The Peasants Are Trying To Overthrow The Queen!

OK, ever have one of those moments, days, weeks, years when you feel your children are plotting against you? I truly think that my precious children-whom I have carried in my body, gave birth to and nursed, are trying to figure out how to destroy me.

My oldest had softball practice last night. My husband, who is the coach, is once again out of town so that meant I (full term pregnant and all) had to run the practice. Now, I don't know about you but the sight of me hitting a ball, throwing a ball, catching a ball, or even running (or should I say lumbering) after stray balls is enough to make any person cringe. I am sure that all of the moms on the bleachers were just waiting for a baby to come tumbling out of the bottom of my pant leg!

Thankfully I did not have to curse my husband too long for this obvious attempt on his part to make me crazy because one of the other coaches came to my rescue and took over practice for me. I happily went to sit in the dugout with another mom and we started up a conversation. It was the first adult conversation I had participated in all week (because as I said my husband is out of town and homeschooling keeps me locked up in our house with no outside stimulation... it is all part of the evil plan to overthrow the Queen) I was thoroughly enjoying this conversation when my son walked up and decided that he wanted to be a part of the conversation as well.

My son usually runs as far away from me as he can when we are at a ball field. There are usually other kids around for him to play with and it is like watching a Labrador retriever puppy wiggle out of his leash and run free with his ears whipping in the wind and his tongue hanging out in pure bliss that he is not longer attached to his owner. Last night however, my son decided to cling to me... and I was not in a clinging mood.

My week with my son has been a tough one. He has been disciplined to the highest degree for offenses that he was guilty of and his life is very very bleak right now. I am currently his arch enemy so I would have thought that he would have enjoyed a couple of hours of freedom. Apparently not.

The conversation was one where if I said one thing, he would say "No, it was not like that, it was like this..." and so on. He told this woman everything under the sun about our family-even pulling out the big guns such as "my mom got so drunk she threw up one Christmas" or "I play my video games for 6 hours every day!" and my favorite, "I am trying to figure out how to make gun powder in our back yard."

I wanted to strangle the boy-or rather, I wanted to run screaming from this conversation that I was trapped in with my 9 year old Nemesis.

Why does this happen? Why do kids divulge such secrets--ones that aren't even true (well, OK, I did get so drunk a couple of Christmases ago that I did end up throwing up and passing out in the bathroom of my brother-in-law's house--but the wine was good and the turkey was taking FOREVER to cook!) Now this woman thinks that my son should be on Homeland Security's "person of interest" list because of the lack of parental supervision (the hours of violent video games) and the apparent weapon making (the gunpowder in the backyard.)

I did not clear any of these misconceptions up with this mom. She told me she had a son who was in high school so I figured (hoped!) that she had once been in my shoes. I did not defend my parenting (my son does not play video games for hours on end-unless of course I am drunk and passed out on Christmas) and he is not making REAL gun powder, he is simply playing "civil war hero" in our back woods and he is "pretending" dirt is his gun powder.

I have been waiting all day for Child Protective Services to knock on my door... but so far it has been quiet. Eerily quiet actually... and the children are huddled in the corner whispering and cackling... peering at me with their sinister eyes. Maybe I should let them eat cake!


Suzanne said...

LOL! Your son sounds like mine...only mine is 13! Now, I have recently discovered his temperment is choleric..how about yours? I simply know you are going to come back with something to make me laugh! LOL! You're too much...is there something in your pregnancy vitamins? God bless and take care...St. Gerard pray for us! :)

Shauna said...

You poor thing. I, too, dread the day I need to step in as coach. I'm noy sure who will be more embarrassed: me or the kid.

Suburban Oblivion said...

Omg, is it something in the air today?? My almost 9 year old daughter is grounded to her room for 2 days for lying right to my face for a solid 30 minutes about brushing her teeth this morning. Got right indignant about it, like how dare I question her, then finally broke down and admitted she has not been brushing her teeth again, at all. Arrrggggggggg.