5.12.2007

McAngel

So yesterday's post brought me A LOT of emails. Most were supportive and some were warnings (kind of like "your face will freeze like that" warnings) one was from a man who wanted to suck my toes... but I have enough problems. Anyway, thanks for everyone who wrote saying they had felt the exact same way at some point. That is why I did that post, because when I had my first baby 12 years ago I didn't know that many women go through a day, a week, a month, a year where they feel they have hit a wall. Yesterday's post brought me two realizations... the first is that I am so very thankful I am not a Scientologist and married to Tom Cruise, and the second was that it is amazing what eating a half of a chocolate cake that the neighbor brought over can do for one's outlook... and I just convinced myself that the baby will nurse all of those extra calories right out of me. Today is a better day.

OK, on to a different topic... yesterday I was filling out our Wee One's baby book and it wanted to know the name of the Doc who delivered her. This sounds like an easy question, except for the fact that I have no idea the name of the Doc that delivered our baby. I sat startled, I don't even know if he was a REAL Doc or if he was the floor janitor!

When I made my way up to Labor and Delivery, I met a very nice Doc. He checked me and that was the last time I saw him because of shift change. I met the next Doc who was a female and very sweet... younger than me and skinnier, but still sweet. Later in the evening another Doc strolled in to introduce himself and let me know that he was "supervising" the female Doc that I had already met. I also met my anaesthesiologist, who was by far my favorite Doc in the entire hospital--I plan on doing an entire post on him in the near future, that is how much I liked him. Anyway, the two OB Docs were the only two Docs I knew of and I assumed one of them would be delivering our baby. In the military, you get who is on call basically-no matter who you have been seeing for the past 9 months.

Well, things started moving along and I started to feel a lot of pressure and I wanted to push. I could not push because the Doctors were all busy with other women--the nerve! As I lay there breathing in and out with each contraction trying not to push, our wee one's heart rate dropped. I was not alarmed, I know this happens and I just figured it was her way of saying "Let's move this along shall we?" Well, before I knew it, there were a GAZILLION Docs in my room... and I recognized not one of them. Where did they all come from? There must have been a Doc convention in the cafeteria and they all decided to converge in my room. They were having a vagina party, and my vagina was the main event!

Finally one Doc decided to take charge and as I looked at him, I realized that he was gorgeous. I am not talking "this man is going to save me from this pain" gorgeous, I am talking "Grey's Anatomy" gorgeous. I instantly nicknamed him McAngel in my mind. He instructed the nurses to roll me from my left side to my right side back to my left, all the while having my rear end shifted back and forth completely open for all to view which I am willing to bet looked a lot like a walrus being shifted from left to right on a chucks pad. I was cursing myself for not getting that bikini wax because although I was about to birth a baby, I realized I was about to do it in front of a gorgeous man whom I had never seen before!

My hair was a mess and my make up was all but gone... not to mention that my husband was standing next to me holding my leg up in the air. You just can't get a flirt on with a gorgeous Doc when your husband is holding up your leg and you are half naked.

I birthed the baby, McAngel fixed me up and shook my husband's hand and departed. I never saw him again. I didn't even get his name. I don't even know if he was a real man or a figment of my drug altered imagination. All I do know is that he was hot... which is such a weird thought to have about the Doc who just saw your unmentionables being mentioned all over the room. All of this made me start to think how easy it would be to impersonate a Doctor. McAngel could very well have been a model for Calvin Klein who wanted to see what life is like for an OB Doc and he picked my delivery to try it out. If that is the case, he did a good job and he should seriously consider dropping the modeling and become a full-time Doc, although I would much rather see him be a orthopedic doc, or a podiatrist rather than an OB Doc.

June Cleaver rule #2765: Never go to a gorgeous gyno. You will leave hoping for a phone call that will never come.

5 comments:

Bridget said...

You are a crack up!!!

Toni said...

You are too much today! That chocolate cake did wonders for you!

Dana said...

I have ALWAYS said that OB/GYNs should NOT be allowed to be gorgeous.

Shauna said...

I went out and got me some chocolate cake too - and it helped!

kristi said...

Hilarious!!!