Okay, so you know the post just below this one? The one where I went crazy this morning and ended up with a clean, spotless, shiny house?
Yeah... That didn't last.
Have you seen this commercial?
I hate this commercial. I hated this commercial before today, but now, I hate it even more.
My son did this today. After my house was perfectly clean and the kitchen floor was just washed. He did this! With orange soda no less!
Can you believe it???
I think the mother in this commercial should be shot. She makes all of the mothers like me feel like a horrible person when instead of saying her line of "Jimmy what's wrong with you?" and then gleefully spraying her boy down with the water hose, I say "WTF Jimmy?" to my son and then rant and yell for the next 45 minutes.
You don't understand... orange soda was everywhere... on the floor, the counter, the cabinets, the blinds (which are fabric thank you very much) and the stack of important tax documents that I need to send off to my accountant so that I can get a GREAT BIG CHECK from the government!
All drenched in orange soda.
Orange soda is sticky. It is so sticky that one swipe with a paper towel will not get the stick up. I will not successfully be rid of the stickiness until 2014.
Sigh.
On a positive note, my children have given up soda for the rest of their lives. Their dentist will be so happy.
.
2.28.2009
Today Is The Day...
I knew it was coming... I could feel it starting to build... every woman knows when she is about to hit her wall and her head will explode.
That happened for me this morning. I woke up blissfully happy... which only lasted for about 30 seconds before a child came in with a wet dog (I have never discovered just why the dog was wet and she isn't talking so I am not asking) to start begging for breakfast. I convinced said child that she was capable of pulling a frozen waffle out of the freezer and putting it in a toaster. This child... child #3 has a habit of asking the same question over and over until my head explodes and I send her to her room for 18 years. Eventually I won this dance with the fruit of my loins and she headed off to make herself a waffle while I jumped in the shower.
When I emerged, I found the kitchen in complete and utter chaos. Apparently I overestimated my child's ability to put a frozen waffle in a toaster. I don't know what she was doing with the blender, but it was out on the counter with the bicycle tire pump next to it. I knew that was a bad omen for my day.
Drawers were open, cabinets were ajar, the refrigerator was cooling the house and somehow she had turned on the dishwasher... which was empty. While she waited for her breakfast she obviously decided to take part in her favorite past time which is cutting little pieces of paper in tinier pieces of paper and gluing them on yet tinier pieces of paper. So not only were there little bits of paper and glue dollops all over the counter, floor, table and dog, but she had tipped over the syrup and it has dribbled out onto the counter, down the cabinet and pooled in a nice little sugar inducing coma puddle for the dog to lick up.
I let out a long sigh and started cleaning up. It was all my fault really-I was the one to say yes to sex with my husband.
While I was trying to stay calm, my oldest came up to inform me that she needed to get to her riding lesson. I looked outside to see that it had snowed the night before and the roads had not been cleared yet. I was about to say "I am not going out in this" when she cut me off at the pass and with a voice that only a mother could produce, she said "Mother!" and somehow she was able to make me feel instantly guilty for not putting my life in danger by driving in the weather. I completely blame my husband for this and the fact that he is deployed and not here to run interference in times like these. I am outnumbered and the peasants are finally starting to realize that. I am doomed.
"FINE" I yell. I was mad that I had been bamboozled by these kids. So I did what any other mother would do in this situation-I start yelling out commands.
"HOPE! GO SHOVEL"
"EMMA! GO MAKE YOUR BED AND CLEAN YOUR ROOM"
"AARON! GO HELP HOPE SHOVEL"
"AND WHEN YOU ARE ALL DONE--WE ARE CLEANING THE BASEMENT, THE BATHROOMS, YOUR BEDROOMS, AND WASHING THE KITCHEN FLOOR!"
This last command sent them in a tailspin of whining. Clean the basement? The basement that is such a mess that I won't even go down there or I will start to hyperventilate due to my aversion to clutter and chaos? Clean the bathrooms? You mean those rooms where my children go into-splash water all over the walls and ceiling and leave a pit? Clean their bedrooms? You mean the areas that have been roped off with police tape? Wash the kitchen floor? You mean the floor that the dog licks throughout the day... every day?
Yes...for the love of all things clean, I will have a tidy house today.
Then, the straw that broke the camels back happened. Hope's trainer called and cancelled her lesson because of the snow and the fact that is would be dangerous to head out on the dirt roads to the barn (which was my point earlier, but what the hell do I know? I am just the hired help around here.) and so I opened the door and yelled out to Hope that her lesson was changed to tomorrow.
She looked at me and said "Can we stop shoveling then?"
I do not remember what happened next, but I woke up with a sparkling clean house and well behaved children. They are even saying "yes Ma'am" to me.
I wish I knew what happened in those few hours after I blacked out. Whatever it was-it worked. I am fully aware that I may be the topic of my children's journal entries this week... but I don't care. My house is clean and I am blissfully happy again. Ain't motherhood grand?
.
That happened for me this morning. I woke up blissfully happy... which only lasted for about 30 seconds before a child came in with a wet dog (I have never discovered just why the dog was wet and she isn't talking so I am not asking) to start begging for breakfast. I convinced said child that she was capable of pulling a frozen waffle out of the freezer and putting it in a toaster. This child... child #3 has a habit of asking the same question over and over until my head explodes and I send her to her room for 18 years. Eventually I won this dance with the fruit of my loins and she headed off to make herself a waffle while I jumped in the shower.
