Warning... Husbands May Be Bad For Your Health

I must fill you in on something that I have been doing for the past 6 months or so. I have not mentioned this before because I did not want to scare you or make you say "June, you have turned out to be a tree-hugging hippy."

A while back I decided to start living healthy. I know... what a weird thing to do. Just before Carl left I made a plan that I knew would be easier to put into action with him gone versus trying to instill healthy living with him home.

I gave up meat.

There, I said it. I stopped eating cow, pig, chicken, turkey, and all other creatures. I also cut out soda-but not entirely, I could not sit at a movie theater and eat my popcorn with water could I? That would be insane, so if I am at the movies I get a soda-but that is about it.

Why did I do this? (Yes June why did you, a red-blooded conservative American, decide to go all soft and become a weirdo?) Well, I did it for my health. Honest.

I had this problem where I ate and then I pooped. I know that biologically you are supposed to poop after you eat-if you didn't you would be full of crap, but I used to eat and then have to poop almost immediately after... as in, if I were going out to dinner and then to a movie or shopping, I would have to stop by home and drop the kids off at the pool before I could go on to the next activity. I had to not eat on road trips for fear of roadside toilets. I had to scope out the bathrooms at the mall, Target, the commissary, and even places that had public restrooms within 3.5 miles of my home "just in case" I couldn't make it.

Now, you may be thinking "GROSS!" and that is so very true. It was horrible and I needed to do something about it... and that is why I cut out meat and soda (well, the soda was really just because fish and soda don't go so well together).

Let me tell you, I feel great. My skin is less oily and clear, my stomach no longer clenches and loosens until I run to a bathroom, and my pants started to fit better and then become too big until I had to go down not one, but two pant sizes! Oh-and I have not been sick and neither have my children (who have been forced to survive the test kitchen dishes like "tofu chili" and "mystery bean soup")

Then... Carl came home on leave and he wanted nothing to do with the "no meat" zone that was going on in our house. He says he will be ready to accept it when he returns in the late summer, but for these 2 weeks he wanted to eat all of the crap that he could and savor it for one last hurrah.

So I have gone along with him to restaurants and fast food establishments eating only my salads and seafood and drinking my water and I have not once wished that I could eat the same greasy burger that he was stuffing in his mouth or guzzle the gas inducing soda that he has slurped up at all... until today.

You see... I had a coupon. Damn that coupon! Damn the coupon gods! Damn it! I love to save money and if I have to eat a handmade 1/4 burger from one of our hometown favorite restaurants, well then by golly, I may just do it. It was a buy-one get-one type of coupon, so you can see how my hands were tied.

Stupid coupon!

I ate a burger today and it was delicious. No where did I ever say that I did not like meat, I just realized that it does not like me. (on the list of things that do not like me: meat, Bill Gates, my son's history teacher, and that one mean greeter at WalMart.)

Case in point... 25 minutes after eating that burger I was in the bathroom and had a headache and wanted to take a 3 hour nap to get through the rest of the day.

I suppose I had to prove it to myself that meat does not work with my inner workings, but it is still a little sad that I cannot enjoy a juicy fillet Mignon or a greasy burger... but I will go back to my soy meat and flax seed diet. *big sigh*

Too bad chocolate cake didn't make me sick, or cheesecake, or milk duds, or little Debbie cosmic brownies, or rice crispy treats, or cinnamon rolls. Living healthy would be so much easier if ALL of the good stuff made me feel the instant urge to pull over and find a hole in the ground so that I could poop.

Is this too much information? Maybe.


Denise said...

I tell myself all the time that I wish chocolate, and goodies made me sick so I would quit eating them. But they dont. And apparently Im no quitter.

Congrats on feeling better.

A Perfectly Unperfect Girl said...

Have you ever given any thought that maybe it was not the meat, per say, but the type of meat that you were eating, that was making you sick?

What I mean by that is, were you eating no hormones, no antibiotics, grain fed meat? Or even organic meat?

Those are what I have switched to and have not had an upset stomach since. Plus the added benefit, the meat just tastes better.

Don't get me wrong, it is more expensive, but worth it when you just need to have some kind of meat.

Be careful with the soy products. I have been told that soy was never meant to be digested by humans. Recently, I have also been told, by a nutritionist at a health food store, that soy is linked to breast cancer.

I did some research and decided not to introduce it into my diet. I also got my mom off the soy milk that she was using for her cereal.

Good luck with things. Congrats on the weight loss for sure.

Anonymous said...

Maybe it is the meat you are eating. The greasy fast food, the chain restaurant, and the "oh my god look how cheap" that is at the grocery store meat. When Carl comes home and wants some meat, or if you get a craving for some in the future try some "real" meat. You know grass fed free range antibiotic free beef, or chicken that lives it's life actually outside pecking around for bugs, running through the grass and breathing fresh air rather than something from Tyson.

