I've started a new diet. It is similar to the South Beach, only I like to call it the South "Bitch." It is like the South Beach in that I use the same book as the South Beach and I have cut out all carbs, anything fun, things colored red, sugar, and of course my sanity. I like to call it the South Bitch because that is exactly what I AM while on this diet from hell... a Bitch, and I keep the word "South" in it not to offend my friends to the South, but to refer to South Chicago where I grew up near and so my "South Bitch" does not have any "Y'all's" involved, but some "You better get yo punk ass out my face biatch!" type of Bitch in it.
I have done this South Bitch diet many times before (OK, only once before) and it really works, if you can tolerate the mood swings and the nightmares about Canadian bacon that is.
The last time I did this diet was after I had Emma. I lost 18lbs. and thought I was Wonder Woman. I even bought the outfit to wear around the house while I vacuumed. I had the golden truth rope and everything.
There is one downfall to this diet that I had forgotten.
Pooping with no carbs in your body whatsoever makes for liquid fire.
It is like my intestines are crying out for a slice of Wonder Bread, Oatmeal, a Ritz Cracker... anything to get a little solidness to the situation.
Another drawback is the frequency of this liquid fire. I eat, I poop, I eat, I poop, I eat, I poop... and so on. There is no reprieve. I eat, and then I poop... liquid fire.
This schedule puts a serious cramp in my day let me tell you. I cannot eat anything 20 minutes prior to going anywhere or I will have to either a) find a gross employee bathroom to crap like a dragon, or b) poop my pants. Those are my options.
This weekend was very tricky for me. Aaron had a baseball tournament south of us and so I could not eat before we set off for the hour drive, I could not eat while at the baseball games for the entire day, and I could not eat until we were on our way home. By that time I was starving and so I waited until we were about 20 minutes from home and ran through the Wendy's drive-thru. I was starving so I decided to forget about the South Bitch and ordered french fries.
I quickly learned that if you have not put any carbs in your body for over a week and then, all of a sudden, with no warning, you decide to send down some greasy fried carbs... your body will have to get rid of it within 5 minutes.
It was one of those situations where I knew if a police man tried to pull me over for speeding he would have to chase me all the way to my house and I would end up crapping my pants on the evening news while he handcuffed me and read me my rights.
And you thought Supermodels smelled like perfume and money... they smell like poop I tell you! POOP!
It is so exhausting being Gaw-geos.