When I emerged, I found the kitchen in complete and utter chaos. Apparently I overestimated my child's ability to put a frozen waffle in a toaster. I don't know what she was doing with the blender, but it was out on the counter with the bicycle tire pump next to it. I knew that was a bad omen for my day.
Drawers were open, cabinets were ajar, the refrigerator was cooling the house and somehow she had turned on the dishwasher... which was empty. While she waited for her breakfast she obviously decided to take part in her favorite past time which is cutting little pieces of paper in tinier pieces of paper and gluing them on yet tinier pieces of paper. So not only were there little bits of paper and glue dollops all over the counter, floor, table and dog, but she had tipped over the syrup and it has dribbled out onto the counter, down the cabinet and pooled in a nice little sugar inducing coma puddle for the dog to lick up.
I let out a long sigh and started cleaning up. It was all my fault really-I was the one to say yes to sex with my husband.
While I was trying to stay calm, my oldest came up to inform me that she needed to get to her riding lesson. I looked outside to see that it had snowed the night before and the roads had not been cleared yet. I was about to say "I am not going out in this" when she cut me off at the pass and with a voice that only a mother could produce, she said "Mother!" and somehow she was able to make me feel instantly guilty for not putting my life in danger by driving in the weather. I completely blame my husband for this and the fact that he is deployed and not here to run interference in times like these. I am outnumbered and the peasants are finally starting to realize that. I am doomed.
"FINE" I yell. I was mad that I had been bamboozled by these kids. So I did what any other mother would do in this situation-I start yelling out commands.
"HOPE! GO SHOVEL"
"EMMA! GO MAKE YOUR BED AND CLEAN YOUR ROOM"
"AARON! GO HELP HOPE SHOVEL"
"AND WHEN YOU ARE ALL DONE--WE ARE CLEANING THE BASEMENT, THE BATHROOMS, YOUR BEDROOMS, AND WASHING THE KITCHEN FLOOR!"
This last command sent them in a tailspin of whining. Clean the basement? The basement that is such a mess that I won't even go down there or I will start to hyperventilate due to my aversion to clutter and chaos? Clean the bathrooms? You mean those rooms where my children go into-splash water all over the walls and ceiling and leave a pit? Clean their bedrooms? You mean the areas that have been roped off with police tape? Wash the kitchen floor? You mean the floor that the dog licks throughout the day... every day?
Yes...for the love of all things clean, I will have a tidy house today.
Then, the straw that broke the camels back happened. Hope's trainer called and cancelled her lesson because of the snow and the fact that is would be dangerous to head out on the dirt roads to the barn (which was my point earlier, but what the hell do I know? I am just the hired help around here.) and so I opened the door and yelled out to Hope that her lesson was changed to tomorrow.
She looked at me and said "Can we stop shoveling then?"
I do not remember what happened next, but I woke up with a sparkling clean house and well behaved children. They are even saying "yes Ma'am" to me.
I wish I knew what happened in those few hours after I blacked out. Whatever it was-it worked. I am fully aware that I may be the topic of my children's journal entries this week... but I don't care. My house is clean and I am blissfully happy again. Ain't motherhood grand?
.
2.26.2009
Discombobulation Is The New Organization...
I like to be organized. It keeps me calm and when I feel unorganized, all hell breaks loose.
Like this morning for instance, I woke up late. That right there sets bad things into motion. I ran into the kitchen to get the kids moving to only be greeted by a chorus of "Mom! I need you to do this for me today because I forgot to tell you about it sooner-like 6 million months ago when I found out"-but it needs to be done today... right now... or 15 minutes ago, whichever makes my head explode first.
So we run out of the house with shoes half on, me writing a check for some pygmies in New Guinea for the eighth grade service project, Emma crying because she wants to wear her pink coat and not her green coat and Mary still in her pj's, and Aaron sticks a piece of gum in his mouth because I am betting he didn't brush his teeth... but I am not about to ask him that question.
Today was also "casual" day as school. That means the kids don't have to wear their uniforms... but the catch is that it costs fifty cents to participate (another donation for those starving pygmies) and I opened my purse while in hot pursuit of the school and discover that I have $.75.
It was at that moment that my head started to spin out of control and I started yelling "I HATE THE MILITARY!"
I don't really hate the military, but it felt good to say it... it really did.
I gave $.50 to Emma because she is in kindergarten and I want her teacher to at least THINK that I have my shit together. I gave Aaron a quarter and told him to deal with it and I told Hope that she could get a "character building check mark" for all I care.
I mean, don't I pay tuition at this school? Why do I have to pay to let my kids wear casual clothes when I had to pay out the nose for the "one of a kind" uniforms that they wear everyday.
Seriously.
Today was also the day for the eighth grade graduation pictures. Now, I don't know about you, but when I was a kid, leaving 8th grade was no big damn deal. Not anymore... there has to be a party with pomp and circumstance, and a DJ that plays Beyonce's "All My Single Ladies"
Sigh.
Hope wanted to wear make up for her picture. HUH? Make up? What is that?
She even told me that ALL of her friends are going to wear make up and how can I, as a woman, honestly sleep at night if I insist upon her being an outcast in life?
I don't know where she gets her sass from.
