10.20.2008

Google Thinks You Are A Nobody...

Somehow I found myself in a very strange place today. I was alone and the house was quiet. I know... crazy. I did not know what to do with myself. I thought of doing some laundry or loading the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, but I quickly regained my lazy persona and decided to surf the web instead of actually doing something constructive. It is a rarity that I have a quiet house so I was not going to waste it by doing chores! Puleez!

I sat at my computer and thought... "what to do, what to do." I thought of things to write on this blog and came up with nothing (unless you wanted to read a post on the lady bugs that have invaded our house that aren't really lady bugs but their nasty orange cousins that fool us into thinking they are nice lady bugs.) I thought of balancing the checkbook, but that would fall under the "chore" category as well so I was not going there. I thought of browsing You Tube, but I have never really gotten into You Tube and if I did decide to browse it I would sit there are search for things like "new babies" or "puppies" and you know as well as I do that that would be a waste of my free time... and I would either end up at a Pet Store or buying ovulation kits so you can see that I need to avoid You Tube at all cost.

So I sat there poised, wondering what to do when I decided to start googling people from my past. I have never done this before... well, OK, maybe once of twice, but I have only googled my parents-which came up with something from the Irish Mafia that I quickly clicked off of because I have been trained since I was a child that you just don't question where the extra money comes from or why there is a severed finger in the freezer. I have also goggled my husband-which came up with nothing, my sisters-which again... nothing, and my in-laws which came up with stuff about Swiss Bank accounts that I made sure I saved to my favorites.

Today I started googling childhood friends, my high school boyfriends, and finally all of the people who were ever mean to me growing up... Ellen G, I am talking about you-where ever you are... either in jail or in Hollywood.

I don't know what I was expecting, but I would have thought that at least ONE person from my past would have been a huge success... but in the end I realized that they were all big disappointments. The saddest thing is that I saw how old I am getting. I cannot remember people's last names to save my life. It is very hard to google "John F-something, who lived on 86th St. I think and has a sister, or was it a brother, and a dad with the same name." Google gave me nothing on him. I did find one old boyfriend who I am happy to report was fat. That made me feel better after I read that he is part of some "Millionaire Club."

Finally I googled myself. Apparently I am a nobody as well since Google has no idea who the hell I am. What does this stupid computer know anyway.

What about you? Go Google yourself and see what you discover. I bet you may just be a professional football player or a underground musician and you didn't even know it!

22 comments:

Teri said...

A couple years ago when I discovered Google for the first time, I typed in my name and was slightly horrified to discover that I am an inflatable sex doll. (I'm not kidding!) I didn't know whether to laugh or immediately go legally change my name.

My maiden name was German, hard-to-pronounce, and always misspelled. Then I became Teri Love and it took months to take myself seriously. I was afraid people would think I was making it up. Then it just became familiar. Until I Googled myself. It's awful! I've said since then that if I ever introduce myself to a man and he noticeably flinches when he hears my name, I'll know what illicit purchases he's made online. Egad!

Annie said...

Tina Turner...before the stage name. That's who google thinks I am.

Nobody You Know said...

Google knows me. Scary but true. I'm not famous or a felon, but if you knew my real name you could google me and know way too much about me.

I always pray my family doesn't ever google me. Some things are better left unsaid.

Shannon said...

Google knows me as well...well, knows my race stat's. Other than that, google knows what HS I graduated from, but that's about it.

Robert M. Lindsey said...

I wrote "The Falcon and the Snowman." Quite a feat, since I was about 10 when that book was written.

Kathleen's world said...

Hey -- I've done this before and am always amazed at how talented I am: I'm a judge, an author, a doctor, an actress, a fishery owner, a lawyer, a psychotherapist, a judge ... and more.
Who knew I was so talented?

Kasia said...

Apparently there's a journalist on the West Coast by the same name as me (which is interesting, since Katie Orloff isn't an especially common name). She even has hate pages set up to her.

There are a few legitimate hits to me, but most of them are about twenty years out of date...

june said...

Kathleen... you know what I said that everyone from my childhood was a disappointment, I was not thinking of you! You are the only success I know... well, you and a certain Ellen G person we both know who, the last I heard she was a stripper in Vegas. You can make a lot of money taking off your clothes!

Christine said...

The "severed finger" made me lol. thanks for the smile today.

I am a nobody also.....and really do not mind after seeing the movie Ransom with Mel Gibson. Would totally freak me out if I was famous and someone would want my kids.

Anonymous said...

Google..haven't done it...afraid of what I might find.
Oh, and youtube...check out dizzy bat at the link below...I LOVE the guy in the white shirt!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2fVUy-PV8Q

Ryan and I almost peed out pants laughing so hard.

Love you
Claire

Anonymous said...

Google..haven't done it...afraid of what I might find.
Oh, and youtube...check out dizzy bat at the link below...I LOVE the guy in the white shirt!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2fVUy-PV8Q

Ryan and I almost peed out pants laughing so hard.

Love you
Claire

Anonymous said...

Google..haven't done it...afraid of what I might find.
Oh, and youtube...check out dizzy bat at the link below...I LOVE the guy in the white shirt!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2fVUy-PV8Q

Ryan and I almost peed out pants laughing so hard.

Love you
Claire

Eriness said...

Apparently I am a famous collegian tennis star. I always find that amusing since anyone who knows me can tell you how uncoordinated I am when it comes to tennis.

Eriness said...

Also, I found out my a relative's girlfriend has a record and is a fugitive. Now how do you bring that up to someone? Serves me right for snooping, lol.

Kathleen's world said...

And you -- not a failure. After all, you're a world-famous blogger! Oddly enough, someone else from the old days mentioned Ellen G. the other day. I SO can't even picture her anymore. Now I shall only think of her as a stripper.

momto5minnies said...

I can't remember anyone's last names either ... wonder if that is the result of birthing lots of babies ... or alcohol.

When I google my maiden name I get ... Professor of Psychology and Linguistics, but if I google my married name it puts me to my facebook page and that is about it. My married name is very unique and couple that with Elaine ... you really do get "me". I better be good in this lifetime or I can be easily traced ;)

A few years ago Randal Pinkett ... http://www.randalpinkett.com/ (He won on The Apprentice). I sat next to him in drafting class and my husband was really good friends with him.

reluctantoptimist said...

Google doesn't know who I am and I am very, very . . . very happy with that.

the Mom said...

It would seem that I am really a German woman who is a geneticist. Huh. And here all this time I thought I was an Okie who homeschooled.

Anonymous said...

I already know that I am the only person in the country, nay, world, who has my name, so what google comes up with is none other than me. My parents were creative when they named me, and add to it my married name which is just bizarre, and you get a name cheesey novel writers and soap opera stars would kill to use.

Stupid Fat Hobbit said...

I have 2 interesting stories here.
First, I was recently released by my Nigerian Captors after being held for nearly two weeks. I was frightened of course but you know when you're being held captive by people on the other side of the world, it just doesn't have the same effect...
Second, in my hometown, there were at least 4 people with my exact same name, I was not related to any of them and 2 of them are better known on Google than I am!
I'm really not sure if my day has been made or not...

Kasia said...

Oh, I nearly forgot about the woman who found me on Google and e-mailed to ask me about my research (that I don't do) about Native American something-or-other...I think she was German, or maybe Dutch...

annemcd said...

When my college roommate Googled me (pre wedding), she found the president of some gay group in Canada. Um, not me. Now, with my married name, I'm apparently a woman with severe mental disabilities who has done much to improve the lives of others like her.

The real me? A lot less . . . .colorful.