Emma-isms...

My six year old cracks me up. She has the funniest sense of humor-it is dry yet silly-the perfect combination if you ask me.

It is this humor that has put her on a "behavioral chart" at school. Every day she comes home with a smiley face or a dot to let me know how her behavior was for that day.

This was her teacher's idea, and although I know her teacher is very proud of herself for thinking it up... I think it is rather tiresome.

I mean.... SHE IS SIX! Six year olds are supposed to be silly and loud and run around and hug each other and tell stories that last for 36 minutes without stopping to take a breath!

It is all part of discovering who they are... and my six year old is FABULOUS!

One day she came home with a dreaded DOT... and her explanation was "Mom, a kid challenged me and said that I wouldn't be able to stand on top of the toilet seat... so I did it, because she said I couldn't, and I did... seriously mom, that is why. I'm not kidding."

She also likes to use the word "BAM!" as in.... "I was telling Aaron a story about a little unicorn who skipped through the forest and then BAM!-the unicorn turned into a piece of poop." or "Hope said I couldn't get the dishes out of the top cabinet but I was all BAM! and showed her that I could do it. Sorry for the broken dishes mom."

Try "BAMMING!" someone today-it'll make you feel better. I promise.

Hope always likes to ask me to spell things for her (because she is spelling inept-no matter how hard she tries she forgets that "I comes before E" and blah blah blah...

Yesterday Hope asked me "How do you spell relief?" and Emma, who had been asking for a snack for the past 45 minutes (because dinner was an hour earlier) said "How do you spell 'can Emma have a snack?"

And I just laughed my ass off at that kid.

Because she makes me smile-and smiling is one of my favorite things to do!

It's Okay... Tomorrow Monday Will Be Over!

It is a Monday after an action-packed weekend and I am pooped.

But I didn't want to leave you hanging for the Monday Swoon because I know how Mondays can be... especially after a action-packed weekend when you are pooped and don't want to go on.

When the alarm goes off at O'Dark-Thirty and you just want to smash it to little bits because it is MONDAY!

Ugh.

So-to get you through this day, even though I am pooped, I give you a man that could be your coffee in the morning:

Your reason for wearing perfume to the grocery store:

And I am willing to bet my life that he probably smells like a lazy Sunday afternoon nap.

If all of THAT didn't help boost your Monday and you want to just smile and giggle from the inside out-go here.

You are welcome!

Now get back to work!

Experts Say That Women Speak Up To 20,000 Words A Day... And Their Point Is?

Once upon a time... the other day I was all alone-all day long. No kids, no friends, no family... just alone.

Then I saw my girlfriend and she had been alone all day as well...



And we kept talking over each other-telling each other about our day, our thoughts, our analysis of the most recent fashion trend of thigh-high boots, why we are amazed at the phenomenon that causes men to lose their leg hair where their socks are yet we still have to shave every other day for eternity, what the text message said that our second cousin twice removed sent us, why Oprah thinks she is hot-shit, who we think is hot-shit, then make general observations of women wearing cable-knit sweaters, recall our memories of wearing cable-knit sweaters in high school, laugh when we discover we both are wearing cable-knit sweaters again, and basically discuss why we do the voodoo that we do...

And we were happy again.

The End.

I Can't Take It Anymore!!!

I hate the Old Navy commercials.

I hate the "Supermodelquins"

I think they need to be disassembled and set on fire!

La La La... WHAT? La La La...

You know those moments right after you have a baby and you finally get the little one calmed down and napping happily before you, and you are able to sit... stare off into space... maybe daydream about fitting into your fat jeans again?

Those moments where your mind just lets your body detach itself and when you "come to" you wonder how long you had been sitting there with your eyes transfixed on the curtains and your mouth slightly open?

That little time of relaxation that God grants newly exhausted mothers so that they can reboot a little-take a deep breath and go on with their day regardless of the spit up stains on their t-shirt and the fact that they are wearing their husbands sweatpants because their yoga pants split at the crotch just that morning?

That fraction of a second when you can wonder what your life would have been like if Timmy Murphy had asked you to prom instead of Newman Pawlowski and where you would be if you had the guts to go to Julliard because you always thought you were a fabulous dancer?

And then it happens...



The baby moves, sneezes, coughs, giggles, cries or even sits up and says "Hey! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" and you jump about 10 feet out of your overly saggy skin and are shot back to reality!

Your heart beats out of your chest and you actually choke on your own saliva because your mouth was dry from being propped open during your 2 minute sabbatical!

You may even say something like "Holy Shit!" or "Holy Crap!" because at moments like these, when you are happy and content and then the littlest thing happens to scare the pee right out of your bladder, you have to pray and curse all at the same time!

And because once we have a baby, we are always a mom... until the day we die. We will always have our children in our thoughts-(even if our thoughts are of Matthew McConaughey)-the moment our children move, breathe, make a peep or just sigh a happy sigh we are awake-aware-on duty and ready to lend a helping hand...

