Well, 2009 hit me with a virus that is costing me $300 to repair. That is right... the Universe hates me, and so does Bill Gates.
I freaked out a little because the laptop that I use is my baby, I love it more than our dog and I have actually left it a little money in my will. It has pictures, personal info, my game plan on how I will one day rule the world... and my book, the labor of love that I have been slaving over joyfully for the past 2 months is on that computer.
Don't worry, I know how to back up. Beep. Beep. Beep.
I knew I had a virus because my computer started doing strange things like flipping me off and telling me that I was fat.
So I got dressed and laced up my black converse tennis shoes and headed over to the Geek Squad. I chose the converse tennis shoes because I know how much geeks like a girl in canvas shoes with genuine rubber soles. I also donned my pocket protector and unbutton the top 3 buttons of my blouse... I figure if they didn't pay attention to my saggy boobs, the pocket protector would win them over and I would have a virus free computer in no time.
I approached the Geek Squad counter and met "Sam," the geek that would restore my life and eventually end up on June Cleaver's swoon worthy list of 2009. He had a faux hawk and black converse tennis shoes. I was so in.
Sam punched a few buttons and told me that he was going to run an analysis of my system and that it would take up to 15 minutes. He suggested that I browse the store and I did just that... I walked directly over to the computer aisle and guess what? You can buy a brand new, virus free, laptop at Best Buy for $498 this week. What a deal! I started thinking that I should just buy a new computer versus spending $300 on fixing the old one.
I was not sure what Carl would do in this situation and I could not just pick up my cell phone and call him so I did the next best thing... I called his twin brother. Shannon, my favorite sister-in-law answered and I told her what was going on and what I was thinking of doing. She casually mentioned that she was putting me on speaker phone and I continued my conversation with her. She asked if there was anything on the computer that was important, and although the answer to that question is YES!, everything has been backed up and I had the little stick with my life's fortune safely in the back pocket of my blue jeans. I did mention that I had a few nude pictures of myself on the computer and then Shannon reminded me that I was on speaker and my brother-in-law got up and left the room.
I am kidding about the nude pictures... I am a kidder... I like to kid.
So I walked back to Sam ready to tell him that I would like to just buy a new computer when he said:
"Uhm ma'am I would not get rid of this computer. There is not one laptop that we carry that can rival what you already have. Trust me."
I am thinking that Sam found my nude pictures during his "analysis" of the computer. (Again... I am kidding!)
So I made him sign an oath to me that he would clean my computer and make it run faster and perform better or he would have to cut his hair into a normal haircut for a normal adult male. He didn't think I was so funny when I made fun of his hair, but I reassured him that I thought he could make my computer into the six million dollar man and he smiled his geek smile and said, "I will do what I can."
I came home and ripped open the computer box that I had purchased for my children on Black Friday and started plugging things in outlets and praying that I could get to my bank account and to hulu.com and vuala, I had lift off.
So now I am coming to you on a Wal-Mart $350 special and it smells just like a new car. I won't have my beloved for another 3-5 days. Sam the geek first tried to tell me that he may not be able to get it back to me for seven days, but I just curled my hair in my finger and adjusted my pocket protector and he agreed to six day, maybe five, possibly four, and then Okay... three.
This virus was called "Antivirus 2009" and it kept popping up telling me that my computer was at risk and that I needed to download their software. I never downloaded anything, and I never clicked for more information, I just clicked the cancel button and it still made it's way through my government "lowest bidder" virus protector that I had on the laptop.
I blame Obama.