As God Is My Witness... She Will Be Potty Trained Before College!

I am coming to you from my kitchen table where I just ate my daughter's waffles after I vowed to not eat a stitch of food today because I have somehow packed on a few "winter" pounds in the past few weeks.

Thank God for sweatshirts...

Anyway, I am in the throws of potty training... the trenches of toilet procedures.... up to my elbows in little butts.... and I am pulling my hair out!

My little one refuses to use the potty chair. That is right, she outright REFUSES! She has YET to even put a little drop of tinkle in that chair-and the amazing thing is, that if she did tinkle in there she would discover that a little song will play and it will probably scare the shit out of her as well! Two birds-one stone.

I don't know why I am failing at this-I mean, I have successfully potty trained 3 other children, and several dogs. How hard can this be? Why am I forgetting how to do this? Is it true that breast feeding does suck your brains right out of your boobs and after 4 kids I am finally destined to ride on the short bus?


My first child was a dream to potty train-but aren't the first children a dream to get them to do anything... they are so perfect. That is where God gets you to have more children-he fools you with the perfect one first and then you decide to have a second which is NOTHING like the perfect first born... but somehow the second one tugs at your heart strings and you think about having another-God's way of fooling you AGAIN! The third is the drama filled one that makes you vow to never have "relations" for fear that more tantrums will ensue (your own, not the children's') until one fateful night with Tequila and cold medicine that messes up your ovulation schedule and you say something like "I'm fine... sreallys, I vovulated lassssst weeek." and before you know it you are potty training child number FOUR and have forgotten all of your tricks and rules and you have become a push over from all of the children working on your mental stability day in and day out for all eternity!

Big Sigh...

It is like she is outsmarting me. Her bladder must be the size of a whales because she can hold it for an entire morning-sitting in wait for me to have to put that diaper on her because we are out of milk and she knows that I will have to take her to the store. We have been out of milk now for 5 days because I have refused to leave the house with her for fear that she will pee in her diaper! We are also out of toilet paper-but paper towel works in a pinch and I'll be DAMNED if I won't stand my ground!

She usually has an "accident" and I am using the word "accident" reluctantly because she always does it on the hardwood kitchen floor. I figure she does it this way because she has seen the dog sit out in the cold for HOURS after she has peed on the carpet.

So I am coming to you all... my trusted friends who have done it all, seen it all, and achieved it all! Do you have any secrets for me to use to get her to tinkle on the toilet?

PLEASE!!!!! I will try anything right now-I am willing to even try electric shock therapy (on myself of course!)

Don't fail me now Six-Packers.... I am sending up the bat signal, which is in the shape of a toilet-not a bat, and counting on you!



rita said...

My 1st child (girl) was hell to train. She brought her potty into the living room to sit on while watching tv as soon as she was big enough to drag it in. It was simply a chair that was juuuust right for her. It took about 1.5 years after that before she was trained--which happened after her baby brother was born. She reliably pooped in the potty (I read books to her while she did that; her favorite was "The Lion's Haircut", so when she had to poop, she'd call out "Mommy, Lion Cut!" Her son is her payback child.

My son, on the other hand, trained himself in two weeks' time (I was NOT going to initiate THAT one) at a time when his paternal grandmother (why, yes, my ex IS a son-of-a-b*tch) was hospitalized and we went to see her every freaking evening for 3 months until she kicked the bucket. Which, thankfully, was not what my son was using. Even dragging him all over creation didn't stop him.

Not much help, I'm afraid. But now when my daughter wants her 5.5-year-old son to go to the bathroom before they leave home (and he can hold it in for aaaaaages) all she has to say, in a high-pitched squeaky voice, is "I'm coming out! Pee has to come out!" and he grimaces and runs for the bathroom. Same for poop (only with a lower-pitched voice).

She's going to pay for this someday, I'm afraid.

Gina said...

I've got nothing. My first was a nightmare. It wasn't until about 90 days after his 4th (4th!!) birthday that he deigned to go on the potty. And at 4 - it's not poop, it's full on shit. The only good thing is that he was so old, that as soon as he went once, he was fully trained - never used a pull-up, didn't have any accidents, etc.

