1.13.2009

Just Hear Me Out...

Okay, so I know you all think that my husband is a great guy and all (I am talking to you mother, Aunt Barb and Cousin Steve), and believe me, there is no one on God's great earth that does not think he is a greater guy than I do (not even his mother!)... but he has been home for a little over a week now and it was bound to happen. I knew this would happen. I have been waiting for this to happen.


HE IS DRIVING ME FREAKIN' CRAZY!


Okay... I feel better now. Phew.


Let me explain.


I am an independent woman-he has made me this way with this career path that he chose-but he really likes to think of me as a frail, timid, dependant little woman that needs to be told what to do, how to do it, and if it is being done correctly or not.


ugh.


I don't really think he thinks of me this way, because he has known me for 18 years... maybe he just wishes I was a little more timid and dependant upon him than I seem.


He is also a very jealous person-not in the terms of "did you look at that guy over there" (which is the kind of jealous that I am... I need to know what all of the girls that work within a 3 mile radius of him look like-I can't help it.) He is more of an "attention" jealous person. If my sister calls and he is watching television and the phone call takes me into another room where he cannot see me for more than 5 minutes, he comes looking for me and starts making those hand motions that mean "will you hurry up and get off the phone?" or if the neighbor catches me on the way back from the mailbox and we have a chat about the gang of pesky adolescents that seem to organize and plot anarchy down at the park, he will peek his head out of the window no less than 25 times making sure that I do not get into a passing car and drive away from him and never come back.


Seriously... he has always been like this. Maybe not so bad-but close. Very close.

He also has his own agenda... by this I mean that he, like all men, have their own agenda. You know what I am talking about ladies. It is the schedule that a man keeps that only includes himself. The schedule a woman keeps includes her children, the dog, her mother-in-law, the dentist, the pediatrician, the butcher, the mailman, the principal, the neighbor and the occasional car mechanic... no where in a woman's schedule does it include herself.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am fully aware that everything my husband does is for the greater good of our family. Every decision he makes impacts all of us greatly, so we better go along with his plan right? Because he is doing it for us after all, and if he were writing this blog I am sure he would say that he only goes along with everything that I want to do-regardless of what he wants, because he is a giver, always giving giving giving. Which are all valid points, except for the fact that he has his own agenda.

Case in point:

Today my husband was going on base to chat with "The Boss." While he was going to be in his "15 minutes TOPS" meeting, "we" thought it would be the perfect time for me to go to the commissary. So the days started with my husband waking me up, shuffling the kids out of the door to school, getting me in and out of a shower and asking me just how much longer until I was ready and then driving me (in MY minivan-the one with the vanity plate that has MY name on it) to base and dropping me and the baby off at the co-misery. I stood at the entrance and watched him drive away, wondering just when I reverted back to the 1950's.

Shopping took me all of 25 minutes because any mother knows that shopping with a 20 month old is much like trying to hang wallpaper before the glue dries, you have to do it fast and steady. Anything past 25 minutes and the baby goes into hyperactive shock and if you are only in the bread aisle when this happens... God help you.

My husband was supposed to finish his "15 minutes I swear!" meeting and meet me to help with the shopping (because remember, this is the 1950's and I need help writing a check to pay the bill). 25 minutes and no husband.

I could not check out because I did not have the coupons. "I'll keep the coupons babe and just meet you there... in 15 minutes!" I love to save money and I'd be damned if I was going to miss out on $4.25 savings because I could not wait for my husband to finish his 15 minute meeting and meet me.

30 minutes and no husband....

40 minutes and no husband....

So I stood as close to the entry of the co-misery waiting... with a 20 month old child who no longer wanted to be locked in the seat of the cart and no longer wanted to be held and no longer wanted to sit quietly but only wanted to writhe and scream and yell "NO NO NO" while she shoved her hands down my shirt because just watching the old people walk past her with looks of pity for her were not enough, she had to embarrass me beyond belief by showing them all my pretty beige bra!

50 minutes and no husband...

Have I mentioned before that I have no patience? Well... I don't. I have no patience at all, and if I am ticked off, I don't even know how to spell patience let along hum the tune by Guns and Roses.

I was also getting very angry... in a few minutes I would be getting mad-as in-foaming at the mouth and biting the next old man that looked at my daughter and laughed and said "Did Mommy pinch you little one?"

60 minutes and no husband...

This is around the time that I started thinking of his agenda. I started imagining him socializing and laughing with people he hadn't seen in 5 months while I sat at the co-misery waiting for him with my butter pecan ice cream melting on top of my Doritos!

My husband is a social guy. You would not know it by looking at him, actually you would think that it was me who was the social one in our duo, but it is him. He loves to chat with people and listen to their stories and joke around... I can't stand that type of crap because I do not have any patience and therefore I cannot stand small talk.

So I knew he was off probably chatting with some female about the weather (see, I told you I was jealous) and I was standing in the entry way of the co-misery with my baby's head spinning around while she vomited.

