8.03.2008

There Is No Easy Way To Do This...

We have a week left before Carl deploys to the desert. Have I mentioned that to you all? I am sure I have... yes, he is deploying for 365 days-for those who have a hard time with simple math, that equals one year.

It is always a horrible place to be in when you have a good-bye looming over your head. I want to make everything a pleasant memory, but that doesn't always work out. My heart wants bunnies and rainbows and my brain demands hand grenades and sword fights. I think it is a way of protecting myself... I am talking about the numerous fights we seem to be getting into for no apparent reason lately. Something inside of me is very messed up to think that it will be easier to say good-bye to him if I am pissed off because he left his boxer shorts on the back of the toilet tank instead of tossing them in the hamper.

Usually his little quirks blow over me like a light breeze, but the past few days have been different. I about threw his toothbrush away this morning because I don't know why he can't just put it away like a normal human being. Why does he have to leave it dripping on the sink so that I have to go back and wipe up the water spot? And then there are his tennis shoes. They are big and he leaves them at the foot of my side of the bed. Every night I trip over them when I get up to go pee. Why does he do this? Is he trying to make me insane? Don't even get me started on all of the desert gear that is strewn across the house right now because he is getting ready to pack. He has been getting ready to pack for a month now... just pack! Get the crap out of my eyesight so that my brain does not explode when I look at one more pair of military boots sitting in my formal dining room!

I know, I know, you are saying "Man June-you are not nice. Give the guy a break!" I get that... and I have been trying my hardest to give him a break, but then my heart will break even more the day he leaves.

You don't understand. My best friend is leaving for a year. Not just a week, or a month... a year. The depth of my sorrow in this matter cannot even be described on a simple blog. I want to scream "Don't Go!" but I can't. It is his job-his life. I know that all of the little things that are driving me batty right now (like the fact that when he drives my van he turns off the radio and the air conditioning so when I get in and start to drive down the street I suddenly realize that I am sweating like a pig and my favorite tune is not playing.) are just a defense mechanism for my heart-the heart that wants bunnies and rainbows but is going to get a lot of pain in a week when he goes.

What am I going to do?

43 comments:

Laura said...

My heart goes out to you.
I can't imagine the anxiety you must feel. Prayers and good thoughts for you.


(My brother's been in Iraq since May....but that is a different anxiety.)

Barb, sfo said...

My prayers are with you, your family and your husband.

Jen said...

I understand you completely, I am an Army wife. We go through the same thing before he leaves every time, it is the worst feeling in the world. Mine left in October, and is not due back until Feb 09, although he was home in June for his R and R. I feel for you, and I am truly sorry that we all have to go through this. Smile though, because he loves you.

Aimee said...

If it's any consolation, I threw my husband's sea bag at him and we fought non stop the week before he left.

That was a couple years ago and we are now in civ. land, but the memory is crystal clear. It sucks. I'm praying for you and your family.

(And tell him you'll make it up to him when he gets back! That's how we got child #3!)

Mau said...

Oh, June, I am so sorry, but thank you for the sacrifice you and your family are making. You will be in my prayers. God bless and protect you and yours.

In JMJ

The Farmer's Wife said...

Thank you so much for the sacrafices you and your family are making. May God bless you all and return him home safely to you. I'm sending hugs and prayers your way.

Hilary said...

Survive. And you will. My heart goes out to you. I have a son gearing up for his military career. He'll be deployed within three years.. I know not where. But my heart will break and my life will change. But I'll survive. And you will too. And so will they. (and he knows exactly why you're pissed off.. and that's ok too). :)

Cousin Steve said...

I started to write one of my funny comments (I think their funny) about peeing in the middle of the night. Because I don't know what to say. I feel for you, Carl, and the kids. I wish there was something I could do to ease all your pain. I am just looking forward to the next time I get to be with all of you. It warms my heart so much to see you guys.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

P.S. Just because he's leaving, doesn't mean he leave his toothbrush anywhere. Has he no compassion for OCD. What you need is a squirt gun, it worked for the dog!

Anonymous said...

Cris,
Sounds like he doesn't really want to leave you and the kids; and you all don't want him to go...but go he must and you must let him go...and that sucks! Like Cousin Steve, I too wish I could write someting that would make it all okay...just don't have any idea what that might be. Just remember you have the love of your family with you all the way!!! Tell Carl we are proud of him; we love him and will keep all of you in our prayers. And we won't forget to vote in November!
Love always,
Aunt Barbara

Aubrey said...

My heart aches for you. We'll keep Carl and all military men and women in our prayers.

stupidfathobbit said...

I like Cousin Steve and I think he's funny but I think he's going soft on you. Suck it up you big whiner.

