Why Do Today What You Can Put Off Until Tomorrow...

8:00 a.m. Wake up and decide that today is that day that I will start to lead a healthy life style. Get all excited about how fabulous I will soon look and dream about the size 6 shorts I will buy.

8:15 a.m. Make myself an egg white omelet.

8:17 a.m. Still hungry so I search the fridge... I see some leftover cake. Self control keeps me away from it! Success!

9:30 a.m. See a half eaten pop tart on the counter. Resist the urge to eat the entire thing and only nibble on a corner and toss the rest. Pat myself on the back for being so strong willed.

10:00 a.m. Grab a girl scout cookie and eat it before my mind can tell me to stop. Try to spit it out but I have already swallowed it. Re-evaluate my defense skills.

11:30 a.m. Eat a roasted chicken salad. Wonder if I am thinner than I was this morning since my jeans feel a little lose around the ankles.

12:30 p.m. Go through the Arby's drive-thru to give myself a reward for being so good this morning. Order a small order of mozzarella sticks.

12:35 p.m. Sit outside of my son's Tae Kwon Do school and prepare myself for my reward. I am only human. I cannot live on lettuce and egg whites!

12:36 p.m. Scream out in horror when I discover that my order of mozzarella sticks must have been sitting under the heat lamps for no less than 4 hours as they are hard and gross. Vow to sue Arby's.

2:30 p.m. Notice that the kids have opened yet another box of girl scout cookies. Flip through a Self Magazine in order to ward off the girl scout cookie temptations.

2:32 p.m. Hang my head in disgust after eating an entire row of cookies. Make a mental promise that I will never again buy girl scout cookies-I don't care how cute those little girls are when they ring my doorbell.

3:00 p.m. Discover that I have started my period. Eat the rest of the box of cookies and half a bag of Doritos. Still feel hungry.

3:30 p.m. Decide that I will only eat a salad for dinner to counter attack all of the cookies consumed.

4:00 p.m. See a woman jogging on the street while I am driving and think for a brief moment that I would like to run her over. Make mental note to get to confession this week.

4:30 p.m. Spend the late afternoon outside with the kids in order to stay out of the kitchen. Feel good about being an attentive mom and having self control... remind myself that I never worried about what I ate until I started having children-blame my husband.

5:00 p.m. Run through Wendy's drive-thru for dinner (it is a busy day). Feel proud of the fact that I chose Wendy's because they have salads and yogurt. Order the yogurt only to find that they stopped selling that 2 months ago. Grumble and order a fries instead... and a frosty. How did this backfire???

8:30 p.m. Open the door to my neighbor who is bringing me over a dozen freshly baked walnut/chocolate chip cookies. Set the cookies on the counter and resist the urge to eat them all.

8:32 p.m. Finish off the last of the 12 cookies.

9:00 p.m. Take a shower and suck in my stomach. Put my pj's on and get ready to climb into bed. Try on a pair of new shoes. Bask in the fact that my shoes always fit no matter what I weigh. Decide to start the healthy lifestyle tomorrow. Promise to be more committed. Vow to stop honking at joggers when I drive by.


Heather said...

This is so funny. I can totally relate. Will you visit my blog? I would be honored!

A Simple Sinner said...

Take tae kwon doe with your son... It will be something to do to keep you away from chewy cheese sticks (which in my world, even when they are bad, they are gooooooood) and it will help keep the fear of God in him inasmuch as he knows that mom can throw him into next week.


Anonymous said...

Was that a vanilla or chocolate frosty?
Love you blog!
Aunt Barbara

the Mom said...

I think the Girl Scouts are secretly a front for Satan himself. Who else would come up with using cute little girls as a way of getting 1000 calories of cookies into our houses? I could resist them in the supermarket, but I just can't with the little girls and the badges and the beanie hats...

I'm moving to Africa where I read that a girl isn't even ready for marriage until she has at least 3 rolls of backfat, or to Mexico where I guy once told me they like curvy girls because "The bone is for the dog...the meat is for the man!" Want to come with? I'll bring the Girl Scout cookies if you bring the ice cream!

Rob said...

Hilarious post.
as a fellow dweller of the DC burbs, thanks for not driving over 'joggers'.
Although for the record I'm a runner not a jogger. Here is how you can tell the diff. At a stoplight a jogger will jog in place trying to stay loose and look like a doofus bouncing up and down. A runner will stand there with his hand on his hips with a pissed look on his face while eye-balling the traffic to see if he can get across like in the old Frogger arcade game

Wendy-MommyInTheKnow said...

I too have a weakness for the girl scout cookies. Thank goodness it's only once a year. I even bought the lemon ones thinking that cookies with fruit in them HAD to be lower in fat than the chocolate covered ones.

P.S. Thanks for the comment.

momto5minnies said...

I am currently trying that SOUTH BEACH thing with my husband (to support him). I know you mentioned tasting blood with running, but yesterday I swore my heart was racing (ready to pop out of my chest) ... must be the detoxing from all those carbs I normally eat.

I wish I was like my 10 year old daughter who swims 2 hours a day/5days a week. We have to encourage a little extra fat in her diet.

I'm glad you found the positive in that your shoes still fit. Hope they are not flip flops.

G said...

10:00 a.m. !!! A hoot!!

I think you are psychic or something...that is EXACTLY my mental process while "dieting".