My Family Tree Needs To Be Sprayed For Bugs...

My cousin Steve is coming out for our wee one's Baptism in a couple of weeks. He is the Chosen One... the Godfathu. Steve is the offspring of my mom's brother-Uncle Chuck. This is the man who I have seen mashed potatoes come out of his nose and who used to make us laugh for family portraits in front of the Christmas tree all decked out in polyester by flicking his fake tooth in and out of his mouth. Good memories-good times. Now Steve and I can have hours of fun just by making fun of our parents... it is the least we can do for all of those purple polyester pant suits.

Anyway, when Steve and I are together a good time is sure to be had by all. Well, maybe not all-but we are having a RIOT! Our spouses may roll their eyes at our jokes or our constant sarcasm, but we find each other completely entertaining.

I emailed Steve just yesterday about some home improvement jobs we have in store for him when he gets here and he emailed me back with a truly June Cleaver worthy reply. I thought I would share it with you all since I about fell out of my chair laughing...

My email to Steve:

OK, so my daughter's room needs a ceiling fan. Carl is going to purchase said fan, but does not have time to install it (read: does not know HOW to install it and the thought that he is not a handy man who can install a ceiling fan makes him feel insecure) We were going to have our painter Peruvian handy guys install it for us-but they wanted to charge $80... and they wanted to eat our guinea pig.

Carl called me today with a brilliant idea! He said "See if Steve will help me install the ceiling fan when he is here! (read: See if Steve will install the fan while I watch and assist by holding the nuts and bolts.)

So, we have a job for you when you get here... hell, you and I can probably do it. I recall installing the ceiling fan in my parent's kitchen in Highland. The garage door closed every time you flipped the switch, but that sucker could fan like no other ceiling fan!


This was Steve's reply:

Not a problem. It will be a pleasure assisting Carl. Have no fear, I only killed three and maimed seven assistants last year. All accidental. Way better than the year before. All charges have been dropped.

Do you think they will let me on the plane with a blowtorch, jumper cables, and a sledgehammer? I hope so. The Lord knows you can't put in a ceiling fan without them! Come to think of it, my rental car has unlimited mileage. If I need any tools I can just swing by home and get them. Golly Gee, am I smart, or what?! You are so lucky to have a cousin like me! I have good Levis.

Kind of a funny story for you. Today I went to get my ears lowered. My regular stylist is on maternity leave, so she had another girl cut my hair. Since the boss is gone, the radio is a little louder, the girls are a little more carefree, and we're having a good time yucking it up. I am just being "Steve" when all of a sudden the girl cutting my hair starts dry heaving and laughing. "What the heck", I say. It was so weird that I thought she was faking it.

I turns out that she has a "dry heaving trigger word". To which, I thought was about the funniest thing I ever saw. As well as her and everybody else there. Definitely the first time I had ever seen someone dry heaving and laughing when alcohol was not involved. It turns out that this tall, heavy set, girl wearing black, with different color streaks in her hair, deeper raspy voice, multiple ear piercings and a bottom lip ring, cannot hear the word "moist". For some unknown reason, "moist" turns this, could be an Ultimate Fighter or mercenary, stylists stomach. To which the real fun began. By the time I had left we covered everything from faking it (mmmmMoses or mmmmmmodel) to Betty Crocker's Super Moist cakes. Everyone's sides were sore. I believe some were numb from the waist down, and pretty sure a couple women peed a little bit. Laughter was becoming forbidden due to the migraines that were ensuing.

The entertainment value is worth the four dollar increase over the barber and the digs I get on just about any given day.


So my devoted readers, I share this with you because I thought that email was a great "guest writer" introduction to Steve. I am sure I will have many more stories to share with you after the Baptism weekend.

It is amazing how far a trombone playing Irishman can get on making people laugh just by saying the word "moist!" Only Steve... only Steve.


Dana said...

I wish I had a cousin Steve! He sounds like such fun!

Shauna said...

I wanna be in your family tree!

Toni said...

I'm with Dana and Shauna! You should have a party!!