I Think I Talk About Poop Too Much...

Oh how I miss our big beautiful modern house in Nebraska. Our little house in DC is old and the water pipes are all connected, meaning the drinking water is the same as the toilet water, and if you turn on the tap right as someone is flushing... well I am not sure what you are drinking.

Another draw back to the pipes is the showering while flushing fiasco.

My children are not toilet flushers. I spend much of my days walking in and out of bathrooms flushing toilets that little people have somehow forgotten that they have to dispose of their waste.

I can walk up the stairs on any given day and take a whiff and proclaim, "WHO FORGOT TO FLUSH?" It is exasperating.

We apparently have a mystery pooper in our house as well. This mystery pooper sneaks into our home when we are not looking and takes a crap in the toilet and then walks away. When I discover this soggy mess I gather all of my children in front of me (I gather my children much like Captain Von Trapp did in The Sound Of Music. I have a whistle and everything.) Anyway, after they are gathered, I calmly ask "Who took a steaming crapola in this toilet and did not flush the terd down to the ocean?"

I hear a chorus of "Not Me!" I even get some " I have not even pooped yet today." or "I have not pooped at all this week!"

No, the only time my children will flush a toilet is when their dear ol' mom is in the shower.

Yesterday I was enjoying my daily shower as it is pretty much the only part of my day when I am not helping someone or holding someone or folding laundry or cooking something or disciplining someone or answering the phone to my husband's "Hey, can you go up in our bedroom and find that piece of paper I was looking at yesterday and read me the phone number off of it... it has the name Fred, or Gary, or Sheila on it." Of course, I do shower with an audience. The dog seems to think I may disappear down the drain with the water so she stands guard next to the shower and watches me much like a prison guard would watch an inmate showering for the first time after visiting hours are over.

Anyway, during this one measly shower, all of my children had to flush the toilet. A few of them must have brushed their teeth as well-which is amazing because my son tries to avoid brushing his teeth at all cost. I have to threaten bodily harm on that kid just to get him to put a pea size drop of toothpaste on his toothbrush and stick it in his mouth for a nano-second. Not yesterday, yesterday during my shower, he not only flushed, he brushed his teeth! My oldest flushed, brushed her teeth and decided to do her daily beauty regiment which involves the water running for no less than 45 minutes. The youngest flushed... twice (Her poop is sneaky, just when she is sure she is done and she has done the initial wipe, another poop decides to be dropped off at the swimming pool. It never fails.)

I miss the good old days when showering was enjoyable. When it did not involve scalding and scar tissue. When I could get a few quiet moments alone to ponder the important things like "less filling or tastes great."
When I did not have to worry about being boiled alive and the only one there to witness my torturous death would be the dog.


Barb, sfo said...

We have the same plumbing issue here, so it's quite common to hear the person in the shower yelling, "WHO FLUSHED ME?"

Momto5Minnies said...

You need to shower at 5:45am like me. AT that hour the water is hot and the audience is non-existant ;)

My girls don'tlike to flush, but part of that may be my fault. We have had way too many floods and they always believe that there is too much toilet paper in there.

blunoz said...

As long as we're talking about poop, I will say that I particularly enjoy my 3-year old's play-by-play description of each poop. He explains how many, how long, how wide, what color, what texture (yesterday he was particularly excited about the "cracked poop" he had).

As much as I never enjoyed poopy diapers or continuing to wipe my 3-year old's bum, tonight after I cleaned him up, he gave me a big hug and said, "You're my best daddy."

Kathryn said...

Oh the woes of showering! I so understand this post!!!

Beth said...

I always enjoy a good poop post! This one had me chuckling the whole time I was reading it.

We don't have the same flushing while showering problem you have but if I don't take make shower at 5:45am I too will have an audience. I may have to get up early but at least it gives me a little alone time before the day (and the screaming, whining, wiping, washing, cooking, cleaning) starts!

Bill White said...

Nothing beats a poop post! Today the 4-year-old shat something into her pullup that I would have thought could only be removed via surgery. It was huge and it was ROUND. WTF?

Devin said...

OMG! We have a mystery pooper too! He/she must poop in DC, hop a flight to Texas, just in time to poop here and disappear. Oh, the nerve.

mel said...

wahaha! This is one of those things that I always thought made our family weird. My kids won't flush either, I flush poop down the toilet *every time* I walk past the bathroom, no lie. And I get the same response, "Mom, I haven't pooped at all today, it wasn't me!"

I also have the pet issue, except mine is a cat. We have four, but it's just this one cat, apparently, that is concerned. She watches me shower, and cries the whole time.