5.19.2007

Are You There God? It's Me, June Cleaver.

Jennifer and I are in the same boat... you know the one I am talking about. The one that is lost at sea and we are breastfeeding all of the hungry people.

Yesterday when I had my 2.564 minutes of free baby time I clicked over to her blog to see how she was holding up with a newborn. She was talking about not feeling as if she knew what she was doing-even though she had done this once before.

That got me thinking... I don't know what I am doing either! People expect me to-my husband expects me to know how to take care of this little infant, my Doctor calls me a "pro" because this is my fourth baby, my friends will come to me for advice on how to parent, and my new baby is surely hoping that I know what the hell I am doing here... but I don't.

If any career can make you feel inadequate it is motherhood, and let me tell you, I feel pretty lost.

Last night was a long night. I had never had a long night with any of my other children--or at least I do not remember having long nights with any of my other children. Maybe I did but I suffer from motherhood amnesia. This is the same type of amnesia that makes you forget the pain for childbirth so that in a few years you think to yourself "Wouldn't it be swell to have a sweet smelling infant around again?" and before you know it you are saying "OH Crap! I remember this pain!"

As I walked the floor with my new daughter last night I started to have a conversation with God. It was one of those "Just what are ya thinkin' up there God?" My husband and I have tried to plan out our lives as best we can. I have always known that God was truly the One in control of our lives, but He always seemed to be happy with how we were doing things so He never really stepped in to make me feel like I had NO control-and He apparently had it all. We all probably live like this at some point or another. We pray, we go to Church, we raise our children to love Jesus, and we fool ourselves into thinking that although we are making the choices, it is God whom we have put in the drivers seat of our lives-when all along we don't want Him to take control... we are fine thank you.

Our first three children were planned-by my husband and I. Sure, God knew they were His plan, but I always felt that they came just at the right time in our lives to fit into our plan. With our new baby--we were completely not in the loop of this plan. God showed me that He was taking over the wheel and driving this car. I am not going to lie to you and tell you I was thrilled with being pregnant again, because I was not. No, I was down right pissed off.

Throughout the pregnancy I prayed and tried to accept the fact that I was heading back into babyhood... all he while wondering why God decided to finally step in and take a little of the control back. I also wondered why He decided to do it in this manner-another baby? Surely He could have done it in a different way like maybe letting us win the lottery or something.

Last night as I started to make a worn out path in our hardwood floors with my new infant crying and squirming because her tummy must have been upset, or she had to poop, or she was too warm, or too cold, or she didn't like the pj's I put her in, or she wanted to light off, no on, no off, no on... I realized that I have no idea what I am doing! I had never felt the loss of control like I did last night. Then it hit me. This child who I held in my arms did not know me, and I do not know her... but God knows exactly who she is. I was so worried and angry about my own life plan that I failed to realize that God may not have been thinking so much about MY life, but the plan He has for our wee one's life.

I felt completely humbled at that point. All of my children have a plan that God has thought out for them... I am simply here to guide them along. To help them fulfill His plan. Hopefully I can look at motherhood as less of a career and more of a calling. Maybe we don't always agree with His plan, but it is moments like last night when I feel close to God. When I feel I am doing what I am supposed to be.

This is life-it is not meant to be all happy and full of butterflies and bunnies. It is hard-and learning from the hard parts is what makes life worth living fully. So kiss your kids today-God kisses them everyday. Tell your spouse you love them-God tells them that every day. Call your mom and dad and listen to them tell you the same story over and over again for the 100th time-God listens to them every day. Let someone hug you-God wraps His arms around you EVERY DAY!

8 comments:

LeeAnn Balbirona said...

Beautiful post. Reminds me of so many moments with my own four children.

Suzanne said...

(((BIG BIG OL HUG!)))
:)

Suzanne

Mary Poppins NOT said...

Yup. You nailed it. Now you are becoming REAL! (a la Velveteen Rabbit). And in three years (which will fly, trust me), you'll be staring at that wee one and wondering how on earth she could already be 3. My "baby" will be three tomorrow, and while I do remember some long hard days and nights, I would do it over just to hold her as a baby again.

I am so glad you were with God last night and not all by yourself. What a blessings!

Shauna said...

Nice post. Sorry you feel this way. Take care. And get yourself more chocolate cake!!!

AuburnGalAlways said...

Wow. This is beautiful. I have been trying to read it all day. It's a crazy day where God has been in control here too. But not just with my baby, but with a death in the family. You have described the process of getting to know one's new baby in such a wonderful way.

Give her a nibble from me.

fertlmertl said...

Wheeeweee, could have been me writing that post, especially the first part, about the "plan". My #4 is sleeping now but the first 2 months were brutal. Turns out, my #4 is what I like to call "my best baby". I tell her "You're my favorite, don't tell the others." I had the thought the other day that maybe God gave her to us at this most inopportune time just so that I'd want to bring the next one into the world. Maybe. I love your realization that "But God knows exactly who she is." Simply put and beautiful. Most of the simple things are.

My sister is Laura (the crazy one) and yesterday when I was trying to get all four children who are ages four and under into the car-AGAIN-Laur was helping me and I looked at her through the screaming and crying and said, "Some day it won't be like this right?!?!?!"

I felt so guilty about saying it because all night all I could imagine was how much worse it could be. I could be sick, my children could have some horrid disease...and THEN wouldn't I be wishing for days like this where it's "just" crying or "just screaming" or "just the twins intermittently trying to kill or hug one another".

I'm going to remember your thoughts today when, (while my husband is still out of town) I'm trying to nurse the baby, keep the twins from falling off tall ledges and ensure that the 4 yr. old has something more to do than wander through the house talking to herself because mom is nursing the baby and flipping out at the twins.

Thanks for the reminder.

PS Funny blog.

Annie said...

That was beautiful. I would say you know exactly what you're doing ;)

Dana said...

That was great. I really needed to read that today.