Even if that helping hand is just simply taking a look and accessing that all if fine and we can go back to our yummy bamboo and staring off into space.

My Life...

You have no idea how much this picture makes me smile...






And you have no idea how much it screams "THIS IS JUNE'S LIFE!"

Friends, family, kids... I am sure all of you can relate.

Hope is makes you giggle!

Grandpa Mac... The Original Swoon

The other day my Aunt Barb sent out a couple of pictures of my Grandpa Mac. As soon as I opened them up I had to smile.

The first photo is my favorite because I love that my Grandpa was smart, that he wore a overcoat and hat and that he was a positive example of a good man. He was a man of conviction and worth, of faith and strength. He IS the original Swoon for me.





He was the kind of Grandpa that made you feel like he loved you more than the rest-and he made each of his grand kids feel that way.

He was cool because he had a wooden leg. Yeah-I know! Isn't that COOL! How many kids can go to school and tell their friends that their grandpa has a wooden leg?

His car was all fixed up so that he could still drive even though he had a wooden leg-how many kids could drive in their Grandpa's car and see the AMAZING, out of this world, special pimped out knobs because he was THAT COOL?

He always had a pocket full of caramels for us kids.

One late summer night I was running around the neighborhood with my shirt off (I was a tomboy and my best friend was a boy so I went through a phase where I wanted to be a boy and therefore ran around with my shirt off like my best friend did... I think I was 4.) Anyway, this summer night had a bit of a chill in the air and I ran past my Grandpa who was sitting on a lawn chair and he grabbed me and wrapped his strong warm arms around me and said "Aren't you cold without a shirt?" I remember how warm and cozy his arms were-the perfect hug.

His house had the best Grandpa smell you could ever imagine. I loved it-

He always had Town House crackers for snacks.

He had stacks of National Geographic Magazines in his living room.

I still have Spaghetti on Wednesday nights because when I was a kid my Grandpa rotated having dinner at each of his 4 children's homes-we had Wednesday night and my mom made him spaghetti. It is a habit that I will never tire of because of him.

I miss him.

I loved him so~

What Was I Going To Say?

I woke up with a great idea for today's post, but by the time I grabbed my laptop I completely forgot what I was thinking about. Foiled again by the morning hangover.

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My bedroom has an "open plan" which is fancy talk for "the bathroom does not have a door" so anyone and their brother can walk in on you when you are stepping out of the shower. And can I just say that no bathroom door makes for a FREEZING cold towel off after a hot shower because there is nothing to hold all that warm delicious air in? Who ever thought of this "open plan" concept for bathrooms is an idiot. Seriously.

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I am coming to you from the confines of my warm bed because it is cold out there people-I stuck my foot out from under my heavy down comforter just a millisecond ago and now I have frostbite. I am not joking. I love this time of year but I hate being cold, I don't understand why God wanted us to have cold weather. Is is to toughen us up? If that is so it is not working because cold weather just makes me a wimp and afraid to get out of bed in the morning. Wait a minute... does that mean I would not survive the "survival of the fittest" theory where the weak are killed off so that the strong hairy people can survive? Oh my Lord-

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Why does it take the warm water so long to travel from the water heater in the basement to my shower up here? It is irritating. I turn on the shower, make my bed, toss my pj's in the hamper, grab my razor, rearrange the soaps, shampoos, conditioners and lotions on the ledge so they look pretty and weigh myself and the water is STILL cold. In the meantime I am standing around naked waiting for the water to warm up and having all of my children walk in on me because I don't have a door to my bathroom.

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One thing I do LOVE about the chilly weather is sweatshirts. Yes. Sweatshirts offer me the ability to wear my size 4 jeans that give me massive muffin top and belly hang but no one knows because I have a sweatshirt on covering up all of my unfortunate body flaws. This may be the reason why I gain 10 lbs every winter because if I have a sweatshirt on I will eat all of my dinner and have dessert because the evidence will be hidden. I have 6 months until April when I start to panic about my muffin top and belly hang... I have to live it up while I can!

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Sigh... well, I have procrastinated long enough. It is time for me to venture out into the cold and start my day. The 6 year old started her day at the crack of dawn because it is Saturday and she does not have to go to school and mom likes to sleep in a little on Saturdays so she has to do everything in her little loving power to make sure THAT does not happen. I'm so happy I am the mom of little people.

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Seriously.

Mornings... Grumble Grumble...

I hate mornings. I really do.

Wait, let me change that... I hate waking up in the morning.

Yeah-that is it.

I don't mind mornings, actually I kind of like them-going around and making beds and picking up odds and ends while the sun is shining through the newly opened blinds.

It gives me a sense of hope-of newness-of me being a maid to my children who are little lazy butts who can't pick up a single pair of underpants from the bathroom floor if I told them I would take them to Disney World!!!

