1.03.2009

June Cleaver, President of the Mature Boobies Club...

This post is strictly for the members of the mature boobies club. If you do not have mature boobies... or if you do not have boobies at all (I am talking to you my 5 male readers) then you should just stop reading right now and go do something productive like put together a bird house or finish your high school essay on the Death of a Salesman.

Anyway...

Carl called yesterday to tell me that he was getting ready to board his flight to here and there and eventually over yonder which would bring him hither and near until he would finally be landing here in Omahaheho. When he told me he was a mere 55 hours away from being home I said "I don't think you should come. Seriously, something has happened to my body and I may just disgust you completely. It is better that you remember me as you have been in the last 5 months-like the 18 year old fresh face that you met so long ago. This is the way it has to be."

He said "Okay Sybil, see you in a few days."

I tell ya ladies... youth is wasted on the youth. I stood in front of the mirror the other day after my shower and I did not recognize the body in front of me. It is not very often I look at myself in the mirror because I usually have an audience in the bathroom which consists of a dog with horrible nasal problems, a baby that needs to shower with me because if I don't keep her in my sights at all times she will set the house on fire and somehow call child protective services, and the occasional 5-year-old that is asking for a snack. I have no doubt you know exactly what I am talking about. Me naked is something that only happens for approximately 3.5 minutes a day-and that is pushing my privacy allowance.

So there I was, taking inventory of my parts when I realized that I have saddlebags, a stomach that looks like a sharpay puppy is curled up on it and two socks for boobs. Yep... and these aren't even anklet socks, no these are knee highs. It is deplorable.

I have been working very hard to get myself back in shape and I am at the exact same weight I was when I got pregnant with Mary-which means I only need to lose the weight I gained from Hope, Aaron and Emma-but somehow my body does not look the way it did before I had Mary. Before Mary I was feeling good about myself, and obviously Carl was too since we got pregnant.

So what happened? Is this a cruel cruel joke? Why is it that women give and give their entire lives and end up with a saggy droopy body that needs Lycra, push up bras and a lot of alcohol in order to look and feel normal.

What a freakin' jip.

I saw the trailer for that movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and let me tell you, it got me thinking. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could enter this world with old saggy bodies and leave it with young perky vivacious bodies? Wouldn't it be nice to not have to spend $10,000 at the plastic surgeon for a pair of ha-ha's that we had when we were 18? Why do I need to buy back my boobs?

I am frustrated... irritated... and I am seriously shaking my fist at gravity! I am here to say that I want my boobs back! I don't know where they went and I was young and dumb when I had all the good parts and I didn't even know how to use them to my fullest advantage. I mean, imagine how easy life would be if I had the body I had when I was 21 and the smarts I have now. Phew-women could rule the world if that were the case.

And the kicker is that I just spent $200 at Victoria's Secret on new bras that make me look amazing... fabulous... incredible with clothes on, but the moment I unhook that sucker, you can hear those boobs fall like a sonic boom. What good is looking good in your clothes if you look like an 80 year old naked?

I need to tell Carl that we don't need to pay off our house or save for the kids college... we need to go buy me some boobs! I do not want socks with rocks anymore.

Thank you for listening... this meeting of the mature boobies club is adjourned.

Don't forget to attend the meeting tomorrow for women whose legs no longer go up to their butt, but now their butt travels down to their legs. See you there!

37 comments:

Kimberly said...

HAHAHAHA.

Snort.

Ok, that made me laugh. Which is good, makes the contractions harder.

Denise said...

Count me in...I have saggy boobies and a butt that is trying hard to touch my knees.

Im sure your hubby will love your saggy boobs when he gets back :-) and if not, you can always smack him with one of them.

GroovyVic said...

Yeah, my funbags sag, but somehow my rear end has gotten all the fat.

mare said...

Welcome to the club, sister!

I used to be kind of hot. No, seriously. Now I just look gross. WTH happened? Let me know when you find out.

mare said...

Oh, and be sure to thank God every night (like I do) that your husband still finds you very attractive. Go figure. Ha ha a pun. Lame.

Laughter keeps the tears away.

CJ said...

Boobies...what boobies? I've never had them, except when I was nursing. And now...it's the last place I gain weight and the first place I lose it! (Needless to say it's time to lose them again;)

Christine said...

I totally agree. One day all of us will be blessed to wake up and say...Oh MY I am alive...ugly....but alive!

angie a in mo said...

