Diet... Has The Word "DIE" In It For A Reason!

So my husband is being promoted at the end of this month. I am very proud of him, oh who am I kidding? I am very excited for the pay raise! A few days ago I realized that we would be taking photos at this promotion ceremony and the body I am sporting right now would forever be preserved for all to see for generations and worse... when he retires, there may very well be a neat little slide show documenting all of his accomplishments, and I would be on that slide show with my frumpy haircut and my saggy body for all to gasp at. I could not let this happen!

I was nursing Mary Claire one morning and watching the infomercials. I love infomercials... nowhere else can you find a liquid that could take out blood from a carpet like you can on infomercials. It is where all serial killers shop. I came upon a infomercial called "Slim in 6." Have you heard of this? Apparently if I do this routine I will be slim in 6 weeks. Then they started showing before and after pictures and I got all excited... and to top it off, they had a supermodel claim that she herself had used this system after having her child and look at where she is now-she is a sex symbol and raking in the dough with each magazine spread! How could I NOT buy this product??? I went directly to my computer and ordered it. I felt like I was well on the way to a slimmer me-I was pumped!

It took a few days for it to arrive in the mail so my excitement and motivation had diminished a bit-especially since I love to watch the Food Network and Paula Deen is happily plump eating whatever her heart desires. She was just as happy as that supermodel on the infomercial was. I was in a pickle... do I eat and be happy, or diet and be cranky until I am a supermodel. Oh the dilemma!

Well I have taken on this challenge and have banished all thing yummy from my daily eating. I now dine on egg whites and cottage cheese most of the day... oh and lettuce. I eat plain chicken breasts and brussel sprouts. I have broccoli, cauliflower, asparagus, and flax seed. No where does it say I can eat any of those damn donut holes we have in the fridge just sitting there tormenting me!

I am also working out in my family room to a DVD where the girls keeps saying "You're Doing Soooo Good!" as if she can see me. I think it is funny when she tells me how hard I am working when I am just standing there watching HER do the squats while I sip on my water.

I am sure to close the blinds before I start this workout-I don't need the neighbors seeing me lunging and squatting and such. It is not a pretty picture. Maybe when I look like the supermodel I will do the workout on my back patio, but right now I feel better if the blinds are securely tight.

I also refuse to do the workout while my husband is home. I have not even told him about my DIEt. If I do then he will ask each and every mother loving day if I have worked out and if I have eaten all of the right things. He thinks he is being supportive, I think he is being judgemental.

I am 2 days into my 6 weeks and when I started I promised I would not jump on the scale for an entire week. This is hard for me because I am a scale whore. I jump on my scale probably 5 times a day--just to see what my weight is. I would check myself into a psychiatric ward for evaluation if this daily dance with my scale were making me STOP eating, but I really don't give a crap what the scale reads... I just have to step on it a few times a day to satisfy my OCD.

I will let you know how I do at the end of the 6 weeks. My posts may be a little cranky and "woman on the edge-ish" from lack of potato chips, but I am sure you will understand. I already warned my children... my husband, well I think I am going to let him deal with his wife's "unexplained" mood because in the end he will be lovin' my smokin' hot supermodel body!


Anonymous said...

You'd best get the Food Network disconnected from your cable service! You were in true form on this entry!
Love ya from Nebraska.

Biddy said...

i have had the number to slim in 6 in my cell phone for like a year. i'm anxious to see how it works for you and maybe i'll finally put that phone number to use!

Dana said...

I hope you do better than I did. I quit going to the gym after 2 days. Good luck!

Sister Mary Martha said...

Stressed is desserts spelled backwards.

Special K ~Toni said...

I almost ordered that also! Can't wait for your review!

Congrats on hubbys promotion!