A Fly On The Wall...

I saw an amazing thing today. It boggled my mind and made me even start to second guess the existence of manly men (other than my husband of course.)

I was at ballet today and enjoying listening to the "posh" mom's conversation. It usually goes something like this:

Posh #1: "I spent $500 yesterday at Target, and I don't' know what I bought!"
Posh #2: "That is nothing! I spent $1300 on a bicycle for my son... and he refuses to ride on it!"
Posh wanna-be (this is the mom who does not look like a posh mom to me, but has somehow gotten sucked into the posh conversation every week. She says a lot of "Uh-Huhs" as if she knows what the other posh moms are talking about, but she and I both know that she is just as confused about the description that posh mom #1 is giving about her new kitchen counter tops as I am!): "Uh-Huh"

I usually sit off to the side reading a book or balancing my checkbook and I can chuckle to myself at how absurd these women are. I don't mean to be all judgemental, and I do confess this to Fr. D, but it is not like I am gossiping about them to my best friend, I am just sharing this story with the millions of readers I have (OK, not millions...)

Today, posh mom #2 was not there so she sent posh husband in her place to take posh daughter to ballet. From what I gathered from the initial greetings, posh mom #2 was very tired from their weekend getaway to California so posh husband took the day off of work to help out with the kids. HUH? I had to physically shake my head back and forth to see if a bird had pooped in my ear in the parking lot and had somehow altered my hearing abilities. Posh mom #1 and posh mom wanna-be looked very sympathetic of posh mom #2's condition.

Posh husband went on to describe in intricate detail the wonderful weekend he and his posh wife had browsing antique shops and buying chocolate. He talked more than posh mom #1 usually talks, and she talks so much that by the end of ballet I am usually ready to pound my head against the wall mumbling "make it stop, make it stop." He then went on to describe a ring he had bought for posh wife and he used words that I had to jot down quickly in order to look them up in the dictionary when I got home.

And then it happened... I started to question his manhood. Now, I must admit that I started to lightly question it when he walked in with his ironed blue jeans (the kind that have the crease down the front) that were hitched up way past his belly button, his penny loafers and his black socks. He looked like my grandpa, but he was only around the age of 39. His hair was combed into a perfect style (which actually did not surprise me as posh mom #2, also his posh wife, has a perfect hairdo every week. It is not a hair do that I would be caught dead wearing... but it seems to fit her to a tee.) Anyway, posh mom #1 started to talk about body lotion. She started to go into detail the dry skin that her and her posh daughters suffer from and the various expensive lotions she had tried. She finally found the perfect one-I can't remember the name because it was something in french and I have not taken a french class for about 17 years so she lost me-in any case, I had never heard of this lotion and I would probably have to sell my 9 year old son in order to afford it.

Posh husband was thoroughly intrigued with the lotion conversation. He started to tell posh mom #1 and posh mom wanna-be (who by the way simply said "Uh-Huh" when she heard of the french named lotion-but I am willing to stake my life that she had never heard of it either!) about HIS struggle with dry skin and HIS constant scavenger hunt for the perfect lotion! I had to stop myself from staring with my mouth gaping open in disbelief!

As I drove home from ballet, I thought of my husband and if he had ever even been in a conversation with all women. He seems to avoid situations like that for one reason or another... but the main reason being that he can give a crap about what women talk about. I am also willing to bet that if he and I went on a weekend getaway all he would talk about would be the food he ate and the sex he had, but he does not talk about sex in the presence of women so he would just talk about food. The lotion conversation would have put him in a day dream about boobies and baseball and if quizzed on what was said, he would not be able to recollect any of it.

I am married to a man, a burping, farting, stinky man who has never even put lotion on unless it is the kind that gets "warm when you blow lightly on it." I am married to a man who will talk about three things in public... politics, religion, and sports. He has never had a manicure and he still gets his hair cut at a barber-and they only use clippers on him. I am married to a man whose idea of trimming his nails is to stand naked over the toilet and clip them down to the nub before he jumps in the shower, only to have them bleed for a week or two until they grow a little. I am married to a man who loves me for all of the things that he is not--feminine.

Basically, if my husband had to listen to the ballet posh conversation today, he would have come home, taken two shots of tequila and gone out in the garage to use his hammer, chainsaw, and lawn mower-all at the same time!

By the way, if any of you have a posh husband, my suggestion would be for you to go directly to Sears and buy him every power tool known to man. You will have a stinky farting husband in no time! Guaranteed!


Kasia said...

All this and yet he nests?!? You've got it made!!! ;-)

I have to admit, I would have questioned Posh Husband's masculinity a little too. I mean, my boyfriend clips his nails down to the nubs (I tease him when I can see a micromillimeter of white, which usually means he has to clip them again), shaves his head bald with shaving cream and razor (mostly to camouflage the fact that he's 80% bald already - he had long rock-star hair until he started balding)... I think he does own some lotion, mainly because his skin was so dry it was painfully red during the winter. He's certainly no aficionado!

And despite the fact that he's an absolute angel and puts up with all sorts of crap from me, he strenuously objects to being asked to hold my purse...

Toni said...

OMG! That is a wussy husband! I will take my man anyway!

Never has body functions seemed so endearing!

Shauna said...

Yeah, I don't need my husband to be more feminine than me!

Shae said...

Had my husband heard the comment about lotion he would have said "So, how about that local sports team?"

He's the type who will only enter the shopping mall if we enter at the tool or automotive door of Sears.

Cris said...

Kasia-my husband won't even hold a child wearing pink in public!
I need a man who is willing to stick his hand in the garbage disposal to get out whatever gook is clogging it... not one that will worry about his manicure!

Let's hear if for stinky macho men girls!

Amy said...

Oh, I am laughing so hard!!!!
Are we married to the same man? LOL Anyway, you know, they clip those fingernails down to the nub but not their toenails! I asked him why once and he said to avoid gettingan ingrown toenail... ok, but geesh!
And hubby uses a lotion on his feet called "Working Feet." It comes in a round blue thing that looks like it could have been a chew can. And if he doesn't use it he is walking around scratching his feet on everything! It is so gross.
Sigh, but you know, he is so worth it.

Cris said...

Amy-that is so true about the toenails! There is nothing worse than having to get stitches on your ankles after sleeping in the same bed with your husband! BLECH! I blame my mother-in-law.

Suburban Oblivion said...

LOL!!!!! You are on a roll this week!!

Dana said...

That is too funny. I don't know how you could have sat in the same room with them and not been laughing. Loud. I couldn't do it. You are a better woman than I!