The other day I was invited to a meet and greet type of a party. It was one of those get togethers that come about purely because your children have common interests and since our lives are dictated by the activities that our children do, many people look for their own friends within the parental circles that their children run in. It does not matter if your kids don't like each other, if my Billy and your Tommy are both on the same baseball team well then let's be friends!
I loathe this type of friendship corralling.
Anyway, so I am at this "will you be my new friend" get together and I notice that the mother/woman who was hosting this party was one of those completely put together type of moms. They kind that has perfect hair, perfect nails, the perfect size 6 pants, the perfect husband, the perfect kids, the perfect dog... but you and I both know that when she is not putting on her perfect display she picks her nose and screams at her children. No one is perfect... and we all know there is no such thing as a perfect husband. They all fart and leave the seat up-I promise.
The perfect woman who would make the perfect friend decided to play the perfect game. We all sat in a circle around her perfect living room and ate little perfect quiches off of little perfect plates that all matched each other. She said this, "Some things taste better in combination. Strawberries and rhubarb, oatmeal and brown sugar, pineapples and coconut. Let's all go around the room and tell everyone something about ourselves and what your favorite flavor combination is!"
I sat and listened to woman after woman tell us about their 2.5 children and their hobby of scrapbooking and baking. The combinations were things like strawberries and chocolate, cake and icing, and cookies and milk.
I sat thinking "Yeah... RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT."
I realized that I was the last person in the circle. I would be the last to tell something about myself. I decided right then and there that I would be the first one to speak the truth!
I sat straight up and said, "My name is Marilyn Monroe, I have 4 kids so far who are rapidly depleting my retirement fund, I write a blog everyday and flip off people who jog for exercise as I drive past them on the street. I am a devout Catholic who does not want to talk to you about evolution or sex scandals. Oh, and my favorite flavor combination is a tie between pretzels and beer and vodka and raspberry tea."
I think it is safe to say that I will not be invited back. Thank God!