Winter Can Suck It...

Seriously. How long is this season anyway? 354 days?

I was standing in front of the mirror the other day and realized that I have officially become so white pale that if I stood in the front yard naked with a scarf around my neck and two button eyes I would be the snowman that my 5 year old has been bugging me to make with her. I would make a snowman with her but our neighbors have a habit of letting their dog poop in our front yard so I don't want to find any "surprises" as I roll a big snowball around. I do not want our snowman to be a shithead.

So I am pale. What can I do? Not much... I was born this way. I have Irish blood coursing through my veins which gives me fair skin. Even in the summer I am not a tan goddess. Sigh. My older sister and my father tan-I know-what a freakin' jip! They took all of the Black Irish blood and my sister can get a tan just by opening the refrigerator door. It is just not fair I tell you. My mother, my little sister and I have fair skin. My little sister refuses to believe that she has fair skin and she still slathers herself with "Deep Tanning" lotions in the summer and will lie by the pool for hours. I used to do that as well until I started spending much of my free time at the dermatologist getting skin cancer removed from my body. Which, if I have to think about it... it was not so bad. I had a little spot on my forehead and my dermatologist does not only have the most beautiful skin I have ever seen... he is a PLASTIC SURGEON! Yeah... I know. He is single too... but I am married so I gave him the phone numbers of all of my single girlfriends hoping that he would fall in love with one of them and I would somehow get free botox injections.

No luck.

Anyway... when he "removed" this "little" cancer from the side of my forehead... it proved to be bigger than he had anticipated and he had to pull my forehead skin tight to stitch me up so you know those worry lines that most people have between their eyes? I don't have them anymore. Yeah-they are gone. Poof.

I love plastic surgery.

Where was I?

Oh yes, my fair skin.

So now I get my tan airbrushed or sprayed on. It is great and I don't have to spend any time hanging out at the pool sipping fruity drinks with umbrellas in them... because that would just be horrible wouldn't it? Just laying there letting the sun warm me while I read a book and drink a cocktail that will make me giggle to myself for no reason whatsoever.

Who would want that? Pffft. Not me.

I was thinking that it may be time to start getting my tan on. I was thinking that this would make me feel better about the fact that it is only February and warm days are not on the horizon for at least another two months! *If you live somewhere warm do not comment to me that you are driving around with your convertible top down or I will hunt you down and kill you... I will, don't tempt me.*

Now, when I start thinking of doing something, it usually takes me a week or so to finally make a decision about it. I have been weighing the pros and cons of starting my tan so early. The pros: I would look hot (go with me here, it is February and I have been clothed with layers from my neck to my toes since October). The cons: Well, I couldn't think of any cons.... until I went to Target the other day.

I had to go to Target because although I am at that store no less than 5 times a week, I kept forgetting to get the one thing I was going for each day. Tampons. Damn. Stupid things.

So I grab my torpedoes and head to the checkout lines to find that there are only male cashiers, and I had to circle back and buy useless items so that I did not have only tampons in my cart and then the male cashier would know I was on my period and would look at me and I just couldn't live with the knowledge that he knew, that I knew that he knew. So I bought some donuts and chapstick to throw him off.

When I pulled into line #6 I notice the woman in front of me. She was baked to a crisp. She must live in a tanning bed because even her eyeballs were tan. She did not have a nice Coppertone tan, no, she had a tan that made her look like a dried out piece of poo... much like the ones in my front yard (do you see how I just tied all of that in-I am so good). I wanted to tap her on the shoulder and say, "Excuse me Magda? WTF? I mean... it is February and it looks like you just walked off of the surface of the sun. You live in Nebraska woman! What is wrong with you?"

But I didn't. I just felt sorry for her because although I think a tan is beautiful on people, it was ugly on her-and the fact that she is the only tan person in the entire state of Nebraska made her stick out like a sore thumb.

So I am going to hold off on my spray tan until March... unless of course my skin becomes so transparent that people will think I am a vampire, or an albino.

Either or.



warren said...

There is a fine line between nice tan and gross tan and way too many people cross that line so fast they don't even notice...resist the tan!

Just to commiserate, it was 17 this morning...winter sucks!

Jud said...