So she tried to compromise with me. "Mom, I'll make you a deal, I'll only wear foundation, eyeshadow, mascara and lip gloss."
Ahhh... I see what she was doing. Start off big so that when the counter offer comes in she will get her way. I know her kind-I AM her kind.
Eventually we agreed upon foundation to cover her pimple on her chin, mascara and lip gloss.
Ugh.
Next think you know she'll want a tattoo and a belly button ring.
Kids.
Oh, and Emma told me this morning that her boobies are starting to grow... and she was excited!
Lord help me.
.
Like this morning for instance, I woke up late. That right there sets bad things into motion. I ran into the kitchen to get the kids moving to only be greeted by a chorus of "Mom! I need you to do this for me today because I forgot to tell you about it sooner-like 6 million months ago when I found out"-but it needs to be done today... right now... or 15 minutes ago, whichever makes my head explode first.
So we run out of the house with shoes half on, me writing a check for some pygmies in New Guinea for the eighth grade service project, Emma crying because she wants to wear her pink coat and not her green coat and Mary still in her pj's, and Aaron sticks a piece of gum in his mouth because I am betting he didn't brush his teeth... but I am not about to ask him that question.
Today was also "casual" day as school. That means the kids don't have to wear their uniforms... but the catch is that it costs fifty cents to participate (another donation for those starving pygmies) and I opened my purse while in hot pursuit of the school and discover that I have $.75.
It was at that moment that my head started to spin out of control and I started yelling "I HATE THE MILITARY!"
I don't really hate the military, but it felt good to say it... it really did.
I gave $.50 to Emma because she is in kindergarten and I want her teacher to at least THINK that I have my shit together. I gave Aaron a quarter and told him to deal with it and I told Hope that she could get a "character building check mark" for all I care.
I mean, don't I pay tuition at this school? Why do I have to pay to let my kids wear casual clothes when I had to pay out the nose for the "one of a kind" uniforms that they wear everyday.
Seriously.
Today was also the day for the eighth grade graduation pictures. Now, I don't know about you, but when I was a kid, leaving 8th grade was no big damn deal. Not anymore... there has to be a party with pomp and circumstance, and a DJ that plays Beyonce's "All My Single Ladies"
Sigh.
Hope wanted to wear make up for her picture. HUH? Make up? What is that?
She even told me that ALL of her friends are going to wear make up and how can I, as a woman, honestly sleep at night if I insist upon her being an outcast in life?
I don't know where she gets her sass from.
So she tried to compromise with me. "Mom, I'll make you a deal, I'll only wear foundation, eyeshadow, mascara and lip gloss."
Ahhh... I see what she was doing. Start off big so that when the counter offer comes in she will get her way. I know her kind-I AM her kind.
Eventually we agreed upon foundation to cover her pimple on her chin, mascara and lip gloss.
Ugh.
Next think you know she'll want a tattoo and a belly button ring.
Kids.
Oh, and Emma told me this morning that her boobies are starting to grow... and she was excited!
Lord help me.
.
2.25.2009
To Give Up... Or To Give, That is the Question
Today is Ash Wednesday. You know what that means, it means that my children are trying to figure out something that they can give up for Lent that will not be too painful for them.
Hope always goes for the big thing. One year she gave up the television. Another year she gave up her radio. Then there was the year where we all had to live with her as she gave up mashed potatoes... that was a dark dark Lent. But I am proud of Hope as she never picks the easy road. She goes for the throat and survives. I think this year she decided to give up email... pfffft. I could never do that. She is already a better person than me at the young age of 14.
Aaron is not as strong willed as Hope. He gives things up like, looking at his baseball cards (that he can't find) or not wearing his favorite pair of black socks (that he left down at the creek when he took them off). He is also very good at "forgetting" or "changing his mind" midstream into Lent. If he gives up video games this week (because he is grounded from them due to his tackle/pushing of one or all of his sisters) he will change his mind next week when the ban on the Wii is lifted and he just can't take the temptation. He is a week-to-week kind of guy. I tried to convince him to give up staring at the little blonde girl that sits across from him in school, but he just turned red and called me "weird."
I think last year was the first year that Emma took on this sacrifice in the name of God. She gave up sleeping with socks on. Her toes thanked her. This year she is having such a hard time deciding... she is thinking about giving up meat except for chicken (uhm, we don't eat meat) or watching TV after school (Emma can care less about TV because she is too busy coloring and cutting little pieces of paper that end up all over my kitchen floor each day). I suggested she give up picking her nose and eating her boogies. She thought about it for a second and decided against it.
I will give up my usual... shopping at Target. Don't laugh. That is a HUGE sacrifice. Like today for instance, I need to get milk and I need some CDs so that I can burn some more songs to play in my van... but I can't go to Target so WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I will eventually convince myself that I don't need the CDs and I will buy the milk at the little grocery store across the street that I don't like to go to because I can't also pick up a book, some underpants for Emma, a light bulb, some glue, my conditioner, and a toy for that kid who is having a birthday party next week.
I always hear adults say "I am not giving anything up, this year... I am going to DO something."
Hmmmm... do something? What I wonder.
Are they going to volunteer at a soup kitchen? Possibly. Are they going to donate non-perishable items to the food pantry? Maybe. Are they going to give all of their clothes away and their worldly possessions and follow Christ? That may be pushing it.
