I woke up this morning and went about my day not thinking of putting on any make up or even doing my hair. Why really, I only have my children to impress and they have seen me in many different interpretations. They have seen me sitting on the toilet when they barge in to tell me that one of them is bleeding, they have seen me in the shower with sudsy hair when they barge in to tell me that the dog poo'd on the carpet, they have seen me in the middle of the night with my hair sticking straight up and my mascara smeared half way down my face when they scream at the top of their lungs that they are thirsty, they have seen me passed out on a bathroom floor on Christmas even! Oh, don't be so "I can't believe your children have seen you passed out!" with me. The turkey was taking entirely too long and the wine was oh so good and Britney Spears was celebrating the holiday with us. I couldn't help it.
Anyway, the only time I wear make-up and nice clothes in on the weekend when my husband is home. I want him to think I am putting forth an effort... actually I don't want him to look at me and realize that I am just an average housewife who wears blue jeans and a sweatshirt every single stinking day of my life!
I go about my day looking completely natural. It never bothers me... that is until I come face to face with someone who looks absolutely fabulous and I am left feeling deflated and frumpy.
That is what happened today. I went to the store real fast to buy some new jeans. I have been wearing size 10 for the past few months and I only have 2 pair of jeans that have become a staple in my wardrobe and I wash 4 times a week, so I decided that it was time to buy another pair to even out the stakes. Well, while in the dressing room, I quickly discovered that the size 10 Levi's I was trying on WERE TOO BIG! I thought it was maybe a fluke because all women know that no two pair of jeans are the same and you could fit into a size 10 in one pair and a size 6 in another. It is insane. So I tried on 4 more pair of size 10 Levi's and wouldn't you know it but THEY WERE ALL TOO BIG! I had to leave the dressing room and pick out some size 8's. Guess what? THEY ALL FIT! I was overjoyed. I felt like I was on cloud nine...
As I was walking out of the store whistling to myself and fantasizing about the modeling contracts that would be coming in for me, I bumped into one of the mom's from my 4 year old's ballet waiting room. She is the perfect mom. The one who ALWAYS looks put together with her perfect nails and her perfect make-up (I wouldn't doubt it if those eyebrows of hers are tattooed on) and her perfect hair.... did I mention her perfect size 4 frame? Yes, so there I was standing like an Amazon woman with my old jeans on and my Oklahoma sweatshirt in front of little Miss Perfect. The thing that really irritates me is that she is actually very nice... so nice that I can't help but like her (she must be Irish-we can sniff each other out.)
We exchanged our greetings and off she bounced into the store (to probably buy a pair of size 4 jeans) and I climbed into my minivan. I pulled down the mirror and took a good look at myself.
Tomorrow I am going to do my hair and make-up. I may even go get some fake nails put on... and I just called the "permanent make-up" salon to get an estimate on my eyebrows. They said they could do it for $400.
Maybe I'll just go to a tattoo parlor and get a big ol' tattoo on my butt that says "KISS MY..." I mean, get a tattoo on my SIZE 8 butt that says "KISS MY STEADILY SHRINKING..." Yeah, that's it.
One day, maybe even tomorrow, I'll be beautiful.