I Want To Have a HUGE Funeral

A friend of mine just came out to visit. It is the same friend who has the cyst problem on her tush... thankfully she did not have any blows while here and I did not have to pop anything. But, if she were in pain and needed me to pop something, I would have done it for her-that is how much I cherish our friendship.

We have different kinds of friends don't you think? There are different sides of ourselves that we show to people as well. I have many sides to me, and it is very rare for me to have a friend that I show all sides to. I can think of maybe a handful who know me as well as my husband knows me (although, I don't complain about my husband to my husband, so in a sense some of my friends may know me better than my husband. But, they do not know me as intimately as my husband-as in the Biblical sense-so he has that over them... something I am sure they are not jealous of.)

Here are some of my sides:
The "I am a very good Christian woman" side. Which is a very big side of me, because I am a very good Christian woman... but there are some people that I only show this side to. This side of me also makes me aware that other people may have the ability to show just the "Christian" side to me and therefore I am leery of do-gooders because I know they are tossing back a few and cursing up a storm on the weekends like I do (except for Sunday of course when I teach Sunday School) So when you show me this side, just show me the party side as well-I know it is in there. I guess that isn't a very "Christian" way of looking at my Christian woman side is it?

The "par-tay" side. This is the fun side of me... but it also tends to give me a bad reputation as a parent who drinks. That is fine, because I am a parent, and I do occasionally drink... I do not think these are bad traits to have, but the Christian side of some people don't like my par-tay side. It is confusing sometimes remembering who I have shown my sides to because I may come across a person who I have only shown my Christian woman side to when I am at a party and they suddenly come face to face with my par-tay side. It can be distressing and I have watched many a woman whisper things about me to other do-gooders. That isn't very Christian and this is how I know they have other sides to them than their Christian side as well-so drink up my friend... it is time to par-tay.

My ugly side. This only comes out when you are a good enough friend to sleep with me in the same bed after a night of heavy drinking in a foreign country. I smell of vomit and alcohol and my breath is atrocious... but you know I really love you dearly if I let you see me like this. My husband has seen me like this on many occasions, our honeymoon being one of them.

My "horrible person" side. This is the side where I cry about what a horrible person I am either because I am a bad mom (we all feel this way from time to time) or I am a bad wife (another place we all visit.) You are a good friend when I tell you about my insecurities and failures.

My "who gives a shit" side. This is the side that I show a lot of people, because sometimes I just don't give a shit what you think of me.

My "I am trapped in my house" side. This is my complaining side, when I complain about my kids, husband, parents, other friends, neighbors, dog, Target cashiers, mailman, and the finale to the Sopranos.

My "I'll do anything for you" side. If you are a military wife, or a person who has ever been in need of something-you have seen this side of me.

My "me so horny" side. I must admit that my husband is the only one who benefits from this side, but it is brought on by full moons, alcohol, and ovulation, and I am a handful. Lock up your husbands girls... I may try to come on to them with my slurred words and my loud laughter all rounded out by a good fart and a pass out.

My "mom" side. This is the side I show other moms at the park or at ballet class. It is the side where I am defined completely by the children that have sprung forth from my loins.

My "no bra" side. This is another side only a few have seen. It is the side where I am comfortable enough with you to go bra-less. This is usually accompanied by morning breath, bedhead and a breakfast table.

My "I'll be at your funeral" side. This is the side where I know I will be your friend for life and one day I will be at your funeral-or you will be at mine... which ever happens first. I hope I pack the Church!


Laura The Crazy Mama said...

Oh my gosh, I have all those same sides!!!!! I feel bad sometimes that I don't have too much of that "sweet mom" side, you know the one...the one where the mom is all calm and sweet and talks to her children in baby-talk? I talk to my kids like they are 20 all the time. I get what you mean about being suspicious of the "good Christian side of others". I just sat and stared at my friend the other day (a good Christian) we were talking about a friend of hers and how she had had an allergic reaction at her house so I asked her, "Oh, does she smoke?" and my friend looked right at me and said, "Oh NO!...she's a Christian!" Ummmmm. I don't see where if you smoke it means you're not Christian? Weird.

Shauna said...

I'd love to hang out with all of you. But not at the same time.

kristi said...

You sound a LOT like me. I am a Christian, but I will say a cussword, or 3 or 4 if I am mad!

diana said...

I wish you were my friend...thats the kind of friend I have been looking for!