This cracked me up! And you didn't even mention how completely awesome the boobs look naked when you bend over forward. Golf balls inside pantyhose anyone? I don't want bigger or smaller anything. I just want things back in their correct, God-intended places!

(Keri) Auburn Gal Always said...

You've written some good stuff. Funny and sentimental and sad and swoon-related. But this is my favorite.

Could I be the president of the Anklet-sized-filled-with-lentils chapter?

Last year, I considered a boob job. Even asked a friend about the surgeon who did hers - 12 years ago.

Then I found the fake boobies in Wal-mart for $5 and I'm now a firm, perky, full C-cup.

$5!!!

The Mighty Hunter calls them "LIARS!!!" But my clothes fit and people no longer notice what color my beautiful eyes are.

Jessi said...

Ya know what my favorite is? When my "collective C's" (if you let em hang you can't see them but if you break out the nylon and underwire there is a C cup hiding in there) are hanging loose and there is that sound of skin hitting skin when I jump or move faster than a granny crawl. Makes me feel all sexy inside.
What's even better is when your kids HEAR that skin flap and ask how you made that noise.

ame i. said...

Ah, the sound and the feeling of my ladies being released from the bra and the end of the evening.
C almost D cup for me. They fed 2 daughters for over 8 months with each girl. I would like to have them lifted back up to where they belong, but I'm not willing to go under to do it.

Anonymous said...

Hi Cris,

Nothing is more devastating than losing your body..I know..3 cesearans (don't know if i spelled that right:) later, ahh who cares anyway, but the absolute kicker for me was giving my new 36C bras to my 17yr old daughter, all because I couldn't fill them out anymore. Now she looks hot and well I just look like a flat chested, deflated, whatever....Now I notice when others look at my eyes:) Hey, you take what you can get right? Great post!

TRO said...

You gals are too critical . . . men may say they want em perfect but when it gets down to it, they love em the way you have em.

Stupid Fat Hobbit said...

Okay, usually I agree with TRO but that was just cruel...nothing in this post pointed to how she thought Carl would think she looks; this was personal and probably why she warned us off on the first line.

Just understand ladies that beauty really has nothing to do with body size, shape or color; how much makeup you wear or what color your hair is. Beauty comes from within and nothing you can do to or with your body can ever change that. Only truly superficial people ever miss that completely.

june cleaver said...

Hobbit, I don't think that TRO was trying to be cruel, he was trying to ease the rant of a crazy woman... which most men who are married have learned to do.

Also, it is easy for a man to say "beauty comes from within" because you are a man and who gives a crap what you all look like! I don't see photos of male celebrities plastered all over the magazines that say 20's, 30's, 40's 50's.

Yes, it is vitally important that you be a good, caring person and your inner beauty will shine though... I just would like my outer boobs to match my inner beauty.

Do I think my husband will care that I am saggy? No, I am sure he will even protest my definition of "saggy" for myself-but that does not mean that I am extremely critical of myself.

I know what my body used to be, and I know what it is now.

And why are the two of you even commenting????? I should just delete you both!

Sheesh

TRO said...

Sheesh is right . . I was trying to be lighthearted. See men can't win . . if we tell you that you are beautiful to us no matter what we still get kicked in the stomach.

I will say that if you want to look better for yourself that is great. Go for it. But if a man truly loves a woman, as I am sure Carl loves you, then it isn't going to matter a poof if your boobs sag a bit.

Sorry I intruded. It will not happen again. Delete away.

Anonymous said...

Go under! What's a little risk of death-under-anesthesia when you can come out with perky, happy boobies? They make me smile. They make my husband grin. Oh, sure, you say: what is a 52 year old woman doing with 25 year old looking ta-tas? That's so...unnatural! Yes! Yes! Yes! That's exactly what I paid for: unnatural, against nature, against gravity, against everything that is the enemy of the female body, sooner or later.

And yeah, yeah, blah, blah, beauty within, whatever...see, that beauty within is *still there* and combines with the new beauty without and well, my pair beats your full house (of grinning guys) every time.

Plastic surgery: It's a beautiful thing.

Signed,
An old bag with new bags

june cleaver said...

I sometimes forget how fragile men's feelings are...

annemcd said...

Hmmm, short term fix-- don't get naked without candlelight. Might be tough if his flight get him in at 10am, but maybe you can move the festivities to a walk in closet . . .