I tna, but not like the kids or Wifey, who tan easily and rarely burn. I generally burn, peel, burn again, peel again, etc.

It is 54 degrees here today. There was a frost yesterday, though.

I don't really understand how you feel about your purchase, although I have been sent out more than once to purchase same and often came with all kinds of other stuff, too. Sort of like when you go to the store and there is a sale on toilet paper so you stock up and get like 72 rolls and you wonder if people think you are addicted to chili or have some bizarre gastrointestinal disorder.

Anonymous said...

OMG! Is that the lady from "Something about Mary"?
She was unbelievable. Yeah, it just doesn't look right to have a tan in these winter states. Wait until after spring break time and then people will think you are a college gal!
Have a great day! Roll some poop or something! hehehe!
Aunt Barbara

powdergirl said...

Hi June,
I know what you mean about the over-baked look. Shudder. Just pointing out that, on Maui , this year 2 of my neighboring condo's were occupied by folks from NE. So she probably has 1 out of the three tans in your state.
My NE neighbors were very nice and a lot of fun.
State wide qualities? (they were tastefully tanned as well)
Have a good day!

Paula said...

I loved your writing...well done and very funny

Sarah (JOT) said...

I'm laughing me arse off!!!! Hilarious - I'm also a fair skinned lass (mostly Norwegian/Swede/Finn, but Irish/German/Dutch) . . . I've also had skin cancer removed (on the back of my fat thigh OUCH). Thanks for the laughs - many laughs.

wankette said...

You have kids & regular booty calls & you HIDE your TAMPONS??
[wankette rolls about on the floor, laughing her ass off]
Honey, occasionally I ask the 19-year-old boy-clerk for a PRICE CHECK.

Mrs Marcos said...

After living in the frozen tundra for months on end, I totally think the judge would pardon anyone that snapped and killed a convertible driving taunter. Just saying...

Christine said...

Pale pathetic woman here also. But thank the Lord up above no neighbor dogs pooing on my lawn!! Score one for me!

june cleaver said...

Wankette... and that comment right there is why I love you so.

I laughed out loud and almost woke the baby.

Mary Poppins NOT said...

Yeah, here in the midwest, February is like the pit of despair. Barely able to hang on. I have seen some robins (I'm sure they regret returning so soon).

Last year, in Feb. a friend of mine hauled 4 bags of sand into her bedroom, dumped it on a tarp, put up a sun light and a lawn chaise lounge, turned the heat up to 80, put on shades and blasted the Jimmy Buffet. She said it worked wonders.

Urban Mom said...

I have a bad case of the February's too. And I'm pale too. 50% German, 50% Belgian, so 100% Northern European Pasty. I'm thinking of doing a bit of a spray tan or "use this lotion for 7 days" tan just to look less dead. Oh, and today is my birthday, so I'm pricing Botox. Seriously.

Here's to Spring!

hellolittlepeepers said...

Have you ever tried the skin darkening lotion? Like Jergins healthy glow crap? I am so pasty pale that even for light skin it turns me yellow. I end up looking like I have streaky jaundice.

Out on a Limb said...

I read this with a little bit of a wine buzz and it was so funny. Not that you aren't funny all the time, but reading you a little bit drunk is pure joy...just had to say that.

Yes, I also ask the checkout boy for a price check on tampons, condoms and KY jelly. So totally worth it to see the look on their faces.

And I've never done any kind of tan. I burn and peel...end of story. I don't even bother anymore.

june cleaver said...

That's okay limb... I write most of my posts with a beer buzz. Sometimes I have a full-on drunk going.

I am boring in real life.

lolaberly said...

I'm a big fan of the Oil of Olay sunless tanning moisturizer. It takes a couple of days for it to really work, which is perfect for me. I can't really keep track of where things have been put on or not and if I did a regular tanning lotion, I'd end up an orange zebra. :)

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday June
Was 26 in the Hoosier State today,
Ready for spring!!!!
Let me be the first one to wish you a Happy Easter.
Aunt Judi

Stacie.Make.Do. said...

Considering all the Robert Pattinson/Twilight love here - isn't being as pale as a vampire a good thing?

That's what I tell myself, anyway.