When my daughter rolled around, I was prepared for the nightmare again and she surprised me by basically training herself when she was barely two.

powdergirl said...

What are you using in the way of bribery?

I always put some of their absolute favorite treat on display, then fought the good fight that said, "look what you get for going on the potty."

I'm sure you've thought of that, but hey, thats what worked for me. Even on the youngest who though for sure the potty would bite his ass one day. Sugar speaks louder than words.

"G" said...

We used skittles and M&Ms.. Potty in the pot, you get candy.. Potty on the floor, panties, etc., you get nothing. Rewards worked. Daycare did this as well.

SeriouslyWhyCantI said...

I say you leave it. Walk away and come back to it later. Give it time, she will realize that in order to hang out with the cool kids she has to give up the dipes. Something will click and when it does she will come to you.

Or you could try your luck with Murphy's Law. Go out and buy a Costco size pack of diapers to last you through the winter. You will barely break into the bag and tada...she will be potty trained.

Uptown Girl said...

I have never potty trained a child, and even failed at potty-training my ex-husband... but that is a story for another day.

can't come up with any advice... I'd prob make the potty gold and sparkling. I'd want to use a potty that sparkles like diamonds.

Good luck! you can do it June!

Carrie said...

Have you tried going nakey-butt? I mean not you, June....sheesh....but your little one.
We also had a 'tinkle timer'. Worked with my oldest daughter. Timer told her when it was time to try and pee, not Mommy. We set it for every 20-30 min. Then the timer told her to sit for 3 minutes.
We gave 1 mini m&m for sitting. 3 for going pee. Lollipop for going poop.

Good luck!!

Alicia said...

Bribery. Find something that she really, REALLY likes. Candy, cookies, money....whatever. Then tell her that she can have that if the tinkles in the potty. And if that doesn't work, you could always lock her in the bathroom until she does it. But don't go spreading the word on that. You know....CPS and all.

FLYNAVY said...

Miss Cleaver,
Guess my kids have been pretty easy, I just take em in the head when I have to go & show em what's going on [xpecting a visit from the local CPS now.] Takes a few times but seems to work pretty good. I also get tasked with the bird & the bees talks.
2nd fool proof if all else fails. Take a paper bag, blow it up, hold it closed tight & pop it behind her, maybe it'll scare the piss right out of her....usually works that way for me. Be ready with a favorite treat & lather on the praise & positive reinforcement. [that'll probably bring out the CPS too] But then u strike me as the type that likes to live on the edge a little.
U have a toilet seat that plays music, can I ask what song? That has interesting Christmas gift ideas for some of my buddies that r afraid of the new piss tubes they've installed around here.

Cathy said...

Day one of potty training child #3: I put big boy underpants on him and planned to hang around the house, rushing him to the potty every 3 minutes. Then a brain fog overtook me and for some reason I went to the grocery store. Halfway there I thought, "Oh, crap! He doesn't have a diaper on!" So item #1 on the agenda at the store, go to the potty. He was potty trained from then on.

None of mine cared for the baby potties. They used the real thing. They were big kids, doncha know.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

With both of mine, I used candy (m&ms or little chocolates) and special sticker books. I kept a box of fun stickers and let them pick one and put it in their book.

Also, my littlest one never liked the potty seat. She wouldn't even sit on it. Instead, she uses one of those puffy Dora seats on the big potty.

Urban Mom said...

June, our youngest kiddies seem to be about the same age. (urban kid 2 turns three on new year's eve -- party on)

For her, we started by not giving her pants to wear when we were home. She just had to be out in the wind. The minute she got up, it was out of the pull-up and into the fresh air. She only got a pull-up when it was time to leave the house.

She's doing well at home. Not 100%, but just about there. And I still will not leave the house without a pull-up on her (do I really need her peeing all over the cart at Target?)

Oh, and the video Potty Power. She LOVES Potty Power. It drives me absolutely *batsh-t* but hey, she gets all psyched about singing the song about wiping her bottom after doing her bid-ness.

