12.12.2007

From Our House To Yours...

Our Christmas letter is like a friggen monkey on my back. I keep telling myself that I need to write it, but I have yet to get that blast of clarity where it all comes together in my mind so that I can actually put it to print.

What do I write about? Do I write about Hope's achievements in her Dressage Competitions but leave out the part where she was banned from AppleBee's because of that one incident with the toilet and a cherry bomb? Do I gush about Aaron's baseball abilities but leave out the part where he became a "person of interest" on the Homeland Security list? Do I tell everyone about Emma's singing and dancing abilities but leave out the fact that she has bowel issues that cause her to fart like a man? Do I go on and on about how adorable Mary Claire is and how she crawls and smiles but leave out the part about the projectile vomit at Mass last Sunday?

It is so hard to decide.

Do I go with brutal honesty, or do I lie? Do I write my Christmas letter to make it look like we crap rainbows and bunnies around here, or do I go off the deep end and portray my children to be juvenile delinquents that are one step closer to becoming wards of the State?

And what about my husband? Do I tell everyone about his hyper active sex drive that leaves me hiding in the closet some days or do I sugarcoat it and just let people read between the lines when I tell them that he is on a intense exercise regiment and that he somehow roped me into doing it with him?

I hate to talk about myself as well. Do I go on and on about how beautiful I am and what a fabulous mother I am and how I am devout and pious and full of blessings from Heaven, or do I peel back the layers and let everyone know about the vein I have in the middle of my forehead that throbs about 100 times a day while I am yelling things like "Who's dirty underwear is this on the lamp?" or "Why is the lawn blower in your bedroom?"

Each and every year I vow to not do a Christmas letter. I insist that this will be the year where I finally just send a nice Christmas picture where we are all clean and proper looking and let people's imagination run wild.

Each year my husband says things like "But WE have to write a letter." or "When are WE going to write the Christmas letter?" and even "I know it is hard for US to write the letter, but WE really should update people on our lives."

I don't think people really care about what we do in our lives. I mean, I don't give a crap about what goes on in other people's lives. Truthfully, when I get a Christmas letter in the mail I usually read the first paragraph and the last-I don't care about little Timmy's genius IQ or little Amy's scholarship to Harvard. I am so cynical that I don't believe them anyway.

All of that being said... I will be writing a Christmas letter this week. If you would like a copy, just email me your address and I will be happy to crack one off to you. I cannot promise it will be accurate and I may have to change a few names to protect the innocent, but it will be entertaining... at least the first and last paragraphs will be.

11 comments:

Mary Poppins NOT said...

Just make this be your Christmas letter and be done with it. It's brilliant.

Mama DB said...

Yeah, I think you should just put this post on some nice festive paper and buy some stamps.

Good luck Cris!

Kasia said...

I might take out the paragraph about not caring about other people's Christmas letters...that would go over like a pair of Cat Woman boots at a Christmas party. :-p

Devin said...

"...she has bowel issues that cause her to fart like a man?"

I just blew snot onto my screen.

Yep, THIS should be the letter.

Star Molegraaf said...

I'm with Devin- lovin that Emma can fart like a man. Go Emma!!

Steph said...

OMG, you are too funny!

Yvonne said...

One year instead of a letter I did a multiple choice quiz. It was actually the most popular among my A-listers. It allowed my creativity and imagination to flow wildly - and no one got a 100%.....

Momto5Minnies said...

I love your letter already! I could never write one so brilliantly so I have stayed clear of that task ;)

Jennifer said...

This is the best letter! Send this one!

MKHKK said...

I have been writing mine for 3 days. The first draft was the "we are the perfect family, look how smart and great my kids are", the second was the "getting closer to the truth" and the third is still in progress but is so boring I can't stand to edit it. Will you write mine instead? LOL.

Cris said...

MKHKK, Yours wouldn't be the first I wrote for someone else. If you are really at a standstill, shoot it over to me via email and I will play with it for you.

Next year I think I will start charging people, this year you get the discounted rate of free!