What Every Girl Needs...


Every woman needs friends, and I am not talking about the friends that you have because you have children the same age and you are thrown together in the ballet waiting room or the side of the baseball field... no, I am talking about those friends that you can call in the middle of the night and say "I think I may have just shit my pants." and they will calmly and evenly respond, "Well... do you have your good panties on and did you have corn for dinner?" and then you respond, "No-I think someone is in my backyard about to come in and kill and rape me-I just know it..." and they will say, "Are we talking Ted Bundy-good looking-killer or Charles Manson-holy hells bells ugly-killer?" and eventually you are in a discussion about Lifetime movies and whether or not you should wax or shave your unmentionables and you have forgotten about the frightening person on your back deck that does not exist.

I have made mention before that I have a very small circle of friends that I consider my true blues. You know who you are... and I love you, but today I am going to talk about my friend Lisa.

Lisa is my soul twin-no lying on this one. We get each other and there is something so cerebrally satisfying to know that there is actually another person in this world that thinks the same warped things that you do about many quirky habits.

The funny thing about Lisa is that as much as we are alike, we are polar opposites... for instance, she has great big titties, and I don't. She is a liberal, and I am not. She may or may not believe in God, and God is the reason I get up every morning and sift through this life. She has brown hair, I have blonde. She is short, I am tall. She is funny... oh wait-we do have that in common.
We are both health nuts... I am a vegetarian-but Lisa is a carnivore. Lisa only buys organics at Whole Foods and then I bust her by calling her in the middle of the day and listening to her talk through mouthfuls of food and I say "What are you eating?" and she will say "Shut up, leave me alone." and I'll say "Step away from the Suzie-Q!" Thank goodness we both agree that alcohol is good for you... but you should never drink Heineken because it is the only beer with formaldehyde in it, unless of course it is the beer on special for $1.00, but thankfully, that is usually a crappy Bud Lite so we are safe.

Why am I thankful for Lisa? Because she refuses to let me sulk in my bad moods. She insists I get up off of my rear and sweat my urine through my skin in yoga class. She drags me out of my doldrums and listens to me, gives me a hug, smacks me on the ass and says "Go forth and be happy young grasshopper."

She also has a stocked liquor cabinet. Sweet.

Everyone should have a Lisa like my Lisa in their life. A friend that will keep calling you even when you don't return phone calls for six months and say "Hey! Let's go out and get so drunk we get in a fight, puke and eventually wonder how we traded clothes in the middle of the night."

I hope you have a Lisa. A person who can look at you and know your faults and love you in spite of them-or rather... love you even more because of them.


wankette said...

I always, ALWAYS love reading about other people's best friends, because it makes me think of mine. Lovely post.

Anonymous said...

Everyone needs a Lisa- girls need their true girlfriend(s). Great post June.

Mysticmtndaisy said...

I am so flattered I guess I will have to make my adoration of you official. Sign me up!

Christine said...

You are so puking funny Jane...just love your writing.

You are lucky to have a Lisa in your life. I can tell by the kiss your friendship is real.

Cheryl said...

I do have a Lisa in my life, and a Kim. We are the three musketeers who enjoy laughing and margaritas. :-)

Anonymous said...

Miss Cleaver,
Nice to have a tight buddy, brother in crime. How's that saying go....a true friend will come bail you out of jail in the middle of the night....& then help you bury the body. Yep, Lisa looks like she knows her way around a shovel.

The Wannabe Redhead said...


I too have a "Lisa"!! I even wrote a (ridiculous) 'poem' about her over at TWR last month!

My fave saying is similar to FLYNAVY's:
"A good friend will come bail you out of jail...a BEST friend will be sitting beside you in the cell saying, "That was FRICKING AWESOME!!"

Great post!!
PS. I'm trying to work it out to get to the Glacier this weekend. It would be fun to hang!!

Anonymous said...

Miss Cleaver,
U vewwry funny ma'am, will have to get back to u on yesterday's flattering McSwoonie offer, think my wife has swallowed her gum from laughing so hard [knew I should have kept it to myself but never pass up a chance to let her know how good a catch she caught, it's the aviator training I think] & may have to do the cpr thing if she doesn't start breathing on her own soon [figure around dinner time the chillins will start asking what's wrong with mommie & where's dinner]. Ma'am you're a class A mess.
Buzzy [Mr. Sept. 07]

june the swoon said...

Buzz... now you are just being a tease by changing your pics on your myspace. Wrestling? Really? Mercy. (UMom... Wanks... Rita.... Melissa...did you see it girls?)

And it was downright cruel to put "Mr. Sept. 07" on your comment because I have spent the last hour scouring the internet for any Mr. September from 2007.

If I weren't such a lady-I would play your little game...

Good thing I am a lady.



Maria Grace said...

