11.11.2007

The Art Of Carb-Free Pooping...

I've started a new diet. It is similar to the South Beach, only I like to call it the South "Bitch." It is like the South Beach in that I use the same book as the South Beach and I have cut out all carbs, anything fun, things colored red, sugar, and of course my sanity. I like to call it the South Bitch because that is exactly what I AM while on this diet from hell... a Bitch, and I keep the word "South" in it not to offend my friends to the South, but to refer to South Chicago where I grew up near and so my "South Bitch" does not have any "Y'all's" involved, but some "You better get yo punk ass out my face biatch!" type of Bitch in it.

I have done this South Bitch diet many times before (OK, only once before) and it really works, if you can tolerate the mood swings and the nightmares about Canadian bacon that is.

The last time I did this diet was after I had Emma. I lost 18lbs. and thought I was Wonder Woman. I even bought the outfit to wear around the house while I vacuumed. I had the golden truth rope and everything.

There is one downfall to this diet that I had forgotten.

Pooping with no carbs in your body whatsoever makes for liquid fire.

It is like my intestines are crying out for a slice of Wonder Bread, Oatmeal, a Ritz Cracker... anything to get a little solidness to the situation.

Another drawback is the frequency of this liquid fire. I eat, I poop, I eat, I poop, I eat, I poop... and so on. There is no reprieve. I eat, and then I poop... liquid fire.

This schedule puts a serious cramp in my day let me tell you. I cannot eat anything 20 minutes prior to going anywhere or I will have to either a) find a gross employee bathroom to crap like a dragon, or b) poop my pants. Those are my options.

This weekend was very tricky for me. Aaron had a baseball tournament south of us and so I could not eat before we set off for the hour drive, I could not eat while at the baseball games for the entire day, and I could not eat until we were on our way home. By that time I was starving and so I waited until we were about 20 minutes from home and ran through the Wendy's drive-thru. I was starving so I decided to forget about the South Bitch and ordered french fries.

I quickly learned that if you have not put any carbs in your body for over a week and then, all of a sudden, with no warning, you decide to send down some greasy fried carbs... your body will have to get rid of it within 5 minutes.

It was one of those situations where I knew if a police man tried to pull me over for speeding he would have to chase me all the way to my house and I would end up crapping my pants on the evening news while he handcuffed me and read me my rights.

And you thought Supermodels smelled like perfume and money... they smell like poop I tell you! POOP!

It is so exhausting being Gaw-geos.

9 comments:

southernjoy said...

Oh my goodness, this is hilarious.

My mom talked me into starting SB with her a week ago. It got to the point where I'd rather just not eat. That seems to be working, lol!

Beth said...

I have had success with The Atkins diet in the past and it has the opposite effect...no poops at all or if you do poop there's a lot of grunting and pushing involved, if you get my drift!

Phil said...

I too have started the low-carb situation. Atkins to the rescue. And I have to say that the liquid fire image is absolutely true. Unless you eat some cheese. That will help you get some bindage.

Namaste.

The Redneck Princess said...

I think I see the reason for the weight loss - pooping! How do you sit after all that liquid fire poop?!!!! YICKS!! Repeat after me -Everything in moderation - well, except alcohol! HE! Speaking of, how does that nightly cocktail fit into this plan?

~Heather

Kathryn said...

Hey, you could make some money here! Rename the diet the "liquid fire diet" and then market it...same diet, new name, you make $$

Nalventures said...

Oh my goodness! I almost fell off my chair reading this post.

I have found you through Blunoz's blog, who found mine through The Luckey Wifey's (at least I think that's how it went).

I am off to read more. Thanks for the laugh! -K

Momto5Minnies said...

Well this diet may not work for me because I AM WAY TOO REGULAR AS IT IS!

Cris said...

Phil, I think it is the cheese that has caused my fire. That is all I eat. Cheese and nuts.

Heather, I did not read that chapter in the book about no alcohol... it somehow got torn out.

Kathryn, that is a good idea! I could have hot firemen as the spokesmodels. Always thinking you are.

nalventures, I saw that you were moving to the east coast. Anywhere near DC? I need some new friends...

Elaine, are you saying you are a regular pain in the a** or just that you regularly get liquid fire? I am confused. :)

Momto5Minnies said...

I prescribe to the IBS diet ... I guess that does make me a PITA.

*My sister also has my issues, but she prefers the term Hershey squirts to the liquid fire. YIKES ... this is way too personal!