A friend told me that the reason I don't like waking up in the morning is because I go to bed so late at night.

This is true. I am a night owl, but only because that is the only time of the day when I do not have someone looking to me to make their life easier. It is the only time that I can actually watch something that I want to watch on the television that does not have puppets, cartoon characters or grown men singing children songs and acting like lunatics.

I love my late nights.

But last night I went to bed early. I was exhausted and it was just the perfect combination of chilly in my house and warm under my covers that made me drift off to slumber about 3 hours earlier than I usually do.

And I woke up feeling FAB U LOUS! I was amazed! What is the crazy thing called "sleep" that I have been missing?

So I went about my chore of waking the savage beasts that live with me. The 14 year old gets up earlier than the rest of us because she is in high school now and has to do her hair so she is only embarrassed by the fact that her mother picks her up from school in a ponytail, yoga pants and an oversized sweatshirt every day of her mother-loving-please-help-me-survive-her-social-status life, and the baby is usually up at the crack of dawn singing songs like "A, B, G, F, E" and "mommymommymommymommymommy" which comes in such a sing-song rhythm that you can't help but be lulled back to sleep to it. Pfft.

But the middle two... they are bears in the morning, and we aren't talking fun-loving circus bears that ride unicycles and wear cute little Shriner hats... no, we are talking "rip all your limbs off and dance on your rotting carcass" bears.

I usually get really irritated by this morning ritual of corralling the feral children every morning, but today-with my newly refreshed full night of sleep mind, I was able to fend off yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs until the neighbors called CPS on me... AGAIN!

My pleasant mood helped the 6 year old be happy and cheery before she walked out the door. She didn't even argue with me about clothes this morning! I need to call Guinness Book of World Records.

But the boy in the house, he did not play into my evil plan of actually being NICE to my kids in the morning and he was still his usual "angry-boy" self.

I am proud of him for sticking to his convictions.

At least he is consistent.

When he makes up his mind-he does not change it.

He has a strong personality.

He is just training for the day he is a prison warden.

Sigh...

Walker... College Girl Ranger.

Yes, I am aware it is Tuesday. Yes, I am aware that the Swoon did not go up on Monday. Yes, I am aware that I am a slacker...

I have sick kids at home and have survived Homecoming weekend with a Freshman... cut me some slack.

On Sunday night I went to my favorite place to eat dinner in the world... Dairy Queen. I love M&M Blizzards, I really do. They are God's gift to humanity and I thank Him every morning for them.

"Hey God? This is June... how are ya? I know that Iran is keeping you busy and Health Care has probably got you pulling your Spiritual hair out... but I would like to thank you for Dairy Queen M&M Blizzards because I think they are great and they make me smile, and I know when I smile, You smile with me... so I hope you could forget about the fact that nine out of ten teens are not getting their daily allowance of fruits and vegetables for just a brief Heavenly nanosecond and know that MILLIONS are probably thankful to You for ice cream. Amen."

I am nothing if not Faithful... no matter what you may think you know about me.

Anyway... I went to DQ with one of my favorite people in the world! I have known Christiana since she was in my Small Group as a Freshman in high school and now she is a Sophomore in college-and my daughter, who was just a little squirt when Christiana came into our lives is now a Freshman in high school and Christiana thinks she is old.

Yeah... sure.

I asked Christiana who I should put on the swoon. She sat and thought for a moment and then jumped out of her seat and shouted

"PAUL WALKER!!!"

"Who is Paul Walker?"

"He is the totally hot guy in the movie Fast and Furious."

"Oh, that explains it."

"Have you ever seen the movies Fast and Furious?"

"Uhm... no"

"Well, you HAVE TO!"

So because Christiana is feeling old because my child is growing up, I thought I would make her smile and not only put Mr. Walker on the Swoon... but I would link you to her blog-which is totally fun because she is giving us the play by play of college life--and not by a kid that drinks every night and skips class (that would have been my college blog) but this blog is by a good kid who remembers who she is!

Upoon hearing how mucho grande taco bell Christiana likes this Paul Walker character, I decided to call him up. I told him all about Christiana and he asked if his agent could set up a date with her. I said "No way Buddy!" So then he asked if he could call her himself and I handed him her number and said "Do with it what you wish..." and walked away. (I am cool like that). But then I ran around the corner and did a little surveillance with my camera and got this shot:

This is Paul on the phone with Christiana asking her out on a date... and then getting a little perturbed when he had to repeat who he was four times before she remembered him.

This is Paul waiting for Christiana on their date. Look at how he is gazing into the future... THEIR future... I can just tell he is imagining a little house on a hill with a couple of dogs running around. Notice how he didn't wear shoes-he was totally anticipating her knocking his socks off so he decided to save himself the step.

And this is where he was at a movie premier and was saying "Sorry ladies... I love Christiana, but I hear Vin Diesel is single."



Good call Paul... and good luck with Christiana!