It tastes different and affects your body different, really it does.

june cleaver said...

That is all we ever ate was organic, grass fed good ol' healthy cows. It wasn't the kind of meat that didn't like me... it was just meat in general. The cheap or the expensive.

Lorri said...

LOL...sounds like you have a case of IBS. My mom cant eat meat either. No Atkins diet for you my friend. have a great week

Catholic Audio said...

I think this is the saddest thing I've ever read. Ever.

Ellen said...

I've been a veg since age 13 and I'm no hippie-tree-hugger! Glad it's working for you, too!

Curious Mind said...

I have often contemplated ditching meat, but the hubby would never stand for such a thing. I completely agree husbands are bad for your health. Thank you for writing such an entertaining blog.

Krystle said...


You are so damn funny!
I'm still trying to get my mind to flip over to that side of the diet world... I want to do a cleanse, but... but... I don't know if I can really give certain things up.

Damn our bodies, and chocolate and meat, and grease and...

Krystle said...

Oh, and might I add that my husband has the SAME DAMN PROBLEM that you had prior to quit eating meat and... I'll be damned, there is nothing that drives me more insane that not being able to go out for a nice loving date night dinner, you know, with a movie or little shopping trip... because the milisecond we're finished with our meal we have to fly home so he can go to the bathroom.

And then we fight and then our whole loving date night is right down the shitter.... literally!

Anonymous said...

And I hear on the news that these days, peanut butter can make you sick. Hope they find the problem soon PB&J is a favorite of mine.
Aunt Barbara

Denn Mom said...

They should fire that mean greeter at Wal-Mart. Who ever heard of a mean Wal-Mart greeter? I mean really! And why on earth would he be mad at you?

Kayla K said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAH, HEEHEEHEEHEE, HOHOHOHOHO!!! OMG, you are too funny. And NO it's not too much information. People poop, it's a matter of existence and we all need to just get on over ourselves and discuss it from time to time. Because now I'm wondering if that is not the culprit behind my issues. I have what my family affectionately referes to as the "20-minute rule" And it means exactly what you think it means. Which makes eating out and taking road trips a real bitch sometimes. Cheers to you for figuring out what your problem was (I mean that in the nicest way possible)! Me thinks I shall have to give it a try myself...

Melissa said...

Have you let the pit hair go to? Are you wearing flowy skirts and birkenstocks? Let's hope not. Especially since you are working the size 6! Keep up the good work!

Sister Mary Martha said...

If you stay off meat for a long long time you will throw up the next time you eat it or if the thing you are eating has any meat in it..as in the lard or beef stock, etc.

Floyd R. Turbo said...

If we're so bad for your health then why do we always die first? Has the government done any research into this black widow phenomenon? Hmmm... Wives are the dangerous ones it seems to me.

june said...

Melissa... ugh, pit hair. I still shave it, but I may lazer those little suckers right off, around the same time I get my eyelash extentions and airbrushed tan. I may eat healthy, but I am not a health nut. HA!

and Floyd, you men die first because you always follow your own agenda and sometimes, your agenda is not the best thing for you.

I'm just sayin'

Anonymous said...

I an with Aunt Barbara on the PB&J
I had PB on bread dunked in homemade Bean soup tonight for dinner. It was soooooo good!
I know what you mean with a stop at every bathroom after you eat. I was surprised to learn that I is meat that was doing it. I thought it was a loss 10 years ago of 30 inches of the small intestine. HA!
Aunt Juice

Melissa said...

Let me know when you go in for the eyelash extension because I could use a little botox between the brows! And about the pit hair, let's be honest. When our honey is TDY do we really shave everyday?????

Mr_Magoo said...

I felt better on the Atkins Diet and my "gas expulsion" went way down (just ask the wife). I assumed it was from removing the carb/protein combination Atkins discusses. I am much more "bloated" with the carbs. Went from 210 to 165 and then started craving a bowl of cereal. That did it. I was toast! Hmm. Toast. Gotta go...

Denn Mom said...

June, I am so glad you shared too much information here (I found this post again by doing a search on the word "poop" on your blog. Too funny.) I read this post back in January and it (along with reading about the Mediterranean diet in some magazine) inspired me to start eating healthier... I didn't have the poop problems you did but I wanted to lose weight -- you lost two pants sizes in six months? I wanted to do that! Well, here I am 4 months later, two pants sizes leaner and 20 pounds lighter! I know you probably would've been prouder if I had said I read one of your posts and started putting more beer into my body... so sorry. But I just had to say thanks for the inspiration!
God bless,