Do you ever feel like your life is dictated for you? My life has been mapped out by other people for so long that I do not even know what I would do if left up to my own devises.
Take this morning for example... I was awoken at 4am to feed a crying little baby. No big deal. I actually enjoy these little feedings because the house is quiet and I can cuddle with a sweet smelling baby for a bit.
I am woken up again just before 7 by my alarm. I had to get the brisket in the oven for a picnic we are going to today. I trudge downstairs careful not to wake the 4 year old. The dog comes happily bounding behind me so I let her out. I turn to see she has no food, so I feed her.
I head back upstairs to sleep because we went to Saturday evening Mass so that means that maybe, just one day, I can sleep in a bit.
My husband gets out of bed as I am climbing back in because he is going golfing. He turns on lights, opens and closes drawers, walks around while brushing his teeth (a habit of his I loathe because a.) it grosses me out, and b.) he drops little dollops of toothpaste on the carpet from time to time.)
He then does something that will change the outcome of my day. He walks into Aaron and Emma's room to wake Aaron to take him with him. He inadvertently wakes the 4 year old.
This one "accident" causes my day to be dictated by others... like always. I had to get up and start being mom.
Another day of picking up toys, cleaning dirty dishes, washing loads of laundry, bed making, wet towel picking uping, disciplining, nursing, cooking and so on. Another day of constantly doing for others and being overlooked by everyone.
Oh yeah, I sound like I want a big pity party... whatever. I guess my turning point was when my husband drove out of here for 4-5 hours of alone time on the golf course.
A good friend of mine once said to me "Oh leave him be, let him go golfing. What harm does it cause?" This friend of mine did not have children so she has no idea what it is like to have your days all flow in together. There is no difference between Saturday and Wednesday around here. There are no days off. No break from the workplace. If anything, my weekends are more hectic because now I have a grown man around the house wanting me to make him a sandwich and go fetch him all of the things he needs to do a project for me. ugh.
I do not even have alone time in the bathroom. Ever since Emma figured out she has opposable thumbs and could open any door, my life has constant companionship. I go to the bathroom with a baby on the floor mat in front of me (because if I am not in her eye sight at all times she will cry) and then Emma will come in to see if she can have a snack, play a game, ride her bike, watch TV, or change her outfit for the 10th time. The dog comes in as well because she gets nervous if I am on the opposite side of a door than she is and will either sit there and cry for me or put her nose at the bottom crack and make all kinds of sniffing sounds-something I do not enjoy while I am trying to use the loo.
The sad thing is that when I start to feel like I am going crazy in this house of fertility and diapers, I begin to fantasize about the padded room the men in white coats will put me into. I bet it is really quiet in there and I could sleep for hours all cuddled up in that straight jacket. It is amazing how your fantasies change after you have children...