I thought of ditching the entire shopping ordeal and calling a cab to take me home and then changing the locks on all of the doors, but I remembered that I did not have a baby car seat so that evil plan was thwarted by the man who would rather me be stranded at the co-misery with a screaming toddler, and if he had his way I would be pregnant and barefoot at the store as well without a vehicle so that I was completely and utterly at the mercy of his assistance!

Do you see the way my mind works?

I can't help that I like to be independent and for a few hours this morning I was the furthest thing from independent... I was helpless and stranded.

and I was mad.

Eventually he made it there... and he knew by just one look that he was going to have to "deal" with me. My husband is an expert at "dealing" with me-he has known me for 18 years and has "dealt" with many of my Sybil personalities, and somehow he has survived so don't feel sorry for him. It was him that left me stranded at the co-misery remember? REMEMBER?

But he looked so good in his uniform that I quickly forgave him and he bought me lunch.

I know, I am weak. I couldn't help it, it was the 1950's fault.

30 comments:

Stupid Fat Hobbit said...

Hmmm, I can't decide if this sucks or not...Did he at least say he was sorry and tell you that he had to change a flat without a lug wrench, both ways? I'm just wondering if the excuse was good enough...I'd tell you to look on the bright side, that you'll be independent enough in another week but that would be cruel, maybe.

Please, enjoy the next week and let him know he's loved. We'll keep praying for you all...

Sagey said...

Oh Juney, it was all your fault really. You were the one that believed he would really be done in 15 minutes!!! Never ever let a man leave you at the co-misery. You leave him at his meeting so you can sit outside the office when you are done and honk the horn over and over again! ;-)

Enbrethiliel said...

+JMJ+

I do feel bad for you, June, but this is the funniest thing I've read in a week. =D

Not just funny, but also educational. I feel wiser after reading it. A man and his agenda? So that is what I was dealing with the other day . . . What would I do without you to explain the mysterious workings of men to me???

Anonymous said...

I had to laugh because I just had the conversation with my husband this week about the 'husband schedule'. After knowing my husband for 20 years, I have learned he has a complete inability to estimate time. Whatever time estimate he gives me, I automatically double it. If he has to accomplish more than one task, it's tripled. So the 15 minute trip would be 30, minimum.

Shannon said...

Are we married to the same man? You just described my husband (and myself) to a 'T'.

David M said...

The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the blog post From the Front: 01/14/2009 News and Personal dispatches from the front and the home front.

Jud said...

Your husband sounds like a really neat guy, and yes, being social and home from a foreign tour I am sure there was lots of handshaking, questions about current events there, the status of the mission etc.

That said, my wife is the social creature on my team, and I have long ago learned to keep a paperback handy when travelling with her. (I understand that would not help whilst shopping with a young'un, but whatever).

TheFiveDays said...

I would be sooooo angry! I've got an almost 18-month-old so I can totally relate to being stuck somewhere while she went into meltdown overdrive. AAaaaaaaaaaargh.

That being said, you always have the knack for making me laugh in the morning! Thanks!

Out on a Limb said...

Holy smokes! I swear you described my husband to a tee. Even the being attached thing. Does Carl drive you crazy at night? Every time I roll over I get the third degree...even if it's 3am, "Are you ok? Where are you going? Do you need something?" I just want to punch him every stinking night...lol. He used to teach a lot of classes for churches and it would take up his entire Saturdays. The classes would go from like 9-12 but I knew not to expect him until at least 3pm because he'd have to stay and BS and network until his heart is content. It used to make me SO mad! I hate being stuck at home with five kids on a Saturday, I can't imagine being stuck in a store. I would have been seething.

I do have a friend who sends her husband nasty text messages when he's been gone too long. You can always tell when the church elder meeting is going on too long because he keeps looking at his phone and then abruptly leaves...lol. I don't have the nerve for that yet.

Floyd R. Turbo said...

What's the big deal? We've got things to do. Our agenda is "our" agenda after all. Right? ;-)

june cleaver said...

Hey Floyd, if you can fit it into your agenda, can you see why I am unable to comment on Threedonia? Am I spam to you?

sheesh...

seriously, I have not been able to comment.

Janeabelle said...

So completely my life! I'm exactly the way you described yourself waiting at the grocery, the husband agenda, all of it! Awesome.

I've missed your posts, hope you're enjoying your man, even if he's annoying (they all are).

Domestically Disabled Girl said...

My husband is the same. Give him the chance and he will be at the state fair telling a complete stranger about his grandpa's tractor collection. Beginning from the early '80's. Meanwhile? I have 2 mad children who are ready to move on and I am about to blow my stack.
I have to forgive him though, when I go into a store, I might not emerge for hours. And I don't think he is falling for my "The Lines Were Super Duper, Uber Long" excuse any longer.

Troy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Floyd R. Turbo said...

June,

I'll look into it -- say in about 15 minutes? :-) We just pumped up our spam filter so maybe you're getting caught up in it? I'll check and see.

Urban Mom said...

OMG, U-Dad is the same way! That first week in June when he is out of school, I have to tell him over and over how grateful I am for all of his precious input, how it's nothing short of a miracle that the U-Kids have lived to see the end of each day while in my care. And you're right -- they're own agenda. I wake up with one plan, he wakes up with another. They are never the same. And he assumes that his will take priority. Honestly, is there a handbook that they all get?