Okay, here's what you're going to do...You're going to keep teaching your kids, running your house and loving your husband and family. You're going to drink a little, cry a little, laugh a little, and die a little. You're going to take a deep breath every time the phone rings and you don't reconize the number on the caller ID. You're going to sing. You're going to keep writing in this blog because it truly is therapy. And finally, you're going to rely on good friends who sometimes try to make you laugh when you just want to cry.
Tell Carl to behave himself and know that the Hobbit household is open to you if you ever miss NOVA (though why you would is beyond me). We'll be praying for you and your family every day.

God bless you,
The Hobbit

momto5minnies said...

I don't know what it is like to have a husband leave for that long. I will certainly pray for his safety and your sanity as this seems like such a long time. I am sure your children will be quite sad too.

(((HUGS)))) to you Cris ...

Maybe blogging will give you some diversion.

Anonymous said...

Hi!, Just wanted to give you a virtual HUG and say, Hello. I found your blog last year when my husband who is AF deployed to Iraq for a year. Everything you are experiencing and going through right now...we did too. Girl, I know...and I can also tell you, you will walk through the pain...it just doesn't feel like it right now. Keep writing and get connected with family and friends...I got so connected with my family, they drove me nutz, and I learned to appreciate the solitude:) Prayers for you, your family and your DH. Thinking of you all...Another AF Wife:)

Michelle said...

{{{hugs}}}

I remember a civilian friend looking at all the gear in our tiny living room. I said, "When it's gone, he's gone. So I tolerate it."

Rough times, honey.

On the bright side, he will be The Perfect Husband in about two weeks. In two months you will have convinced yourself that he would never ever do anything to annoy you. And in 6 months, he will have achieved near-deity status.

I'll be praying for you all.

Owens Family Adventures said...

I'm an Air Force Wife....I feel for you. I know that nothing we can say will make you feel better so just know that there are those of us out here who feel your pain and will be with you this next year...checking in on you...sending posts of sympathy, caring, understanding. Now go sit by your man and breath in the scent of him. It will get you through.
dawn

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

My heart is breaking for you. I can't imagine how hard this must be on your whole family.

When my husband has a business trip, I just want him to hurry up and go so he can get back home. I imagine that's what you are feeling only on a much larger scale.

I will be keeping you and your whole family in my prayers.

Mary Poppins NOT said...

Hey Cris,

I wish there was more I could do but say, "I'll pray for you", but that's all I've got. I have a big "goodbye" coming up soon, so I can relate to the mental anguish, and rather desperate feeling invoked by seeing off loved ones. I will pray for you, and offer confidence that you are up to the task required of you. God bless!

Anonymous said...

Cris,
And you can always come to NWI for Thanksgiving!
Love,
Aunt Barbara

southernjoy said...

((((hugs))))

Marva said...

Cris,

What great advice everyone has already given you. No one left anything meaningful for me to say! Just wanted to say we're thinking about you guys and hoping the next year fast-forwards for you.

Much love,
Marva

annemcd said...

Ditto, ditto, ditto! I have great respect and admiration for millitary wives-- I'd never make it! I was a wreck when my dh was out of town on business for five days ONCE. Many prayers for you, your husband, and your family. May St. Michael and St. Joseph protect him and pray for him, and THANK YOU for all his (and your!!) service and sacrifice for our country-- it is greatly, greatly appreciated!!!

AGSoccerMom said...

Thank you and your husband for the sacrafices you have made the sake of our country.
God Bless

Carrie Hasson said...

you have me in tears. and usually you have me in stitches. I do understand. mine left for 6 mo. a few months ago. the week before he left was HORRIBLE. you really said everything I felt, and you said it so well. you are begging for time, but time doesn't seem to go fast enough. you're never in synch, you're never close enough, yet you can't really stand to be too close. because you know what's coming, and he can't survive if you don't let him go. take a big hard swallow, do what you're doing, don't have expectations this week, don't try to pack it all in cuz that's what wil kill you. let him pack for a week, because the stuff he leaves behind and doesn't take you'll want to look at strewn all around the house for weeks to come. the worst is when they've been gone awhile, you're starting to get in a groove and there at the bottom of the laundry pile are his dirty drawers. it's like who put these in here?! i wish i could say it'll get easier, it does and then it doesn't. right now i'm having an easier day. each day is different. just remember you are not alone. and take each day as it comes, and as an opportunity to prove to yourself that love prevails and you can make it day to day without your best friend telling you all the million little things you'll miss. even if it is, honey, did you pay the Gov't card! my thoughts are with you this week and my prayers are with your family.

Dad29 said...

They are big and he leaves them at the foot of my side of the bed. Every night I trip over them when I get up to go pee. Why does he do this?

First off, thank you and thanks to your husband for the sacrifices.

As a husband, might I gently suggest that you relieve yourself BEFORE going to bed?