Wow... give up my worldly possessions and follow Christ. Does that include my iPod?
What I wouldn't give to have the faith to do such a thing. To have the faith to resist temptation and truly live in the light of Christ. I mean, I know that God does not expect me to give away everything I have in search of Him, no, he just wants me to give up my dependence on worldly things and depend on Him.
Hmmmm... how is that for an Ash Wednesday reflection? Who or what do you depend upon? And if it is not Jesus, honestly, how it is working out for ya?
Do you see over there on my sidebar the Mass readings? Now, I know not everyone who comes to the Six-Pack is a Cat-lic, and just the other day my own mother-the woman who gave birth to me-asked me if I was still considered a Catholic Blog... and I said "MA! Catholics sin too ya know." and she said "Yes, but do you have to try so damn hard?" and then I pointed out to her that she was sinning because she was telling me I was sinning and she said she was not pointing out to me that I was sinning and she was just guiding me which is her job in this lifetime to help me get to Heaven and then I said, "Ya, well you said damn" and she said "I can say a lot more to you Cristin Ann (I knew I was in trouble when she used my full name) but I won't because I don't want to sin."
Oh that woman!
Anyway-I am thinking that 99% of yous are Christians, so do you see the readings over there on the sidebar? Maybe we can made a pact to click on those everyday and actually read them. Maybe we can decide to let the words fill us, to help us give up our dependence on worldly matters and depend on God this Lent.
"Praise the Holy Spirit, Who leads us into the desert with the Son to find the Father."
.
*Update From Aunt Barb (to good to leave hidden in the comments):
The ashes are an outwward sign that we are to: Remember man, that thou are dust and to dust you will return.It doesn't have anything to do with the scripture about not showing that you are fasting...The sacrifice of giving up something for lent (be chocolate or pizza)is an excerise in will power. We increase our will power by making these sacrifices and that will give us the charged up will power needed when we are tempted to sin.Eating chocolate is not a sin, but the will power it takes to not eat it during lent let's us know that we have the will power to overcome temptation. I've often thought that all the things I gave up during lent, as a child, gave me the ability to overcome alot of temptations that came my way as an adult. And I am happy that I had all those years of will power practice. So pick something, give it up for lent and super charge your will power!It's a good thing!
Aunt Barbara
Hope always goes for the big thing. One year she gave up the television. Another year she gave up her radio. Then there was the year where we all had to live with her as she gave up mashed potatoes... that was a dark dark Lent. But I am proud of Hope as she never picks the easy road. She goes for the throat and survives. I think this year she decided to give up email... pfffft. I could never do that. She is already a better person than me at the young age of 14.
Aaron is not as strong willed as Hope. He gives things up like, looking at his baseball cards (that he can't find) or not wearing his favorite pair of black socks (that he left down at the creek when he took them off). He is also very good at "forgetting" or "changing his mind" midstream into Lent. If he gives up video games this week (because he is grounded from them due to his tackle/pushing of one or all of his sisters) he will change his mind next week when the ban on the Wii is lifted and he just can't take the temptation. He is a week-to-week kind of guy. I tried to convince him to give up staring at the little blonde girl that sits across from him in school, but he just turned red and called me "weird."
I think last year was the first year that Emma took on this sacrifice in the name of God. She gave up sleeping with socks on. Her toes thanked her. This year she is having such a hard time deciding... she is thinking about giving up meat except for chicken (uhm, we don't eat meat) or watching TV after school (Emma can care less about TV because she is too busy coloring and cutting little pieces of paper that end up all over my kitchen floor each day). I suggested she give up picking her nose and eating her boogies. She thought about it for a second and decided against it.
I will give up my usual... shopping at Target. Don't laugh. That is a HUGE sacrifice. Like today for instance, I need to get milk and I need some CDs so that I can burn some more songs to play in my van... but I can't go to Target so WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I will eventually convince myself that I don't need the CDs and I will buy the milk at the little grocery store across the street that I don't like to go to because I can't also pick up a book, some underpants for Emma, a light bulb, some glue, my conditioner, and a toy for that kid who is having a birthday party next week.
I always hear adults say "I am not giving anything up, this year... I am going to DO something."
Hmmmm... do something? What I wonder.
Are they going to volunteer at a soup kitchen? Possibly. Are they going to donate non-perishable items to the food pantry? Maybe. Are they going to give all of their clothes away and their worldly possessions and follow Christ? That may be pushing it.
Wow... give up my worldly possessions and follow Christ. Does that include my iPod?
What I wouldn't give to have the faith to do such a thing. To have the faith to resist temptation and truly live in the light of Christ. I mean, I know that God does not expect me to give away everything I have in search of Him, no, he just wants me to give up my dependence on worldly things and depend on Him.
Hmmmm... how is that for an Ash Wednesday reflection? Who or what do you depend upon? And if it is not Jesus, honestly, how it is working out for ya?
Do you see over there on my sidebar the Mass readings? Now, I know not everyone who comes to the Six-Pack is a Cat-lic, and just the other day my own mother-the woman who gave birth to me-asked me if I was still considered a Catholic Blog... and I said "MA! Catholics sin too ya know." and she said "Yes, but do you have to try so damn hard?" and then I pointed out to her that she was sinning because she was telling me I was sinning and she said she was not pointing out to me that I was sinning and she was just guiding me which is her job in this lifetime to help me get to Heaven and then I said, "Ya, well you said damn" and she said "I can say a lot more to you Cristin Ann (I knew I was in trouble when she used my full name) but I won't because I don't want to sin."