Several of my Facebook posts have been lamenting potty-training. I swear, it's a form of birth control around here. Accident with Urban Kid 2=no action for Urban Dad.

Hang in there. Ya got a sista in Chicago trying to get through this too. And keep on standing that ground!!!

TheSeeker said...

Mom always says bribe em with candy.

JennyMac said...

we are in potty training now..our son was going ON the potty about 90% of the time when he was just over two. Then he decided he didnt want to do that anymore..for about the next four months. He goes now..when he feels like it. Ice cream nibs are our bribery tool. Aint no shame in that game.

Melissa said...

Pretty panties, June. Don't we all love pretty panties? DId the trick for my girls! Good luck!

Anonymous said...

dump diapers for panties and set her on the real thing at the times when you think she ought to have to go. Then just deal with the mess as it comes, eventually- and I promise that is longer than it should be but shorter than would really scare you she will train. This is a power thing. You just have to be cool and not fret over the extra mess, because there will be extra mess. Just throw out the diapers and any in between nonsense and move forward. Change her when she soils her clothes and act like its no big deal- after a week or so, she will get with the program. We just did this with twin boys, trust me I know what I am talking about.

Mairin :o) said...

I suggest finding 'big girl' undies with some character or print she likes and making it a big deal to wear big girl panties. Only babies wear diapers. Point out her sister wear undies not diapers. My daughter couldn't wait to get into her 'big girls'.

Good luck. Let us know what finally does it.

my kid would kill me if he knew said...

I did all the tricks with my #2 kid-when he was right in the age the "experts" said he was ready. Tried the bribes, making it a fun place, putting potty in front of the tv, no diapeys...the bottom line is he was born a fighter and saw this as a fight. After it started getting to the frustration stage for both of us I put it away for a few months (despite him being too old to not be trained according to everyone). When I tried it again, it was no problem and no accidents. He had just moved on to better things to be stubborn about I guess. Then when he finally decided restaurant bathrooms were ok to use, the ones with the automatic flush scared the crap out of him! Musical potty? Who knew?

Out on a Limb said...

We have that darn musical potty and it sings at all the wrong times. It's our second one. The other one used to burst into song in the middle of the night. My two-year-old thinks it sings just for sitting on it. I'm in a pickle because I have a child that "should" be potty training (you know, according to the mother in law) and I went and got a puppy. DUMB! Puppy or two year old, who should be trained first? At any rate, the two year old is child #5 so I don't really care when she trains. It'd be nice to have none in diapers, but its much easier to change them then worry about a peeing two-year-old everywhere we go.

Layna said...

ha! 3 things: pretty undies, all out bribery of whatever she wants and duck tape. after being trained for 5 mos, my 3 y.o. decided to pee freely for the next six mos. after three kids, i'd give her the keys to the car if that's what it'd take. so daily trips to the ice cream store for each successful day of being dry worked and also pushed me into sweatshirts early this fall - the arse grew. i'll walk a million miles to work it off just so i don't have to wash soiled clothes!!! even with the ice cream, it was the promise of a ride on the city bus for 7 days of being dry that finally pushed us over the hump. if all else fails, duck tape the potty to her tush and enjoy that 'little song'! God bless!

Anonymous said...


First child (now 18) was crazy about Snow White. I bought her Snow White sheets, showed them to her, but wouldn't put on her bed. She potty trained quickly, but refused to poop in toilet. Once, after she pooped her pants, she came up to me and said, "Momma, are you happy?" After that, I started taking her out to the driveway after a poop in the pants and hosing her off with a garden hose. Then it got too cold and she just finally did it in the toilet.

Child number 2 (now 16) wanted to swim in the neighbor's pool really bad so I told her when she would pee and poop in the toilet I would take her swimming. She waited until September right after I gave birth to daughter number 3. A little chilly outside by that time, and of course, I couldn't get in the pool right after giving birth, so Darling Daddy had to fulfill that promise. He has still not forgiven me.

Daughter # 3 trained herself in one day. Didn't have a number 4 so I can't help you out. Sorry, but I enjoy reading your blogs.