Come visit Chicago someday, sistah. I need to buy you an adult beverage!

=-)

Urban Mom said...

Ooops, I mean THEIR own agenday. Oh yeah, I'm qualified to homeschool....

hee hee

My Family said...

OH my does this bring back memories of years past in the military. 23 years!! and several deployments.
You love your soldier so much but at the same time they will drive you absolutely out of your cotton picken mind!!
I have never heard the commisary called the co-misery! that was just too funny!! just too funny!!!

Sarah said...

3 days max and I'm ready to yell "Go back to work!" Especially when he starts giving me "helpful" household advice...like he would know!!! Love your blog...you are a funny girl!

Stiletto Reflections said...

Oh man, I'm sorry, but I LMAO reading this. You are a great teller, I could totally imagine you there spitting nails. Doh!!

june cleaver said...

You all crack me up... who knew men were so selfish. I would have never thought it was an epidemic!

Amazing...

ahem.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

First, of all the people the new, Threedonian spam filter has to sleight it's June?! I've put Floyd on double, secret probation.

B. Once again you give me more insight into my wife than I have been able to garner in 18 years of marriage. She gets so irritated when I take off on my own. She calls it "me time." "So, did you need a little 'me time?!'"

III. Some advice for Carl: Very early on Mrs. Firefly came up with an ingenious rule; if either party lives the house without the other party the departing party has to have at least one child with them. Once she told me that I've been golden. I don't mind having kids along, and don't tell this to the mothers, but kids don't behave poorly when they are alone with their fathers. They only do that when they are with their mothers. So, when it's "me time" I just grab a few Little Fireflies and head for the door. They're thrilled to be with their dad and away from the crazy, red-headed lady with the raging hormones, she's thrilled to be childless, and I basically get to do whatever I want because I'm still bigger than the Little Fireflies and they don't dare complain.

scmom (Barbara) said...

Independent women unite! (well, at least once a month or something.) Great post. We should be neighbors.

Anonymous said...

June,
LOL, LOL, LOL
That was a great post. I just knew a great post whould build up in you until you had to blog it out.
I was laughing until you mentioned the butter pecan ice cream melting on the doritos. That would be the last straw for me. I take my butter pecan ice cream very serious! SERIOUSLY, I do!
Co-misery, very funny.
My hat is off to Firefly. He is a very smart guy. He has figured out how to follow his agenda and make the wife happy at the same time. PRICELESS!
I mentioned to my husband of 42yrs. that I need to purchase a shovel for the office. He thought it was a great idea and then proceeded to tell me how I should shovel the snow...too funny!
Today is his 72nd b-day. Last night I bought a couple of steaks to broil and baked his favorite pineapple upside down cake. Oh, and I bought a bottle of wine.
He is already having a great b-day.
Making each other happy, that's what we do.
June, thanks for he great laught. Give Carl and hug and a kiss from me.
Love,
Aunt Barbara

Anonymous said...

I definitely related to your post, June. The whole watching you through the curtains while chatting with the neighbor. Someone else commented about "getting the third degree" in the middle of the night. Ugh. As a young woman I longed for that kind of attention. Now, it just drives me NUTZ! But I console myself in that at least he's here and not out looking for attention somewhere else.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Aunt Barbara,

Your story made my day. It sounds like you and your husband have a wonderful marriage! Happy Birthday to your husband (Uncle Barbara?)!!

june cleaver said...

Yes, I have an Uncle Barbara... my mother calls him Donald though-I don't know WHERE she came up with THAT name!

Happy B-day to you Uncle Barb-I love you... I recently told Heather that her dad (Unto Chut) was my fav. uncle, but then I told her not to tell Uncle Harold because he gets so jealous (that Uncle Harold is so hard to please... I don't know how Aunt Judi (with an "i") puts up with him.) haha.

Anyway, Heather said she wouldn't tell Uncle Harold, but she was sure to tell Uncle Barb!

Uncle Barb has always been my favorite though... honest. It was the white t-shirt and Levi's that won me over as a child.

Have a great night!

Oh, and Rufus... I wouldn't tell your angelic wife that the kids are well behaved in your presence. They are young, give those little girls a chance to have you tightly wrapped before they put you through hell. Just ask Carl-he has a 14 year old daughter and he doesn't know whether to wind his butt or scratch his watch.

But you keep on believing that you have some sort of super dad powers.

Good luck with that.

*wink*

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Oh, the whole Firefly family knows that my daughter, the Littlest Firefly, has me completely bamboozled. When my sons ask why she gets things they never got at the same age (like new clothes, food, shelter) I look them straight in the eye and say, "it's because I like her better than you'se."

Anonymous said...

June,
I read you great blog. You are such a girl. Your Uncle Barb is 5 years and 5 days older than myself. I won't tell Uncle Harold who your favorite is because he thought he was the one.
Aunt Judi or Aunt Juice.

june cleaver said...

Aunt Juice-Uncle Harold is my favorite. Just between you and me. :)

How could he not be?