Did She Just Say She Wanted To Prance Around In A Thong???

"OK-that is it! I have had it! I cannot stand myself one more day!" That is what I said to myself this morning when I climbed out of the shower and stood in front of the mirror. I keep giving myself excuses for looking the way I do... I just had a baby 16 months ago, I have four children, my husband just deployed for a year, there is still beer in the fridge so I better drink it, that family size bag of Doritos is not going to eat itself, I talked to my mother-in-law today... I deserve a pint of ice cream!

So today is the day. Today is the day that I start taking care of myself... I hope.

After I dropped off Emma at gymnastics, I ran to Borders to find a book that would help me start taking care of myself. I thought for a brief second that I could have gone to the gym while she was at her class, or I could have even gone for a walk... but I had already showered and even put on make up so I didn't want to have to shower again and re-apply make up. This is going to have to be gradual... working out on my first day of self-loathing would only cause more self-loathing and sore muscles.

While at Borders I browsed the fitness section. I could get these extra 10 lbs off by belly dancing, line dancing, yoga, power yoga, Pilate's, lifting weights, running, walking, spinning, and even stripper pole-dancing. Blech... I want to shed these last few pounds but not that badly. The thought of lifting weights makes me want to barf and I have made it a life policy that I will only run if I am being chased by someone who is wearing a face mask and violently wielding a knife.

A friend of mine teaches Boot Camp here in our hometown. She tried to convince me to come, but I would have to wake up before Christ Himself and on the first day she makes you run a mile while she times you. That alone made me want to never speak to her again for the rest of my life. I could not imagine having to run a mile. First of all, my uterus would fall out and I would pee myself, not to mention the jiggling that would occur and the sheer embarrassment of it all. No thanks.

I picked up a book today that is the answer to my prayers. It is going to make me skinny I just know it! I opened the inside cover to Skinny Bitch and this is what I found:

Are you sick and tired of being fat? Good. If you can't take one more day of self-loathing, you're ready to get skinny. You don't need a degree in biology to get skinny. You don't need to starve yourself to get skinny. You don't need to spend all day at the gym to get skinny. You just need to smarten up and use your head. Really. It is that simple. We have been so brainwashed by fad diets, magazine articles, and advertising that we have forgotten how to think for ourselves.

Skinny Bitch delivers the truth about food, so that you can make intelligent and educated decisions for yourself. This knowledge will empower you to become a skinny bitch.

This is not a diet. This is a way of life. A way to enjoy food. A way to feel healthy, clean, energized and pure. It's time to reclaim your mind and body. It's time to strut your skinny ass down the street like you're in an episode of Charlie's Angels with some really cool song playing in the background. It's time to prance around in a thong like you rule the world. It's time to get skinny.

Boy I'll tell ya... that was exactly what I needed to hear! That was the pep talk of all pep talks. They had me hooked and at the cash register when they said I could prance around in a thong like I rule the world!

They are talking about footwear right? Anyway... wish me luck!


Anonymous said...

Oh gosh..not THAT book again! I saw the authors on Ellen...they gave some "tips" that there is no way on Earth I'd ever do... Then, a friend went out and bought it...decided to become a vegan and never eat anything that comes from any animal ever again!!

I've learned two things about eating...number one, read the sugar content - seriously, you'd be surprised...number two Wei.ght Wat.chers is the best thing - seriously it teaches us to rethink what we put in our mouths and that there are tons of seasonings out there that aren't loaded in fat!!

I'm off my soapbox now... carry on..

Anonymous said...

And at the chamber meeting today I met a gal that is conditioning for the Chicago Marathon. She has lost 150 over the last couple of years and runs 27, count them, 27 miles a day. And last week she added 3lb weights to each ankle.
I could hardly finish the buffalo stew, lasagna, fried chicken, steamed vegatables and fruit salad the chef had prepared for us. I did skip the rolls and butter!
Thank God she wasn't introduced before we starting lunch.
Too bad I didn't walk to and from the meeting! It would have been a good idea!
And that thong...sounds singular to me...maybe you run fast so you can get home before your bare foot takes on an injury!
I say, go get 'em! Keep moving, enjoy the good weather while it lasts!
Aunt Barbara

Anonymous said...

I thought I was the only person on the planet who remembered that we used to wear thongs on our feet! I had several pairs...

Cousin Steve said...

Can I be a skinny bitch too?!!!

On second thought, "Look at that skinny bitch over there." Shouldn't describe such a pure masculine specimen such as myself.

Anonymous said...

cousin steve, HAHAHA!

june cleaver said...

Cousin Steve just lost 20lbs. on a liquid diet. No joke! YEAH FOR BEER!!!

The Whitsitt Family said...