Side note-- I was in VS one day digging through some 38C's when a couple of nine year olds (okay, maybe 14, but they looked nine) with thier 32AAA's laughed at the size of a normal woman's bra they found in their kiddie pile. I almost took them to the carpet and explained that those of us who fit in those bras (well, me at least) do so b/c our tata's have done the unimaginable and acutally sustained several lives for several months after birth and they can take their little selves back to JC Penny's and pick up a training bra . . .


sorry. my rant. enjoy your husband's homecoming-- don't worry, he will no matter what!

TheFiveDays said...

LOL!! I just stopped nursing a couple of weeks ago and I am feeling your pain. This is the first time in 6 years I haven't been pregnant or nursing. You can imagine what state my body is in...sigh...

At least you made me laugh about it!

MKHKKH said...

Hey, at least you have rocks in your socks. I got pancakes with raisins pointing straight south. Plastic surgery is totally in my future. Just got to wean the little tike that has sucked all the life out of them!

Noob Mommy said...

Hi. My name is Noob Mommy, and I'm a member. I also happen to be a member of the Nobody-Told-Me-Your-Boobs-FREAKIN-SHRINK-After-Baby Club.

~ Straight Shooter ~ said...

Hi June. It is I, the Matron of Mature Boobie Club.
There names are Frick and Frack. They can be slung over my shoulders if I need them out of the way for my golf swing. If I chose to run (which I would never do), they would give me a black eyes. Not from the kind of bouncing I'd like to have back, more like bouncing off my enormous stomach.
I am sorry for your recent membership. But I am here for consolation if need be.

Anonymous said...

June,
Keep your sense of humor and all will be fine! I've been told that as we age our eyesignt fades and everything will equalize! ;)
Love,
Aunt Barbara

Anonymous said...

Soooo funny and true! I hate when I lie on my back my boobs fall into my armpits!

Also, that tattoo on my boob of a rose that I got when I was 26 years old is now a long stemmed tulip! Can I go get my money back?

Here is what I do to help....I never look at my boobs in a mirror unless I raise my hands over my head...it lifts them up and allows me to live in the past until my hands go numb!

Mimi said...

Ha, your commenters, (commentors?) are just as funny as you. Socks with rocks, that's me too.

I always tell my husband that I don't want to get my boobs done to get them bigger, I just want them place back where they used to be.

Cathy said...

What I want is a decent swimsuit made for women with mature boobs. I spend most of the summer at the neighborhood pool with the kids. Nuthin like sagging all summer in front of the neighbors.

Lisa said...

I never had much of a chest, but they were perky. At age 45, I have these little empty sacks. I believe the fat migrated to my thighs. It is weird how that happens...really weird.

How you look in clothes is all that matters. Yep, I tell myself that often. I might believe it one day.

Stiletto Reflections said...

HAHAHHA - well, at least you had your own boobies at one point. Some of us HAVE to buy them to get them at all, lol.

Courageous Grace said...

If it makes you feel any better, I've had the saggy boobies and falling butt since I was a teenager. Got worse after the pregnancy. :D

Kevin said...

Bodies are like fine wine...they mature with age and Real Men like 'em that way...

momto5minnies said...

Well with each minnie that I had, I lost ... now I just have minnie boobies. I think my oooommmmffffff just slid down to the sides so that I no longer have a waist and just look like a pre-adolescent who hasn't quite come into her shape yet. Unfortunately that is not the time period that I would like to witness again.

I'm thinking Carl will be too busy to look. Dim the lights ;)

TiffanyB said...

so accurate! so eloquent! a collective "amen" from all the formerly-perky-boobs-club members!!

Lela said...

I laughed so hard that my husband came over to see what was so funny. I needed that humor so badly and I'll be back for more. Enjoy this time with your hubby!

Schererville Judi said...

June,
I don't look in the mirror much any more. What do they say - Memories - Victoria Secret is my friend too.
Aunt Judi

Soliloquy said...

You are on FIRE with these posts.

I'm DYING here. DY. ING.

So much good material. Which I am both sorry about and grateful for.

Anne said...

I am a reluctant member of this club. [Sighhh.] I definitely missed the memo about how your boobs get sucked back into your body after you have a baby. I keep joking that if Flap and Jack get any smaller, I'll be concave...somehow it's not so funny anymore.

(I found you through Val's blog..."Wannabe Redhead." She's right, you're hilarious!) :)