Oh that woman!
Anyway-I am thinking that 99% of yous are Christians, so do you see the readings over there on the sidebar? Maybe we can made a pact to click on those everyday and actually read them. Maybe we can decide to let the words fill us, to help us give up our dependence on worldly matters and depend on God this Lent.
"Praise the Holy Spirit, Who leads us into the desert with the Son to find the Father."
.
*Update From Aunt Barb (to good to leave hidden in the comments):
The ashes are an outwward sign that we are to: Remember man, that thou are dust and to dust you will return.It doesn't have anything to do with the scripture about not showing that you are fasting...The sacrifice of giving up something for lent (be chocolate or pizza)is an excerise in will power. We increase our will power by making these sacrifices and that will give us the charged up will power needed when we are tempted to sin.Eating chocolate is not a sin, but the will power it takes to not eat it during lent let's us know that we have the will power to overcome temptation. I've often thought that all the things I gave up during lent, as a child, gave me the ability to overcome alot of temptations that came my way as an adult. And I am happy that I had all those years of will power practice. So pick something, give it up for lent and super charge your will power!It's a good thing!
Aunt Barbara
2.24.2009
You Are Definately Safe... Maybe.
We have an alarm system in our house. I never pay attention to it because for the most part, I feel completely safe in our home.
It needs to be said that I am a night owl. I usually do not climb into bed until after midnight and if truth be told, I see 2 a.m. on my bedside table clock many a night. I like to stay up late because I can get things done in peace. I can wash the kitchen floor without little people walking through it making footprints. I can fold laundry without little people unfolding it at the speed of light. I can scrub all of the toilets and I will know that they will remain sparkling clean for at least 5 more hours. AND, I can think up all kinds of schemes to convince Cousin Steve to participate in with me.
Now, because I am such a night owl... I hate the morning. I get up every day at 6:45 a.m. Yes-I am aware that this schedule does not offer me much beauty sleep, but that is okay. I have always had a face for radio anyway.
So, back to the alarm system.
This morning at 5 a.m. I was woken from my slumber by a loud beeping sound. I looked at my alarm and couldn't figure out why my music was not waking me up and then I realized what time it was and scratched my head trying to decide if 5 a.m. is an actual time or a time in the interflux of space (is there such as thing as an "iterflux of space" I don't know, but at 5 a.m. anything is possible... and is "interflux" even a word? I don't think so). I then thought that it was maybe Hope's alarm going off and waited for her to stop it. When that didn't happen I thought that maybe Emma's clock was accidentally set and got up to go turn it off. When I got into her room, not only did I realize the sound was not coming from there, but Emma does not even have an alarm clock. So I stumble into the living room listening-trying to produce the location of the obnoxious sound. It sounded like it was coming from the kitchen, and in my half awake state I decipher that the refrigerator must be going off. I open the fridge door and close it... the sound was not coming from there. Of course not-have you ever heard of a refrigerator having an alarm that goes off at 5 in the morning? Me either.
Then it dawns on me-it is the alarm system. I open the mudroom door only to be greeted by a blaring that makes me put my hands over my ears. I fumble and hit it a few times not able to open the stupid contraption that is telling me that either the house if on fire or I am going to be butchered by a killer in 30 seconds.
I pry the cover off and start hitting random numbers-not able to remember what our code is-but being careful not to touch the police button or the fire button. I punch in 2895839. That didn't work, so I try 204967393. That didn't work either so I try 4067303-65. No luck on those numbers as well. UGH! I finally hit the clear button and the blaring stops.
Stupid alarm.
Then it tells me to "check 6F".
Check 6F? What does THAT mean? Where is 6F?
So I start looking for the manual because surely that would tell me just where 6F is in our house.
I could not find the manual. I found the refrigerator manual and I was right... it does not have an alarm.
So I grab the phone in case I need to call 911 or bash someone over the head with it and start checking windows. Everything was locked and secure and so I go into Emma's room and grab the dog who was snoring on her back with her legs straight up in the air. I pull her into the living room and say "Sophie! Who's here?" She looks at me, sniffs the air, stretches, yawns, curls into a ball and falls back asleep.
This actually made me feel better because Sophie barks if a pin drops. She barks if a car dares DRIVE past our house. She barks if the neighbor farts.
Nothing gets past Sophie... except for the blaring sound of the alarm system.
So I do the next thing I can think of and I email my husband on the other side of the world and tell him that I very well may be dead when he reads this email, but if he could tell me just where he put the alarm system manual with the zone settings I would appreciate it. I was sure he put it somewhere where he thought would be a logical place for me to find it, only my logic is completely different than my husband's so apparently-he hid it from me. I am sure my husband loves when I send him emails like these.
I checked the windows again and realized that the alarm company did not call me and there are no police officers breaking down the door to save me so something else must be going on here.
My brain started to function a little and I decided to call the alarm company myself and ask them just where 6F is in my house.
When I called they wanted to know my access code number... which I did not have because I could not find the manual that my husband put in a logical place for me. I told the lady that I understood it was only a 17-numbered access code, and yes, I should be able to remember such things at stressful moments but basically she could kiss my butt.