We will pray for his safe return, as well as for you and the chilluns.

Anonymous said...

Dont' worry your little sister will be there soon!
I love you Cris!
Claire

"D" AKA CI-Roller Dude said...

Mrs Cleaver, Eddy Haskel and I would like to let you know we're not going to say all that touchy feely stuff everyone else does.... but, We're going to get on the sipernet and contact the big guy upstairs and tell him to watch out for him.... we have connections...
When I was made the bossncoic of our teams in Baghdad, I had one rule:"Nobody gets hurt"
It was simple, but it work. I suggest that you issue the came order.... do it right away and make sure you do it with a command voice....not your inside voice.

Let the CI-Roller know if you need anything.

Soul Pockets said...

We will be praying for you and your family.

Diva Mom Vicki said...

I got nothing inspiring or witty for a comment.

Just know your family will be in our family's prayers. The men and women who serve to defend our freedom are truly heroes.

Soliloquy said...

I'll TELL you what you're going to do! You're going to rely on your bloggy buddies for the next year to be here for you - listen and validate you and THANK YOU for sacrificing a year of time with your husband for the freedom of our country.

I'm here. Not going anywhere, friend.

PRAYING FOR YOU this week.

Urban Mom said...

Your post and the replies have me nearly in tears. And I'm endlessly grateful to you and your husband for this sacrifice. I wish I had some sort of advice -- I don't, certainly nothing that would add too the good words that you have here. But my heart and prayers go out to you.

Anonymous said...

Yes,you can say, We have your back!

Kasia said...

I can't say anything that someone else hasn't said.

So, just figure this is a long-distance hug. And I'll pray for you and for Carl.

Mrs. W said...

A friend sent me a link to your blog months ago and on some days, it gives me the laugh I need to get through the day.

Here's hoping we can do the same with a hug and a prayer- your family will be in my thoughts!

And I truly thank you and your family for the sacrifices you have made and continue to make every day.
Godspeed-

David L Alexander said...

"What am I going to do?"

Admit that you're angry because he's leaving, and there's nothing you can do about it. Admit that in three months you'll live with him leaving his shoes on the floor for you to trip over just to know that he's home. Hang on to that until he's back safe and sound.

Jeb Stuart was right: War is hell. Heroes do the job nobody else wants to do. That's what makes him who he is.

He's your hero. He's a hero for all of us.

God bless America. HOO-rah.

Cassie said...

I lurk a lot and almost never post, but just wanted you to know that Carl, and your whole family, will remin in my prayers. Tell him thank you for his service. God bless you all.

keller said...

Hi! found your blog and have been reading for a few months now. My dh is air force also and is deployed right now, but only for 6 months this time. I know exactly what you're feeling in this blog. Exactly. For me, the leading up to him leaving is the hardest because you're emotionally so out of sorts. Once he's gone, we get back into our crazy routine and things settle down a bit, although it's much harder to be 18 places at once since he's not here to help and to be with at the end of the day.

When they come home is a whole other adjustment that you would think would be nothing but great, but it has its own stress.

This time next year we'll be retired and I know I will miss this crazy military life!

Hang in there!!

Jacqueline said...

God loves your heart, and He wants you to rest and trust in Him. Rant and rave, He is big enough to handle it... all He wants is for you to look to Him and know that you are loved. Hold tight to that, and He will sustain you in your times of pain and joy. He is God. He is watching.
I am praying for... you... Carl...and family.

Anonymous said...

thanks Jacqueline, we all needed to hear that.
Regards,
Aunt Barbara

Trina said...

I can feel your pain. I was just away from my husband for a month and a half and it was like purgatory. I cannot imagine a whole year.

CPT Mom said...

Everytime my husband has to leave, we always spend the last week fighting. It is that way with every military family I know. It's the stress and the anticipation of all of the unknowns.

You will get through it! It will suck. You will trudge on. Somedays will be hard and some days will be harder. But, your family will be stronger because of it. And our country, as well.

Surround yourself with a good group of friends. Other military wives who can understand. And those who will take your kids on the hard days. Take breaks! Get a sitter and get out and laugh with friends. And send lots of packages. It was theraputic for me.

This is what got me through my 22 month deployment. It's the only advice I've got.

Praying for you, sister.

There's army strong and then there's army wife strong. Hooah!

CPT Mom said...

I just noticed you are air force...

There's Air Force Strong and then there's Air Force wife strong.

:)

~ Straight Shooter ~ said...

I just looked at the date of this post. It is getting close to his departure date. I don't have a lick of good advice. I just plain suck when I am seperated from Big Shooter.
All I'll say is, "Keep your focus on something other than the obvious." Concentrate on schooling your precious ones, beign Momma, and it won't be over - but it will be better.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

June and Carl,

May God bless you and your family. Thank you for your service and sacrifice.