I have been preparing for this by making sure the checkbook is in order (and I have strategically hidden all of my shopping by labeling them with titles like "oil change" and "lingerie." He would never question that amount of money I spend on either of those two items. I have also been making sure that all of the flow charts for our rental houses are correct (my husband gets totally turned on by flow charts), and I even pulled the hose in from the yard and yanked the cushions off of the patio furniture. I would say I am well on my way to being prepared...
My husband has been preparing for this by emailing me every day and asking me what I am wearing. I have quickly learned that I have to lie--I vacuum in daisy dukes and a tank top, doesn't everyone?
When we were scheduling these 2 weeks I pulled out my calendar and charted my... a-hem... menstrual cycle so that I obviously would not be... a-hem... incapacitated when he is home.
I was talking with my older sister yesterday and she asked me something that I completely forgot about because with my husband on the other side of the earth, I have not had to worry about this part of my life. She asked me if I had charted when I would be ovulating.
Holy Ovulation Strips Batman!!!
It seems I have overlooked mother nature in all of this and wouldn't you know it, if my calendar is correct (and I have four children to prove that it is right on) I will be ovulating the day before my husband leaves to go back to the desert. That is right... THE DAY BEFORE HE LEAVES!!!
Let's all say a prayer shall we?
Please make me ovulate late... I know you love children and all, but I personally think they are little tyrants with huge appetites and an aversion to sleeping late on Saturday mornings. Also, I do not want to trade our second car in for a Catholic bus/van in a pretty shade of white or blue.
I am also aware that you do not look kindly upon the vain, but Lord, I have just gotten back into my tight jeans and I am looking good God! I don't have to tell you, you can see for yourself, heck, you even saw this coming.
So please, have mercy on me and give me a cold or something that will require medication that will throw off my ovulation by a least 3 days...
But if you do think we need to have another baby, I fully expect you to make my husband happy about paying for 5 college educations and I would like a boy this time. Girls are so very demanding aren't they? Asking you to practically perform miracles for them on a daily basis... I don't know what they are thinking!
If it is a boy I already have a name picked out, but that is beside the point because I am in my TIGHT JEANS GOD! It took me 18 month to get here and I just don't know if I can start all over with yoga pants and sweatshirts again. I am only being honest God because you would know if I was lying.
In your name I pray.
I think I am in BIG trouble...