I finally convinced her to just tell me what the hell 6F would mean-to which she responded:
"That is a cell tower somewhere in the area that has gone down. There is no breach in the safety barrier around you home."
"Huh?" I asked "So no one is about to break in my house and kill me?"
There was silence on the other end of the phone and then a long sigh, "No ma'am. No one is going to kill you tonight."
That was all I needed to hear and I hung up the phone, patted Sophie the guard dog on her head and climbed back into bed to get at least 14 minutes of beauty sleep until my alarm went off.
The excitement never ends...
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It needs to be said that I am a night owl. I usually do not climb into bed until after midnight and if truth be told, I see 2 a.m. on my bedside table clock many a night. I like to stay up late because I can get things done in peace. I can wash the kitchen floor without little people walking through it making footprints. I can fold laundry without little people unfolding it at the speed of light. I can scrub all of the toilets and I will know that they will remain sparkling clean for at least 5 more hours. AND, I can think up all kinds of schemes to convince Cousin Steve to participate in with me.
Now, because I am such a night owl... I hate the morning. I get up every day at 6:45 a.m. Yes-I am aware that this schedule does not offer me much beauty sleep, but that is okay. I have always had a face for radio anyway.
So, back to the alarm system.
This morning at 5 a.m. I was woken from my slumber by a loud beeping sound. I looked at my alarm and couldn't figure out why my music was not waking me up and then I realized what time it was and scratched my head trying to decide if 5 a.m. is an actual time or a time in the interflux of space (is there such as thing as an "iterflux of space" I don't know, but at 5 a.m. anything is possible... and is "interflux" even a word? I don't think so). I then thought that it was maybe Hope's alarm going off and waited for her to stop it. When that didn't happen I thought that maybe Emma's clock was accidentally set and got up to go turn it off. When I got into her room, not only did I realize the sound was not coming from there, but Emma does not even have an alarm clock. So I stumble into the living room listening-trying to produce the location of the obnoxious sound. It sounded like it was coming from the kitchen, and in my half awake state I decipher that the refrigerator must be going off. I open the fridge door and close it... the sound was not coming from there. Of course not-have you ever heard of a refrigerator having an alarm that goes off at 5 in the morning? Me either.
Then it dawns on me-it is the alarm system. I open the mudroom door only to be greeted by a blaring that makes me put my hands over my ears. I fumble and hit it a few times not able to open the stupid contraption that is telling me that either the house if on fire or I am going to be butchered by a killer in 30 seconds.
I pry the cover off and start hitting random numbers-not able to remember what our code is-but being careful not to touch the police button or the fire button. I punch in 2895839. That didn't work, so I try 204967393. That didn't work either so I try 4067303-65. No luck on those numbers as well. UGH! I finally hit the clear button and the blaring stops.
Stupid alarm.
Then it tells me to "check 6F".
Check 6F? What does THAT mean? Where is 6F?
So I start looking for the manual because surely that would tell me just where 6F is in our house.
I could not find the manual. I found the refrigerator manual and I was right... it does not have an alarm.
So I grab the phone in case I need to call 911 or bash someone over the head with it and start checking windows. Everything was locked and secure and so I go into Emma's room and grab the dog who was snoring on her back with her legs straight up in the air. I pull her into the living room and say "Sophie! Who's here?" She looks at me, sniffs the air, stretches, yawns, curls into a ball and falls back asleep.
This actually made me feel better because Sophie barks if a pin drops. She barks if a car dares DRIVE past our house. She barks if the neighbor farts.
Nothing gets past Sophie... except for the blaring sound of the alarm system.
So I do the next thing I can think of and I email my husband on the other side of the world and tell him that I very well may be dead when he reads this email, but if he could tell me just where he put the alarm system manual with the zone settings I would appreciate it. I was sure he put it somewhere where he thought would be a logical place for me to find it, only my logic is completely different than my husband's so apparently-he hid it from me. I am sure my husband loves when I send him emails like these.
I checked the windows again and realized that the alarm company did not call me and there are no police officers breaking down the door to save me so something else must be going on here.
My brain started to function a little and I decided to call the alarm company myself and ask them just where 6F is in my house.
When I called they wanted to know my access code number... which I did not have because I could not find the manual that my husband put in a logical place for me. I told the lady that I understood it was only a 17-numbered access code, and yes, I should be able to remember such things at stressful moments but basically she could kiss my butt.
I finally convinced her to just tell me what the hell 6F would mean-to which she responded:
"That is a cell tower somewhere in the area that has gone down. There is no breach in the safety barrier around you home."
"Huh?" I asked "So no one is about to break in my house and kill me?"
There was silence on the other end of the phone and then a long sigh, "No ma'am. No one is going to kill you tonight."
That was all I needed to hear and I hung up the phone, patted Sophie the guard dog on her head and climbed back into bed to get at least 14 minutes of beauty sleep until my alarm went off.
The excitement never ends...
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2.23.2009
Winner Winner... Chicken Dinner
Random Integer Generator
Here are your random numbers:39 46 69 13
Timestamp: 2009-02-23 14:38:13 UTC
Congratulations #39-Marin
#46-Diva Mom Vicki
#69-Mom to 5 Minnies
#13-Andrea Z.
