Okay, so I know you all think that my husband is a great guy and all (I am talking to you mother, Aunt Barb and Cousin Steve), and believe me, there is no one on God's great earth that does not think he is a greater guy than I do (not even his mother!)... but he has been home for a little over a week now and it was bound to happen. I knew this would happen. I have been waiting for this to happen.
HE IS DRIVING ME FREAKIN' CRAZY!
Okay... I feel better now. Phew.
Let me explain.
I am an independent woman-he has made me this way with this career path that he chose-but he really likes to think of me as a frail, timid, dependant little woman that needs to be told what to do, how to do it, and if it is being done correctly or not.
I don't really think he thinks of me this way, because he has known me for 18 years... maybe he just wishes I was a little more timid and dependant upon him than I seem.
He is also a very jealous person-not in the terms of "did you look at that guy over there" (which is the kind of jealous that I am... I need to know what all of the girls that work within a 3 mile radius of him look like-I can't help it.) He is more of an "attention" jealous person. If my sister calls and he is watching television and the phone call takes me into another room where he cannot see me for more than 5 minutes, he comes looking for me and starts making those hand motions that mean "will you hurry up and get off the phone?" or if the neighbor catches me on the way back from the mailbox and we have a chat about the gang of pesky adolescents that seem to organize and plot anarchy down at the park, he will peek his head out of the window no less than 25 times making sure that I do not get into a passing car and drive away from him and never come back.
Seriously... he has always been like this. Maybe not so bad-but close. Very close.
He also has his own agenda... by this I mean that he, like all men, have their own agenda. You know what I am talking about ladies. It is the schedule that a man keeps that only includes himself. The schedule a woman keeps includes her children, the dog, her mother-in-law, the dentist, the pediatrician, the butcher, the mailman, the principal, the neighbor and the occasional car mechanic... no where in a woman's schedule does it include herself.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am fully aware that everything my husband does is for the greater good of our family. Every decision he makes impacts all of us greatly, so we better go along with his plan right? Because he is doing it for us after all, and if he were writing this blog I am sure he would say that he only goes along with everything that I want to do-regardless of what he wants, because he is a giver, always giving giving giving. Which are all valid points, except for the fact that he has his own agenda.
Case in point:
Today my husband was going on base to chat with "The Boss." While he was going to be in his "15 minutes TOPS" meeting, "we" thought it would be the perfect time for me to go to the commissary. So the days started with my husband waking me up, shuffling the kids out of the door to school, getting me in and out of a shower and asking me just how much longer until I was ready and then driving me (in MY minivan-the one with the vanity plate that has MY name on it) to base and dropping me and the baby off at the co-misery. I stood at the entrance and watched him drive away, wondering just when I reverted back to the 1950's.
Shopping took me all of 25 minutes because any mother knows that shopping with a 20 month old is much like trying to hang wallpaper before the glue dries, you have to do it fast and steady. Anything past 25 minutes and the baby goes into hyperactive shock and if you are only in the bread aisle when this happens... God help you.
My husband was supposed to finish his "15 minutes I swear!" meeting and meet me to help with the shopping (because remember, this is the 1950's and I need help writing a check to pay the bill). 25 minutes and no husband.
I could not check out because I did not have the coupons. "I'll keep the coupons babe and just meet you there... in 15 minutes!" I love to save money and I'd be damned if I was going to miss out on $4.25 savings because I could not wait for my husband to finish his 15 minute meeting and meet me.
30 minutes and no husband....
40 minutes and no husband....
So I stood as close to the entry of the co-misery waiting... with a 20 month old child who no longer wanted to be locked in the seat of the cart and no longer wanted to be held and no longer wanted to sit quietly but only wanted to writhe and scream and yell "NO NO NO" while she shoved her hands down my shirt because just watching the old people walk past her with looks of pity for her were not enough, she had to embarrass me beyond belief by showing them all my pretty beige bra!
50 minutes and no husband...
Have I mentioned before that I have no patience? Well... I don't. I have no patience at all, and if I am ticked off, I don't even know how to spell patience let along hum the tune by Guns and Roses.
I was also getting very angry... in a few minutes I would be getting mad-as in-foaming at the mouth and biting the next old man that looked at my daughter and laughed and said "Did Mommy pinch you little one?"
60 minutes and no husband...
This is around the time that I started thinking of his agenda. I started imagining him socializing and laughing with people he hadn't seen in 5 months while I sat at the co-misery waiting for him with my butter pecan ice cream melting on top of my Doritos!
My husband is a social guy. You would not know it by looking at him, actually you would think that it was me who was the social one in our duo, but it is him. He loves to chat with people and listen to their stories and joke around... I can't stand that type of crap because I do not have any patience and therefore I cannot stand small talk.
So I knew he was off probably chatting with some female about the weather (see, I told you I was jealous) and I was standing in the entry way of the co-misery with my baby's head spinning around while she vomited.
I thought of ditching the entire shopping ordeal and calling a cab to take me home and then changing the locks on all of the doors, but I remembered that I did not have a baby car seat so that evil plan was thwarted by the man who would rather me be stranded at the co-misery with a screaming toddler, and if he had his way I would be pregnant and barefoot at the store as well without a vehicle so that I was completely and utterly at the mercy of his assistance!
Do you see the way my mind works?
I can't help that I like to be independent and for a few hours this morning I was the furthest thing from independent... I was helpless and stranded.
and I was mad.
Eventually he made it there... and he knew by just one look that he was going to have to "deal" with me. My husband is an expert at "dealing" with me-he has known me for 18 years and has "dealt" with many of my Sybil personalities, and somehow he has survived so don't feel sorry for him. It was him that left me stranded at the co-misery remember? REMEMBER?
But he looked so good in his uniform that I quickly forgave him and he bought me lunch.
I know, I am weak. I couldn't help it, it was the 1950's fault.