12.05.2008

Lord Make Me A Bird...

One month from today my husband will be coming home for his 2 weeks of leave! I know-very exciting.

I have been preparing for this by making sure the checkbook is in order (and I have strategically hidden all of my shopping by labeling them with titles like "oil change" and "lingerie." He would never question that amount of money I spend on either of those two items. I have also been making sure that all of the flow charts for our rental houses are correct (my husband gets totally turned on by flow charts), and I even pulled the hose in from the yard and yanked the cushions off of the patio furniture. I would say I am well on my way to being prepared...


My husband has been preparing for this by emailing me every day and asking me what I am wearing. I have quickly learned that I have to lie--I vacuum in daisy dukes and a tank top, doesn't everyone?


When we were scheduling these 2 weeks I pulled out my calendar and charted my... a-hem... menstrual cycle so that I obviously would not be... a-hem... incapacitated when he is home.


I was talking with my older sister yesterday and she asked me something that I completely forgot about because with my husband on the other side of the earth, I have not had to worry about this part of my life. She asked me if I had charted when I would be ovulating.


Holy Ovulation Strips Batman!!!


It seems I have overlooked mother nature in all of this and wouldn't you know it, if my calendar is correct (and I have four children to prove that it is right on) I will be ovulating the day before my husband leaves to go back to the desert. That is right... THE DAY BEFORE HE LEAVES!!!


Let's all say a prayer shall we?


Dear Lord,

Please make me ovulate late... I know you love children and all, but I personally think they are little tyrants with huge appetites and an aversion to sleeping late on Saturday mornings. Also, I do not want to trade our second car in for a Catholic bus/van in a pretty shade of white or blue.

I am also aware that you do not look kindly upon the vain, but Lord, I have just gotten back into my tight jeans and I am looking good God! I don't have to tell you, you can see for yourself, heck, you even saw this coming.

So please, have mercy on me and give me a cold or something that will require medication that will throw off my ovulation by a least 3 days...

But if you do think we need to have another baby, I fully expect you to make my husband happy about paying for 5 college educations and I would like a boy this time. Girls are so very demanding aren't they? Asking you to practically perform miracles for them on a daily basis... I don't know what they are thinking!

If it is a boy I already have a name picked out, but that is beside the point because I am in my TIGHT JEANS GOD! It took me 18 month to get here and I just don't know if I can start all over with yoga pants and sweatshirts again. I am only being honest God because you would know if I was lying.


In your name I pray.

Amen.


I think I am in BIG trouble...


20 comments:

The Heckathorns said...

LOL! I got lucky when the Hubs came home for his 2 wk R&R and that time passed and i'm NOT pregant! LOL! There is no way this little lady will become like the Duggars! I draw the line at 4! HAHAHA! (I have three, so one more kid and that's IT!)

momto5minnies said...

YAY ... I am so excited for you. I'll pray that you stay skinny in your jeans for the next 9 months. ALTHOUGH in my case, being "fertile" always makes my husband happy and lucky because I am always a bit more enamored ;) Not that you will have any problem since you haven't seen your husband in quite some time.

Amy said...

I once had a talk with the Lord about this same situation. (No, my husband was never in the service and home on leave, but I couldn't have any more babies after three very ugly pregnancies). He sent me an answer called SNIP SNIP. I'm not Catholic, so maybe us wild Protestants are living on the edge, but I was relieved when I didn't have to worry about this anymore. I hope your hubby's leave is a wonderful time for all.

Aubrey said...

You made me laugh so hard! Go NFP!

Gretchen said...

Oh, what bad luck! I hope it goes well--and I'm praying you get lucky (in ALL ways!!) :)

Noob Mommy said...

Feeling excitement for you and your hubby reunion! Go get him tiger!

Lori said...

Oh, I'll help!
I'll be right over with some baby oil and volunteer to watch the kids! We'll have time to vacation this summer before the next little bundle arrives on the scene!

Edward and I got together again last night. He was splendid as always.

Love ya.
Lori

Christine said...

Great post. Down right honest.

Kasia said...

WOOHOO - I'm banking on another little Cleaver to enjoy pictures and stories of... :-)

So is R&R not psychologically like deployment, wherein you pick fights with him right before he leaves?

You can still fit five kids into a mini van, provided that they aren't all in booster seats. Hope's outgrown hers, right? :-p

Seriously, whether there's another baby or not, I'm cheering for the R&R. Yay, June and Ward!!!! :-) Toothpaste marks on the sink again, hurray!!!

Jennie said...

Enjoy your husband when he's home! And, aren't we lucky to have NFP to even be able to chart such things? Thanks for the honest post... we always end up in phase 3 (free play time) when we are having guests.... ha, ha, ha

annemcd said...

Here's hoping-- I recently bought an eliptical and I'm currently enduring the longest "phase 2" known to man. I can't get preggers without shedding weight from babies 1-4!!

But seriously, on to the pic-- how in the world can a woman labor and deliver and still have hair that looks like that??? Maybe they have stock in Aqua-net?

Owens Family Adventures said...

So this means no blogging for you for those two weeks as you will be ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm well heeheehee let us just leave it at hmmmmmmm. So happy your hero is coming home for a bit!!!
dawn

Jaibee said...

That was the best prayer I've heard all week!!! Amen, sister! :)

Michelle said...

Bill's been gone for less than a week with nearly a week to go, and every day he emails me to confirm that I'll be good to go upon his arrival.

Today he actually called and wanted to know if I wanted to hear his plans for the big day, er...night. This was while I was nursing the babe and holding the phone with my shoulder so I could help the 5 year old unbutton her pants so she could go potty. I gently suggested that right now wasn't a good time.

I love men. They are so simple to please.

june cleaver said...

Michelle... that is how every single phone call I have with Carl goes.

God help me! I am in love with a great big hormone!

Mary Poppins NOT said...

One piece of advice. Stay far, far away from mojitos. Far away. There is some secret fertility enhancer in that particular concoction, and I have the expanding belly to prove it.

Urban Mom said...

Both of the U-Kids are vacation souvenirs, so I don't know how that works.... HE'S on vacation, but YOU'RE not, really. Hmmmmm. Here's to God hearing your perfect prayer and, ummmmmm, other "creative outlets" that might serve a similar purpose.

Have fun!

Cassie said...

I just had unplanned baby #5 and am back into my regular pants much faster than in the past. I think it's because the extra kid puts you over the edge and there is no time to eat, or take care of yourself at all. The stress diet. Anyway, it will all work out - God is good. Enjoy your time with hubby!!!

Kimberly said...

Absolutely hysterical post. As the mother of 9, I have sworn off champagne and margaritas, forever or at least until Alexandra is a little older. for some reason, I can blame champagne on more than half my pregnancies. But, I wouldn't change it not one bit.

mel said...

Congratulations on the most honest prayer ever, heehee.

I think that's an old pic of the Duggars,,,I think they've got a couple more now, lol. :)