*Email me with your info and orgasmic eyelashes will be right around the corner for you!*
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Well, Well, Well... I think you all did better with the actresses than any of the mens would have. So, without further adieu... I give you beauty~
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Audrey Hepburn. The face that goes with the name that defines timeless beauty.
I was surprised at how many of you thought Angelina was beautiful-but I guess this supports my argument when I put up a pic of Tom Cruise and everyone says "How can you like Tom Cruise, he is a wack-job!" Well... the same goes here. You don't want to buy her dinner, you just want to appreciate her beauty. I'll give you that.
I love Jennifer Anniston... I really do. She is so "girl next door" and I want to be her friend. Although, I can't stand John Mayer... I really liked it better when she was with Vince Vaughn. Now there is a man.
Charlize Theron would be my own personal pick for the most beautiful. Look at her-it is amazing. I really tried to find a picture of her legs because they are so long and lean that it makes me want to go sign up for yoga and grow 6 inches.
Salma... yes, we all know you have great ta-ta's. We see that. You are blessed. God was good to you.
I love Sandra Bullock... and she gets to tool around town on the back of her husband's Harley. Nothing cooler than that.
Sally Field was adorable when she was younger and even today, she is adorable. How cute is this pic? The only thing that would have made it better was if she had a Bear's jersey on.
Renee had it going on! She could stand toe to toe with a beauty 20 years her junior and win-no question.
If I knew Reese Witherspoon in real life, we would be friends... how could anyone not want to be her friend? Look at her!
How did this get in here? Hmmmm... not bad. Not bad if I do say so myself. And it should be noted that this pic was taken with a $100 digital crappy camera-no fancy shmancy camera with air brushing. Damn straight.
I just had to do it... I 'm sorry.
Penelope Cruz-she dated Tom Cruise and Matthew McConaughey. She must have a thing for beautiful men who are crazies.
I have always liked Nicole Kidman. She has beautiful skin and beautiful eyes and she is so tall that she looks like a goddess.
Natalie Portman is so young-imagine how beautiful she will be when she has life on her face.
Monica Bellucci could kick Angelina Jolie's ass in the beauty contest. Look at her-it is almost painful.
Michelle Pfeiffer is beyond gorgeous. She does not age. I need to write her and ask her what moisturizer she uses.
I love this look on Meryl Streep. She looks sun-kissed and relaxed. She makes me want to chuck it all and move to Greece and open up a little villa and start singing Abba songs.
Merle Oberon-Wuthering Heights... Oh Heathcliff.
Meg Ryan is great as long as you don't watch her walk. You know what I am talking about! She walks like a man... a man who has a pulled groin.
I found this pic of Kelly Ripa and her hubby Mark (who is so damn hot that I have to look away before I blush) but I thought it was just the cutest thing ever. What a lucky guy... what a lucky girl!
This one too... so cute that you just want to be her.
Did someone say Kathy Bates? Yes... but I think you were talking about her acting abilities. I thought I would throw this shot in so all of the mens who are gawking today will have a chance to take a breather and come back to reality.
Ah Katherine. You wore pants so well... so cool.
Kate Hudson reminds me of that one girl in high school that every girl wanted to be friends with and every boy wanted to date.
Kate Beckinsale, I want her hair... how does so get it so thick? If she told me I would have a give away with the shampoo that she uses.
Congratulations Kate on Best Actress. You give good face-and good speeches... AND I love your dad.
Here is another one of Kate... do you see her? Yeah, I don't either.
Julianna Moore... the perfect skin, the amazing hair color-I hate her. HA!
I love Julia Roberts... I mean I LOVE her. She reminds me of my older sister with her bright eyes and wide smile. Every movie I see with her it is like watching my sister on the screen.
Jennifer Westfeldt with her boyfriend... or should I say John Hamm with his girlfriend? How about John Hamm with an unknown woman who I can't really see in the photograph? Yeah, that works. Nice scarf.
I tried really hard not to put bathing suit shots on this post, but I had to with Jessica Alba because if I had her body I would wear a bathing suit 24/7... even in February.
Something about Jennifer Garner is so ordinary, yet so extraordinary.
Ingrid Bergman. Her lips kill me.
Like the album says... truly she is none other.
Halle Berry is so beautiful that it was hard for me to decide on a photo. I always liked her with her short hair.
I thought for the longest time that Gwyneth Paltrow was Bri-ish... but she is all-American. She gives blonde a good name.
America's princess. Grace Kelly-every little girl wanted to be a princess just like her.
Goldie Hawn today looks a little outdated to me... she dresses too young, but she looks great. I like this pic of her-simple and natural.
I want someone to take a picture of me just like this one. Martina Gedeck is striking in this shot.
So exotic... so the opposite of me.
Okay, can I just say that Eva Mendes has taken some raunchy photographs. Good lord woman-would you cover yourself. I thought she needed some help in showing us that her face is beautiful... she does not have to show us so much for us to see that.
This is Tiger Woods' wife. I thought I would give you all a bikini shot so you would be even more envious of him-he is a millionaire, a great golfer and he has a hot wife. And... Elin speaks with an accent. Go ahead men... be jealous.
Here is another one of Kate... do you see her? Yeah, I don't either.
Julianna Moore... the perfect skin, the amazing hair color-I hate her. HA!
I love Julia Roberts... I mean I LOVE her. She reminds me of my older sister with her bright eyes and wide smile. Every movie I see with her it is like watching my sister on the screen.
