9.27.2007

Hi, My Name Is...

The other day I was invited to a meet and greet type of a party. It was one of those get togethers that come about purely because your children have common interests and since our lives are dictated by the activities that our children do, many people look for their own friends within the parental circles that their children run in. It does not matter if your kids don't like each other, if my Billy and your Tommy are both on the same baseball team well then let's be friends!

I loathe this type of friendship corralling.

Anyway, so I am at this "will you be my new friend" get together and I notice that the mother/woman who was hosting this party was one of those completely put together type of moms. They kind that has perfect hair, perfect nails, the perfect size 6 pants, the perfect husband, the perfect kids, the perfect dog... but you and I both know that when she is not putting on her perfect display she picks her nose and screams at her children. No one is perfect... and we all know there is no such thing as a perfect husband. They all fart and leave the seat up-I promise.

The perfect woman who would make the perfect friend decided to play the perfect game. We all sat in a circle around her perfect living room and ate little perfect quiches off of little perfect plates that all matched each other. She said this, "Some things taste better in combination. Strawberries and rhubarb, oatmeal and brown sugar, pineapples and coconut. Let's all go around the room and tell everyone something about ourselves and what your favorite flavor combination is!"

I sat and listened to woman after woman tell us about their 2.5 children and their hobby of scrapbooking and baking. The combinations were things like strawberries and chocolate, cake and icing, and cookies and milk.

I sat thinking "Yeah... RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT."

I realized that I was the last person in the circle. I would be the last to tell something about myself. I decided right then and there that I would be the first one to speak the truth!

I sat straight up and said, "My name is Marilyn Monroe, I have 4 kids so far who are rapidly depleting my retirement fund, I write a blog everyday and flip off people who jog for exercise as I drive past them on the street. I am a devout Catholic who does not want to talk to you about evolution or sex scandals. Oh, and my favorite flavor combination is a tie between pretzels and beer and vodka and raspberry tea."

I think it is safe to say that I will not be invited back. Thank God!

26 comments:

Special K ~Toni said...

*snort* I was reading and thinking to myself- beer and pretzels!

Anonymous said...

LOL!!!
Mine is a quiet house and a good shower massage!
Oops sorry...I guess those aren't flavors...but they are perfect together!

Jess said...

Good thing I didn't have diet pepsi in my mouth -- otherwise my desk would need a bath.

Dana said...

I was thinking beer and pizza but vodka and rasberry tea works too. Way to stand out from the crowd!

Kasia said...

ROFL - if you do make a friend there, you know you'll be friends for life!!!

Anonymous said...

I'll just bet that after you spoke they all wanted to go around the room again and say what they really wanted to say the first time! Hilarious!
BJK

Anonymous said...

Oh, and speaking of Marilyn Monroe. The other day when UPS delivered a package to the office...Yep!, I signed for it as Marilyn Monroe! Great minds think alike!!!
BJK

:o) said...

Oh please, you need to tell the snooty von snootville's reaction!!

Did they smirk in distain at you or give the deer in headlights look?

Michelle said...

Gin...and tonic. Nothing is better than that.

+JMJ+ said...

Ah, Michelle that is refeshing but I must remark on the combo of tequila and lime and the sweet elixir of life...coffee and cream.

Love you blog and your gumption "June". ;)

Cris said...

Aunt Barb, I always say Marilyn Monroe because mom told me the story of Grandma Mac introducing herself as Marilyn at a woman's coffee because she thought it was boring to just say her name like everyone else. Priceless.

Momto5Minnies said...

Oh my ... I think your honesty is refreshing and WAY MORE FUN than those prim and proper ladies ;)

Heather B. said...

This was freakin' hysterical!! I'm well certain the look on everyone's perfect little face was priceless!! Thanks for standing up for the rest of us "real Moms" and being honest!! I'm partial to the combo of Amaretto & Pepsi myself!!
Speaking of which......

Kasia said...

Oh, no. Jack and Coke, all the way. Especialy with a twist of lime. :-)

Entropy said...

Beautiful answer!!

I like that raspberry rum and lemonade. Mmm.

Anonymous said...

Missed opportunity.


Cigarettes and poteen.


And you call yourself Irish.

~KH

Pete or Kathryn said...

Thats like when I was homeschooling (not anymore) and went to a "support" group meeting where the Moms had to go around the table and name that one thing that made their day as a homeschooler easier. No one thought it was funny when I said "a little kaula in my coffee"

Kathryn

Anonymous said...

Cris,
That must have been at an Altar and Rosary meeting! She just loved to go to those meetings!
So now we can blame it on heredity! Perfect! A valid excuse for our craziness!
Love, Aunt Barb
ps I sure do miss her! She would have been 97 this October 10th.

sodaboy said...

i never got the beer and pretzels combo- i think the only bagged finger type food beer really goes with are tortillas with salsa.

Suburban Oblivion said...

LOVE it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anna said...

Appletini and 7 layer bean dip...

Cris said...

Sodaboy, you are not doing it right if you don't like beer and pretzels. You have to pop a pretzel in your mouth and start sucking the salt off of it. You then take a swig of beer and drink down the beer and salt combinaton. Your pretzel can now be broken in your mouth and you take another swig of beer in order to make the pretzel good and soggy with the golden liquid and swallow it all down.
Perfection...
I do agree with you on the chips and salsa--but if you ask me, chips and salsa goes with everything! I could eat it everyday.

Anonymous said...

How about Rose's watermelon mixer and a shot of vodka? Mmmmmmm, good!

sodaboy said...

you are very passionate about this.

i will try harder to like pretzels and beer. i promise.

chestertonian said...

Cigarettes and beer. Nothing gets these types of "perfect" momns into more of a hissy fit than mentioning cigarettes favorably.

So cay cigarettes and beer. Or cigars and wine. Or cigars and beer. Or cigarettes and wine. or beer and wine (but the headaches suck). Or cigarettes and cigars. At the same time.

Jeez, Chris. how could you stand to sit there for so long? I'd have ripped a giant fart and left.

Anonymous said...

I just discovered your blog...and I want to be your friend...even if you are boring in real life, as you say! :-)