.

Love,
the Mom

Entropy said...

Now let me tell you, there is nothing more embarrassing than running along traffic with your running shorts jammed up your butt crack and your left boob playing peek-a-boo with your tank top, not to mention the cellulite on the back of my legs jiggling and my butt bouncing up and down as if I were on a mechanical bull.

My husband is going to kill me for spitting my margarita all over the keyboard when I read that!

southernjoy said...

ROFL! I really, really needed this laugh tonight. THANK YOU!

Beth said...

I used to run with my husband. He would always run way ahead of me because I was way to slow.

I made the mistake of telling him that I didn't like to run because I could feel my butt moving up and down. That was 8 years ago...he still brings that up.

Needless to say...I don't run anymore.

Cris said...

I just can't do it alone. I will give up after 30 seconds and walk to Dairy Queen. I need my husband there yelling at me... you all live too far away to depend on!

Elaine-I will take your advice and go buy a new sports bra. I about knocked myself out today!

I also have to buy an i pod.

And new shoes...

this running thing is expensive! Seriously, chubby and Dairy Queen is much more economical.

cedric said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Ruth

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