Jennifer Westfeldt with her boyfriend... or should I say John Hamm with his girlfriend? How about John Hamm with an unknown woman who I can't really see in the photograph? Yeah, that works. Nice scarf.
I tried really hard not to put bathing suit shots on this post, but I had to with Jessica Alba because if I had her body I would wear a bathing suit 24/7... even in February.
Something about Jennifer Garner is so ordinary, yet so extraordinary.
Ingrid Bergman. Her lips kill me.
Like the album says... truly she is none other.
Halle Berry is so beautiful that it was hard for me to decide on a photo. I always liked her with her short hair.
I thought for the longest time that Gwyneth Paltrow was Bri-ish... but she is all-American. She gives blonde a good name.
America's princess. Grace Kelly-every little girl wanted to be a princess just like her.
Goldie Hawn today looks a little outdated to me... she dresses too young, but she looks great. I like this pic of her-simple and natural.
I want someone to take a picture of me just like this one. Martina Gedeck is striking in this shot.
So exotic... so the opposite of me.
Okay, can I just say that Eva Mendes has taken some raunchy photographs. Good lord woman-would you cover yourself. I thought she needed some help in showing us that her face is beautiful... she does not have to show us so much for us to see that.
This is Tiger Woods' wife. I thought I would give you all a bikini shot so you would be even more envious of him-he is a millionaire, a great golfer and he has a hot wife. And... Elin speaks with an accent. Go ahead men... be jealous.
Drew Barrymore-free spirit. I like her more and more with each passing year.
Deirdre Quinn... another red. Who knew reds were so damn beautiful? I always thought that Blondes had the advantage.
Tyne Daly-I loved her in Cagney and Lacey. She has a great face-I mean, just look at her eyebrows!
Yeah-she is in her 50's. Yeah-she is beautiful. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Honestly, I have never been a CZJ fan. I don't like her voice (I know, I am so petty) I also don't like her husband. The dirtly old man...
Now Cate Blanchett has a great voice-deep and husky. It goes with her soft exterior.
This is the only photograph that I could find of Carmen Electra. So help me God.
My little sister always thought she looked like Cameron Diaz. I personally think my little sister is more beautiful-but they both have the yoga/ballet body. Ahhh, to be young.
Ashley Judd is great to watch in a movie. She has a way of speaking that draws you in-the way she forms her words. If you have not seen the move "Someone Like You" with Hugh Jackman-I highly recommend it. She is adorable in it.
Anne Hathaway-so young. Let's see how she holds up.
Angela Bassett... have you seen this woman's biceps? Mercy.
Deirdre Quinn... another red. Who knew reds were so damn beautiful? I always thought that Blondes had the advantage.
Tyne Daly-I loved her in Cagney and Lacey. She has a great face-I mean, just look at her eyebrows!
Yeah-she is in her 50's. Yeah-she is beautiful. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Honestly, I have never been a CZJ fan. I don't like her voice (I know, I am so petty) I also don't like her husband. The dirtly old man...
Now Cate Blanchett has a great voice-deep and husky. It goes with her soft exterior.
This is the only photograph that I could find of Carmen Electra. So help me God.
My little sister always thought she looked like Cameron Diaz. I personally think my little sister is more beautiful-but they both have the yoga/ballet body. Ahhh, to be young.
Ashley Judd is great to watch in a movie. She has a way of speaking that draws you in-the way she forms her words. If you have not seen the move "Someone Like You" with Hugh Jackman-I highly recommend it. She is adorable in it.
Anne Hathaway-so young. Let's see how she holds up.
Angela Bassett... have you seen this woman's biceps? Mercy.
I forget who this is... but she is another one of those exotic beauty that I will never look like.
Okay, I'll say it. I don't like you Scarlett. I don't like your boobs and the fact that you have to flaunt them. I mean... when you are 40 they are going to be down to your belly button if you don't start taking better care of them.
Sissy Spacek-I love your freckles.
Yes one more exotic that makes me want to dye my hair and walk about swaying my hips back and forth.
I don't agree with most of the things that come out of her mouth, but she is an amazing actress and I thought she looked so hot in Thelma and Louis. The suntanned skin and the wind blown hair made me want to run free and drive off of a cliff.
I saved one of the best for last... Vivian Leigh, they do not make them like you anymore. And Clark Gable-Swoon! Look at him just pulling her in. Ahhh, romance is dead. Give me a rainy day with Gone With The Wind any day and I will be happy.
Okay, I'll say it. I don't like you Scarlett. I don't like your boobs and the fact that you have to flaunt them. I mean... when you are 40 they are going to be down to your belly button if you don't start taking better care of them.
Sissy Spacek-I love your freckles.
Yes one more exotic that makes me want to dye my hair and walk about swaying my hips back and forth.
I don't agree with most of the things that come out of her mouth, but she is an amazing actress and I thought she looked so hot in Thelma and Louis. The suntanned skin and the wind blown hair made me want to run free and drive off of a cliff.
I saved one of the best for last... Vivian Leigh, they do not make them like you anymore. And Clark Gable-Swoon! Look at him just pulling her in. Ahhh, romance is dead. Give me a rainy day with Gone With The Wind any day and I will be happy.
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That's it folks... the show it over. Nothing more to see. Please remember to tip your waitress.
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