I just looked at this book at Target last night. They didn't have me hooked and I put it back on the shelf. I do hope it works for you though, and can't wait to hear about it.


Jennifer F. said...

Hilarious post.

You should check out the No-S Diet (which I was raving about here), it's similar in its no b.s. tone.


I am slightly bitter towards this diet since I also made it sort of a junk food detox thing (that brilliant idea here) since I was going to get all thin since I was planning to actually go a few months without being pregnant for once. Well, as it turns out, radical detox diets can have radical impacts on your cycle...very, very relevant information for an NFP family. So much for not being pregnant for a few months.

Anyway, great post!

Anonymous said...

Congrats on hitting rock bottom girl! There is a recipe book by these gals too called "Skinny Bitch in the Kitch" - LOL! As I understand, it's vegan recipes, but might be worth a shot!! GOOD LUCK!!!!!! (P.S. I just hit rock bottom myself and have lost 5 lbs just walking!)

Linda up north said...

Ah June.... I am so with you on this. I think that I might be more interested in Cousin Steve's liquid diet, though. ;)

Anna B. said...

They are talking about footwear right?


YOU GO GIRL, I know you can do this...

Anna B. said...

They are talking about footwear right?


YOU GO GIRL, I know you can do this...

Debbie said...

Run a mile and have someone time you? Seriously? I will wear a thong when they put it on my cold, stiff body in the casket but I am MUCH more likely to see that day than to ever intentially run a mile. I can't even drive a mile without resting.
Good luck. And, if you need someone to eat those Doritos for you - I'm your gal.

heidi said...

Good luck to ya! I've lost more weight after having each of my boys than any other time in my life. Something about them not having the stones to process dairy protein so mama has to cut out all things good and holy from her diet.

And I don't run, either. I do love kickboxing. You get to actually kick and hit things and call it exercise. I got to fire my therapist when I started kickboxing.

A few misc. thoughts here...Alcohol CAN lead to pregnancy. Let me introduce you to my third and fourth children.

You need to change your line from 12 people that keep coming back to 13 people because you are seriously funny and I keep coming back.


Have a day!

Anonymous said...

I wear them everyday!! Don't we all?? LOL (On my feet, that is!!)

Teri said...

I love your thoughts on the book and this topic (I could have written the first paragraph myself, our feelings are so similar!) I appreciate your perspective and plan to keep reading!

warren said...

My wife says God only gave her a certain number of heartbeats and she doesn't want to waste them on running...genius!

Cheryl said...

Gee..I may have to look at this book, of course while having a drink with it.

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

I think the girl that wrote that book is a VEGAN!

Of course she's skinny...she's only eating fruits and vegatables.

And of course she's a bitch...she's only eating fruits and vegetables!

Anonymous said...

Running is NOT that bad ladies!! I'm training for a half marathon...and did you know that running/jogging a mile burns 100 calories??

Seriously though, the fad diets, the vegan recipes....we need to stop and look at what we're putting in our mouths!!

Again, good luck!

Susan said...

It's really just so simple. Eat Less. Move More. And you don't have to run. Just walk. We do it everyday. You are still young and have a still have a pretty fast metabolism. Don't wait til you are 50 and saying Holy crap how did I get HERE with this menopot?? Do it now. Eat Less. Move More. And I know you don't like the thought, but weight lifting is the miracle worker. And you don't have to lift much to get it. My best rec: Body for Life for Women by Pamela Peeke, MD. She is funny like you. Good luck.

Stupid Fat Hobbit said...

Oh June, you know that I love you very much so let me just say the following. First, I think that you are smokin' hot and I don't think that Ward would want you to change a thing. Second, no scroll, book, or website, reel to reel, cassette, or CD, VHS, DVD or Motivational Speaker ever MADE a person get up off of the sofa and start doing the things they needed to do to lose a couple of pounds (which you do not need to do). The only person that can make you do these things is you and your good friend Will Power! Now, if you really want to lose a few pounds (did I mention you don't need to?) here is what you do:
1. Sometime each morning get out and walk. Start with a mile but get to 3-4 miles as quickly as you can (do you have hills there?).
2. Eat ALL DAY LONG! 4-6-8 meals per day (almost anything you want). Each meal should be about the size of your fist.
3. Drink a gallon of water each day; again all day long. (yes you will pee a lot, get over it).

Some people look at these steps and say they are easy, some see them as hard but I promise you that if you do them every day (or at least 5 days a week); within two months you will have lost everything you wanted to lose and will be in the best shape you've been in since the first kiddo decided to bless you with their presence.
So, buck up that willpower lady and get to it. You have no idea how important it is to me that you stay healthy and happy. You are so much cheaper than therapy!