12.26.2007

Mistress June On Duty!

Last weekend my husband and I went to a Christmas party. I am not proud, and I fully admit that since the birth of Mary Claire I have basically sat around eating and drinking until I have turned into a chubby mommy. Sometimes chubby looks good on people, on me, well it looks just plain fat.

Since this party was a "semi-formal" event, I had to find a dress that actually fit me. I refused to buy a new dress in the size that I am in now for the same reason that I refuse to buy any new pants. I do not plan on being this size forever and I do believe that one day I will wake up and the sense will be knocked back into me and I will set down the cookies and cakes (don't ask me to set down the beer though-that will never happen my friends.) and get back on the road to looking smokin' hot and all. Today... not so smokin' hot. Not even a little luke warm hot. Today I look like a chubby woman wearing pants a size too small. I fully admit that. If you don't like it, look away.

Anyway, as I was rummaging through my closet I found a simple black dress in a size 8. I considered for a moment slathering my body up with baby oil before attempting to put it on, but I didn't want it to stain. Instead I headed to the store to buy me a pair of "Spanks."

Do you know how much those suckers are? Too much... so I bought a pair of the Hanes knock offs. I may be fat, but I am still money conscious.

That night after my shower and my hair drama, it was time to get dressed. I knew it was time to get dressed because my husband was fully dressed and hovering around me asking me things like "Are you getting close to done?" or "Can you give me a rough estimate as to when you think you may possibly be ready." When he starts to hover, my mood will quickly go from a pleasant one to a bad one. They based the character on the Exorcist movie on my bad moods. So now I was fat, had bad hair, and in a bad mood. Never attempt to put make up on when you are in a bad mood... I think I may have ended up looking a little like Cruella De Vil.

Sooo, it was now time to strap some lycra to my body and squeeze my size 10 hips into a size 8 dress... and my size GAZILLION nursing boobs into a size 8 dress. Success seemed impossible.

When I pulled the Hanes lycra out of the envelope, I thought it was a joke. They looked like they would fit my 4 year old and not me. How in the world was I supposed to put these things on?

There I was, naked, sweating, and huffing and puffing as I pulled and tugged the lycra up my body. I turned to look in the mirror and saw that the lycra was forcing all of the fat from my thighs and butt up... I looked like Santa Clause trying to fit down a chimney. As most of you know, putting pantyhose on is not easy... escalate that torture by 1000 and you will get an idea as to what it is like to get this lycra contraption on.

As I was mid-way through my fat pulling, lycra tugging ordeal, I look up to see my husband watching me. The look on his face was one of horror and defeat. I think he may have been fooling himself about my size as well. All of those fantasies where I look like the 18 year old girl with the size 4 hips and the amazing ta-tas were shattered all because he could not leave me the hell alone when I am getting dressed. I don't feel bad though, and he will eventually stop staring into space and shuttering from time to time... I hope.

Eventually I did it. I was lycra'd up from mid thigh to breast and I was SKINNY! Not as skinny as if I would actually get my rear in gear and work a little, but skinny enough to get that size 8 dress on. Sure, my boobs were spilling out over the top, but they had to-they had no where to go! My thighs were actually so skinny that they did not rub against each other when I walked! My tummy was flat and my butt was small. I had won the victory over the fat! I had tricked it into being sucked back into my body for an evening.

When I took the Lycra off later that evening, it shot across the room and hit my husband square in the face. He woke up screaming that night... something about being eaten by a fat monster. I am not sure what that means, but with a little counseling he should be fine.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

OMG! I have been there too! Never made for a good mood! Even now as I type this I'm looking forward to my first Weight Watcher's meeting!
I have a spare tire that needs to be deflated.
Love,
Aunt B

Michelle said...

This exact same scenario played out at my house last month before the baby's baptism. My husband actually asked me, "Do you need some help?" I said, "Please have the politeness to ignore me right now." So very romantic.

Bekah said...

lol I think I'm going to invest in some of those things. It'd be nice to have all that leftover floating baby weight sucked back into my body like it's supposed to be.

Abbie said...

Oh dear....I have to tell you, I have been LOVING reading your blog for a while now...I know, can you say stalker?? ANYHOO...I feel your pain sister friend, FEEL it. I would be happy to start a 'chunky and cheerful' group! What do you say? Anyone else on board? Meet twice a day for drinks and doritos and cry to each other?? hahaha Ohhh praise sweet baby jesus for creating our beloved spanx, huh??

Heather said...

The images of my lycra moments just came to surface. I'm now shuddering from those memories! The part I love about being straight jacketed, or rather straight torsoed into these things are the fact you can't quite sit down. You're more like a board, straight and stiff and when you try to sit your legs kind of have a mind of their own and pop straight out in front of you! Oh the things we do for fashion! Oh, and yes to avoid buying that size bigger!

MKHKK said...

ROFLMAO! I have been having outfit drama for a week. I somehow don't fit in ANY of maternity crap-I mean clothes. Who wants to spend a dime when it is your last go around? But I either look like I should be in hawaii with my moo-moos or like a pregnant prostitute because the clothes are so tight! The bane of being a woman, I guess. Thanks for the laughs.

P.S. How did your Christmas letter turn out?

:o) said...

I'd be afraid to try those for fear of the sound it would make when I removed them. I always think it will make that loud pop just like the can of crescent rolls.

Momto5Minnies said...

Do they really go up to your breasts? I could use the bit of excess fat to go NORTH so that I look like a woman and not a teenage boy.

Funny ...

Devin said...

I have two pair of the actual Spanx that I took out a signature loan to afford. I look at those things in disgust each time before I heave-ho them on and then try and hold my tinkle because having to go to the bathroom just causes me to go through it all again. I've got to loose these last few pounds because Spanx stink.

Steph said...

OMG you crack me up!!! I love reading your posts. I have yet to try the Spanx, but it sounds like they will be this Mommy's new best friend!

mel said...

waahahhahaa! I wore one of those to get into the wedding dress I wanted. Had to sit straight as a rail during the entire wedding mass without exhaling. Torture.

Jennifer said...

Have really enjoyed your blog :) This one made me laugh and cry for the past 5 minutes. I bought the same Hanes knock-offs and wore them to my husband's work Christmas party. Unfortunately, it was mainly a sit-down affair. I've never felt so constricted before... But, I managed to pull the lycra out of my behind without too many people noticing...I think. Merry Christmas :)

Hope said...

I feel ya sistah! I read this and then a couple days later as I sat on the edge of my bed and realized I could tuck my boobs into the top of my underwear I had a 6 pak flashback...someone out there, I thought, as I sat and contemplated my newfound ability, would understand this.

Dymphna said...

I have the Hanes knock offs. They're more comfortable than Spanx but for fat emergencies you have to go with the Spanx Power Panties. You'll need help getting them on and off but those suckers made me look 18 again.

Beth said...

This post made me laugh out loud! You probably excited all the men at the party if the girls were hanging out!

I need to invest in a pair of Spanx but I keep telling myself I can loose weight.

Zenmomma said...

The image of you removing the Lycra and the fat shooting out an eye across the room has left me laughing out loud. I'm going to be giggling for the rest of the night now. Thanks for that!

Peggy Sez.. said...

"it shot across the room and hit my husband square in the face"

I'm laughing so hard I almost spilled me beer! They say laughing is good exercise ..keep'em coming sista!