3 things:
1- What is that thing on Lisa's ear in the last pic?
2- You are lucky to have Lisa, I love my besties too. There is nothing like girlfriends!
3- I said a prayer and a curse for Steve, and I've been repeating the mantra to my sister constantly since reading that post. I think she secretly likes it.

june cleaver said...


those things on Lisa's ears? Those are her men-finders. Put a pair of those on and men just swarm to you. Nah-it was St. Patty's day-those are leprechaun ears.

Oh-and everyone likes to hear a "I will *blank* you up" mantra thrown at them. It makes them feel alive and ready to fight.

Ain't nothing like being ready to fight.

Layna said...

Glad to know Lisa has got you by the waistband and won't let you fall over the edge but instead enjoy the view with you. Hope you are getting better sleep. My mom was a nightowl while my dad was in Vietnam. I am thankful as now I have a lot of handwritten letters she wrote to him during those long nights. Maybe start a book for the kids? I learned a lot reading them - all G-rated of course but lots o' love in them. and bit of crazy-wife-at-home-i-hate-my-in-laws-when-are-you-coming-home chatter :-)

PS prayers & curses for Cousin Steve for the week. love to the sixpack

Melissa said...

Thanks for heads up on FLYNAVY. Think I might like to take up wrestling! I'm blushing, again!

Lt Col Ward Cleaver, USAF said...


Hey Babe, just realized that as of today we are at 99 days and a wake up! The six pack will be complete again soon enough. Kiss the babies for me, off to fly!
Love Ya, "Ward"

Layna said...

I'm so excited to see a Ward posting!!! Fly safe and those 99 days will be gone in no time. God Bless You!!!!

wankette said...

A WARD SIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[wankette faints dead away]

june cleaver said...

How do I know that is really Ward? Prove it...

Lt Col Ward Cleaver, USAF said...

Babe, come on now, really? Has 9 months been so long? OK, I can play this game. At the risk of serious injury when I return home, how about this:
June. Only the real Ward would know what you were wearing on 23 June 1990. Green skirt, white blouse, gold Shamrock earrings….Oh, lots of Irish “stuff” on this blog-- could be a lucky guess. Let’s see…Break...Break.. Do Aunt Barb and your Mom read these posts? I can’t get too personal. Only the real Ward knows how much you love being asked “Babe, how does the checkbook look today?” Hmmm, lots of people have checkbooks. Stargazer Lilies!! Our wedding flowers and the only flower Ward sends you, never roses. The movie we have seen the most together “It’s A Wonderful Life” (which BTW describes the past 16 years). I know you hate that I don’t hold your hand at the movies, you love a Big Mac when you are hung-over and you hate that I wear my wedding ring on my dog tag chain while I am deployed (cut me some slack ladies, rings just don’t mix with flying airplanes and flight line equipment). You love a guy who fights for his girl and looks into the other person’s eyes during a conversation. Your feet are ice cold at night, winter or summer and it is not that you sleep on the right or left side of the bed, but the side of the bed closest to the door. (So you can be the first one to get to the kids if they need a Mom or Dad). Anyway, I guess only Ward would know what it means when I touch my nose with my right hand as I drive away to work with you standing in the front door. Love Ward.

Anonymous said...

June-- I have a bestest friend who is actually family!! Family by marriage, but I love her so much!! Every thing that you and your bestest friend do--- we do too!!

At Bunko, we grab each other's boobs for good luck!! We didn't start off on the right foot, but through the years, we have depended on each other, and loved each other, that I can't imagine a world w/ o her.

She is who I want to be when I grow up-- she's 10 yrs younger than me!!! Love your blog, Tina

Gina said...

I just had to break my lurker status and comment that I wish everyone could be more like you and Lisa. Because the fact that you have such different beliefs about politics and religion and yet are still great friends is the way we all should be. We'd live in a much better world if more people were like you.

Anonymous said...

I've had a Becky for 33 years. Even after not speaking to her for 2 years when we were in our early 20's because I was so angry with her for dropping the charges against her boyfriend, who beat the holy crap out of her, we were able to pick up where we left off. She lives an hour away and we don't see each other often, she was able to visit yesterday.

Anonymous said...

I actually don't have a Lisa. I think I have had a couple of Lisa's during different phases of life, but now live at least 2 hours away from all of them and have kind of moved on or are in diff stages of life making any time spent together tough.

I have lived in the same mid-sized city for 16 years now and have yet to make one really good BFF-y kind of girlfriend. I am jealous of this kind of relationship and almost daily wonder why I don't have one.

Anonymous said...

Was looking for the Monday Swoon- really need it today ;)

Anonymous said...

Hello Ward,
So nice to read all the things you know about June.
Love and prayers,
Aunt Barbara

nitebyrd said...

Both you and Lisa are lucky. ;)

Soliloquy said...

I want a Lisa!!