4.30.2009

As God Is My Witness... I Will Defend The Mighty Swoon!

For those seasoned veterans of the Six-Pack, you will know who I am talking about when I say the words "Stupid Fat Hobbit."

My friend Patrick.

He is like Cousin Steve... a pain in my ass. Which by the way, Cousin Steve is feeling soooo much better-something about a med that finally worked for the big lump on top of his head. He is about 75% back to being his normal hilarious self-although last night when I called him and said "My smoke detector is beeping at me making the dog freak out and poop in the baby's room!" he said "Yeah, well I can't get my remote to work and now I have to have my wife change the channels on the TV-you think YOU got problems?"

Anyway...

For those of you who are "new" to the Six-Pack, you may not know Patrick for the simple fact that he is a lazy blogger. He never updates his blog and he seems to think there are more important things out there (like moving across the country, working, blah blah blah) than blogging.

I met Patrick when we lived in Virginia and our spouses worked together... or if you want to get technical, when his wife (Pokey) was my husband's (Ward) boss. Patrick and I met at a Christmas party where I squeezed my size 10 post baby body into a size 8 dress and he took a picture for proof and then posted it on his blog.

I know! It was horrible.

Now that I am a size 4-6 do you see any pics of me floating around his blog? Nope. Sheesh.

Anyway...

Patrick has the right combination of weirdo and smartassidry (to use one of our mascot FlyNavy's made up words) to be one of my friends. He cracks me up and the mere fact that he is a good Cat-lic boy makes him endearing.

But...

It has come to my attention that he is evil and must be destroyed.

So I must destroy him.

It was good knowing you Patrick.

I hope you don't have to spend much time in Purgatory for what you did... but if I were God.... you would be there long after I have left and entered the Pearly Gates of Heaven and you and I both know that I am going to set up shop in Purgatory-we both know that I am going to be there for so long that they may even change the name to Juneatory.

So go on over and see what Stupid Fat Hobbit did on his blog.

Go see what he thought he could get away with.

Go see the way he is showing complete and utter disrespect to the Monday Swoon-the Tuesday Tease-the Wednesday Woah-the Thursday Thicket-the Friday Fancy, the Saturday Sexy and the Sunday... wait, I don't post on Sunday.

Hmm... those are all really good names aren't they? If life ever gets too busy and I can't think of words to fill this blog-I'll just use those ideas right up there. I am so brilliant.

While you are over at Hobbit's place, tell him what a cruel person he is. He loves that kind of shit.

And then spit on the sidewalk and turn around three times, flip off your bathroom scale and say it loud and proud... "Patrick! We just F^%#ed you up!"

Defend the Swoon ladies... defend the swoon.

.

29 comments:

Maria Grace said...

that was horrendous. I am too upset right now to do any of the things you just said.
so so depressing.
that hobbit has got to go. got to go. security!!!

the Mom said...

He is an evil man. He'll be sweeping the floor and turning the lights off in Purgatory long after you are hanging out with me and the rest of the six pack in that Irish Pub in the sky.

Do you think the Big Guy would mind if we pelted him with stuff from up there? Surely not. I, for one, know that he reads your blog and likes that you appreciate the beauty of his creation, and that you are funny.

I'm off to yell at my scale this morning just 'cause you asked. I would have anyway since I'm roughly the size of a blimp, but today my scale will be named "Stupid Fat Hobbit."

wankette said...

Done.

warren said...

He gives us common folk some hope June. Sorry, but I have to support his actions!

Maria Grace said...

ok, i mustered up the strength and i commented on the Halfling's blog. what a mean mean man.

ps- June, have you ever seen Bon Qui Qui on youtube?? it is a must. she could take care of that hobbit so fast...

Anonymous said...

June,
Hobbit's blog was hilarious.
I liked his marry for love wisdom but, I warned him not to mess with our June.
Have a great day!
Aunt Barbara

TheSeeker said...

Gross gross gross.

I love the flipping off our scales idea though...gonna try that when I get home! And then eat ice cream ^_^

june "annon" cleaver said...

Aunt Barb-blood is thicker than water... and we have Irish blood so it is not only thick but it is mixed with alcohol!

Hobbit's blog was hilarious-but I'll never admit that.

Melissa said...

That was not pretty. How dare he! But I have to ask. What the hell happened to Val Kilmer?

Jenny said...

Can you speak into the "no-poo" trend that is sweeping the internet of late? I'm curious to discern your take on the eschewing of shampoo...

Stupid Fat Hobbit said...

You wimmen are so funny! First, you make fun of us men-folk for looking at Photoshopped pictures of babes in bikini's. Then you gawk at photoshopped pictures of men without shirts. THEN you have the audacity to condemn me for posting non-photoshopped pictures of the same men you're gawking at. Inconceivable! Anyway, I'm not a-scared of nobody who has to flip-off their bathroom scale.

