Our Christmas letter is like a friggen monkey on my back. I keep telling myself that I need to write it, but I have yet to get that blast of clarity where it all comes together in my mind so that I can actually put it to print.
What do I write about? Do I write about Hope's achievements in her Dressage Competitions but leave out the part where she was banned from AppleBee's because of that one incident with the toilet and a cherry bomb? Do I gush about Aaron's baseball abilities but leave out the part where he became a "person of interest" on the Homeland Security list? Do I tell everyone about Emma's singing and dancing abilities but leave out the fact that she has bowel issues that cause her to fart like a man? Do I go on and on about how adorable Mary Claire is and how she crawls and smiles but leave out the part about the projectile vomit at Mass last Sunday?
It is so hard to decide.
Do I go with brutal honesty, or do I lie? Do I write my Christmas letter to make it look like we crap rainbows and bunnies around here, or do I go off the deep end and portray my children to be juvenile delinquents that are one step closer to becoming wards of the State?
And what about my husband? Do I tell everyone about his hyper active sex drive that leaves me hiding in the closet some days or do I sugarcoat it and just let people read between the lines when I tell them that he is on a intense exercise regiment and that he somehow roped me into doing it with him?
I hate to talk about myself as well. Do I go on and on about how beautiful I am and what a fabulous mother I am and how I am devout and pious and full of blessings from Heaven, or do I peel back the layers and let everyone know about the vein I have in the middle of my forehead that throbs about 100 times a day while I am yelling things like "Who's dirty underwear is this on the lamp?" or "Why is the lawn blower in your bedroom?"
Each and every year I vow to not do a Christmas letter. I insist that this will be the year where I finally just send a nice Christmas picture where we are all clean and proper looking and let people's imagination run wild.
Each year my husband says things like "But WE have to write a letter." or "When are WE going to write the Christmas letter?" and even "I know it is hard for US to write the letter, but WE really should update people on our lives."
I don't think people really care about what we do in our lives. I mean, I don't give a crap about what goes on in other people's lives. Truthfully, when I get a Christmas letter in the mail I usually read the first paragraph and the last-I don't care about little Timmy's genius IQ or little Amy's scholarship to Harvard. I am so cynical that I don't believe them anyway.
All of that being said... I will be writing a Christmas letter this week. If you would like a copy, just email me your address and I will be happy to crack one off to you. I cannot promise it will be accurate and I may have to change a few names to protect the innocent, but it will be entertaining... at least the first and last paragraphs will be.