Bill Gates Hates Me...

I think Microsoft is out to get me... and I may have brought this war upon myself. It seems that every time I am doing something of great importance on my computer, like writing my blog or making out my fantasy football roster, Microsoft will freeze up my screen and send me a little note that says "Tell Microsoft about this problem."

Long ago I used to ignore this prompt and not tell Microsoft about this problem. I didn't want to be sending error reports because I didn't want to be a computer narc. I didn't want to be a burden.

Now I send them those friggen' error reports several times a day. I am starting to think that the more error reports I send, the more errors I will have on my computer. It is a conspiracy I tell you.

I keep picturing a computer nerd, we'll call him Dwight, sitting at his big Microsoft computer at the Microsoft headquarters that are buried deep within the earth's core. Every time I send an error report he snorts, "Look! That June Cleaver woman who thinks she is so witty is sending me another error report! I'll show her!" and then Dwight sends me a vast array of errors to my computer so that he can picture me sitting at my little computer pulling my hair out. Dwight is evil!

Last night I had my revenge on old Dwight. My computer had to shut down my blog surfing enjoyment because I what? Was trying to click onto too many blogs about Britney Spears? Puleez! I clicked on the "X" button at the top right of my screen a good 100 times... so then I had to click on the "end program" button 100 times, which in return asked me if I wanted to send an error report to Microsoft (aka Dwight) 100 times. I clicked YES 100 times and sat feeling confident in the fact that if Dwight thought he was going to get home in time for dinner (and rest assured, Dwight's home is still with his mother and she was making his favorite meatloaf and jell-o) he was sorely mistaken. Dwight would be sitting at the earth's core for several more hours.

Today when I clicked my computer on it hummed happily and has done everything I have asked it to do. I have won this round with Microsoft, but I know that Dwight is out there waiting for me to get good and comfortable and start something very important like a chapter of my book where I will forget to save it every 30 seconds and Dwight will send me that error that causes all things that are not saved to be lost making me throw my computer across the room and then call my husband with a few choice words about how unfair life is and how it is somehow his fault!

Curse you Bill Gates! (shaking my fists in rage!) Curse you!


Anonymous said...

Did you say meatloaf and jello...that sounds so goooood! I must be hungry...I just couldn't get past the meatloaf and jello...I think I will make some for dinner tonight! You go June, tell Dwight what you think...he can take it...his mother makes him meatloaf and jello!!!

chestertonian said...

Gorammit, Cris, you changed your blog again!!

I hate change. Now I need a beer.

Biddy said...


i work in the tech center for our school district, and the boss sent us an email that said to not send the error report because it really does jack with your computer...

but i'm glad you won this round!

oh and i like the new bloggy look!

Hilary said...

Stymie Dwight, and solve your problems once and for all.. get a Mac!

You made me laugh.. thanks for that. :)

Momto5Minnies said...

If you can, I would say "See YA BILL!" and "Hello Steve Jobs!"

The other side is calling ...

Julie said...

Come June...come to the good side...go into the light...where your shiny new Mac is waiting for you.

Mary Poppins NOT said...

I have read this post three times just so I can here the flippin' great song you got going on here. Love it!

Anonymous said...

Dear Cris,
I also click the report error button again and again and again and again...BTW I love love love your blog! You are funny and frank and funny, and BTW did I mention that you are really funny?

m2 said...

Should've bought a Mac. You know your hubby can get a 10% discount when buying a Mac, right?

Grace Marie said...

25 things about dwight by the actor that plays him

1. I would make a beautiful woman.
2. My wife is way funnier than I am.
3. I once thought it would be a good idea to be a pipe smoker like Sherlock Holmes or The Hef. I was 19.
4. I am "just not that into" seeing that new dating movie.
5. I know why the caged bird sings. To make female birds think he's sensitive.
6. I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. This causes a lot of injuries for me.
7. I've got 99 problems and a fish ain't one of them.
8. Fact: My mother wanted to name me Thucydides.
9. Maize: My people call it corn.
10. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop? One, with my ­incredibly acidic saliva.
11. I believe in universal health care for every planet except Earth.
12. Unlike most, I feel John Oates is overrated.
13. I am 6-foot-1 and 5/6 inches.
14. I frigging hate negative people. They suck.
15. I once took a girl on a date and refused to pay for her movie ticket because, as a feminist, I was ideologically opposed to the idea. Never saw her again. I was 19.
16. If I see a fire extinguisher, I have to play with it.
17. When I was a child, I stepped on my pet gerbil, Frederick. My dad gave him a funeral flush.
18. I think Mary Todd Lincoln was a ­stone-cold fox.
19. I always thought the lyrics to "Jet ­Airliner" by the Steve Miller Band went "Big ol' Chad and the lineup."
20. I once put my left foot in while ­doing the hokeypokey and was unable to take it out for three days.
21. I'm an expert juggler, chess player and Call of Duty sniper.
22. I dance like a girl when Madonna's "Into the Groove" comes on.
23. Fact: My two favorite shows are Lost and Sesame Street.
24. My stunt double on The Office is a marionette.
25. I wish there was a Home Surgery Network.
-your biggest fan!! grace s