Now, June. Just so we're clear. I am currently not in possession of any size 4-6 pictures of you that you have not already posted; however, if you have any more of you and your best friend kissing, I'd be happy to post them! I liked that one. :-P

june "eschew-what?" cleaver said...

Jenny... first of all-I had to look up what the hell "eschewing" meant. Don't you know that I write at a 6th grade level-and as far as I am concerned, "eschewing" is a college word.

Yes, I am aware that I am a college graduate-but I have nursed 4 children who have sucked my brains through my boobs and now I am left with poop for brains.

I will get to the eschewing-or, for you other six-packers who would rather drink beer than read the dictionary-the "avoidance" of shampoo some time this weekend.

I may even post pictures...

I may even give away some great shampoo!

Thanks for the idea Jenny-what would I do without your smartypantsness?

God love ya!

Stupid Fat Hobbit said...

Val Kilmer has been merged with Jeff Bridges for the foreseeable future...

june "women are beautiful" cleaver said...

Hobbit... we at the six-pack can give a hoot who you mens look at-I even did an entire mother-loving long post on females that the six-packers thought were bea-u-tiful, so your argument that we don't like photoshopped women does not hold water around here.

We like women-we ARE women, hence the manpictures that we swoon at.

And that pic of Russell Crowe cut me deep friend... Cut. Me. Deep.

Stupid Fat Hobbit said...

Yeah, well, two more months and you won't be able to tell Russell Crowe and Willie Nelson apart except that Willie is skinnier and wheres a bandana.

I notice you just skipped the part about the pictures of you...Smart, very smart...

june "speaks the truth" cleaver said...

... and besides Hobbit-I know you flip your bathroom scale off. Don't deny it.

june "Gladiator lover" cleaver said...

no-Willie was never good looking... he would have never made a Monday Swoon.

Russell Crowe-he is a secret swoon-but I may just make him a main event now.

Sigh.

And I have no idea what you are talking about when you speak of "pictures"

what are pictures?

Stupid Fat Hobbit said...

I just got a bathroom, how do you expect me to have a bathroom scale.

I'm waiting...pictures, June, pictures...

Anonymous said...

June vs Hobbit
hahaha!
AB

FLYNAVY said...

Awwwww Iceman, say it's ain't so....Mr Hobbit/fobbit [ask Mr Cleaver what a fobbit is, it's pretty bad] this is sacrilege of a Topgun American Icon, my childhood hero, the reason I suffered thru 4yrs @ the USNA & yrs of flight training @ taxpayer xpense, so I could grow up to be buzzcut cool like the Iceman [always felt the Mav was sorta ghey & short for a NFO]. Course I guess I've gained about 5 #'s since Nov08ths rotation home, from eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream every day, just because it's handy. Guess they'll be changing my callsign from Buzzy to Fatty any day now. Think I'll take the rest of the afternoon off & hit the gym for a coupla hrs ..... & the DQ on the way home.
As my Dad [who still works out everyday] says, "the option to getting older isn't real good".
& Miss Cleaver, need intel on this 4-6 swimsuit....just for the greenie board, figure on putting it next to the yoga 1.
Fetthaltig [Danish for Fatty]

FLYNAVY said...

& Miss Cleaver, tell Mr Fobbitboy, average cruising airspeed velocity of an unladen Swallow is roughly 11meters per second, or 24 miles an hour. [laden somewhat slower] He's been working on that 1 for awhile. They give a right fair edumication @ that Naval Academy.
Fetthaltig

The Wannabe Redhead said...

Who the Hell ever said Rod Stewart was hot?

I think I'm missing something...

Christine said...

Love it. Laughed my butt off!

Phat Mama said...

How could he do that to us?

Sadist!

We must stone him.

Pierce.. my lovely Pierce. *sob*

warren said...

Oh yeah...June, you gotta check out Bon Qui Qui...it's good stuff

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZkdcYlOn5M

Sue B. said...

June, I love the swoon. Just want you to know.

Soliloquy said...

June, you know I love the Swoon. It may have taken getting over the Baptist in me, but I do so love the swoon.

That said, Stupid Fat Hobbit has a point.... those were some hideous age progressions.

(Except for my Pierce.... he totally crossed the line when he threw down those fightin' words.)

IN YOUR DEFENSE, or in a grander sense, the defense of the swoon, none of those dudes were hot to begin with.

Except for my Mr. Brosnan.

Long live the swoon.

Soliloquy said...

BTW - have you been over to read Hobbit's comments?

Your "minions" have sufficiently "F^%#ed him up".

Guess that military has worn off on you. You led us into a tactical defense and prevailed.

The Ward should be proud.

Stupid Fat Hobbit said...

Your 'minions' are so weak...You just keep posting those pictures of half-nekkid men and I'll work on the intelligent banter. I'm so glad you got me into blogging...