6.30.2008

Those %$#^%$@$ Kids!

Two weeks in our new home now and my son has already waged a war with the boys on the other side of the street. He refers to them as the "cussing kids" because they apparently curse like sailors when they are playing at the park. I, being the very best mother in the world, decided to go down to the park when all of the boys are out just to see what we are up against... and if anyone was cussing I was going to grab them by their shirt collar and in my meanest-teeth clenched voice say: "Don't you know who I am? I am your worst nightmare." Then I would throw rocks at them, TP their houses and have pizzas delivered to their house at all hours of the night. You have to know how to fight 10 year old boys...

Yesterday I went down to the park and all the boys were being sweet as pie because there was a Grandma there. I thought that maybe she had heard of the cussing kids reputations and was there to open a can of Grandma whoop-ass on them. I walked over to her, thinking I was walking over to a kindred spirit, a woman who would have my back, a team member, but she had never heard of these boys cussing. In fact, she thought all of these boys were just the sweetest, kindest and most well-behaved boys she had ever laid eyes on. I knew at that very moment that I was going to be dealing with some horrible, terrible, obnoxious boys... the kind that can pull the wool over a little old lady so masterfully. They reminded me a little of myself when I was a kid, but we aren't talking about me here, we are talking about the surly gang of 10 year old misfits that roam my middle class neighborhood looking to get into a gang fight... or something like that.

I staked out the park for a good hour and nothing happened. My back was getting tired of sitting on hard benches and my butt had a permanent diamond pattern embedded in it from the recycled plastic that these benches were made out of. Even when they were well behaved I knew which one was the ring leader. He was a boy that reminded me of the character "Biff" in the "Back to the Future" films. I knew he was just waiting me out and the moment I left the cussing and bullying would begin.

I started thinking of how bad there benches were for people with hemorrhoids, and not that I HAVE hemorrhoids, but I definitely did not want to tell my doctor that the reason why I need hemorrhoid surgery is because I sat on a recycled park bench with little holes in it for so long that my butt started to become one with the bench... so I went home.

Before I left I walked over to the grandma and said good-bye. She told me she would be on the look out for any cursing. I thanked her and as I turned to leave my son tripped and fell. As he did, he yelled "Oh SHIT!" I saw the Grandma lift one of her eyebrows and tisked her little dentured mouth. I grabbed my son by the collar and said, "You don't cuss! I don't give a CRAP who you think you are!" Then I walked home without looking back.

I hate being the new neighbor on the block.

16 comments:

Domestic Spaz said...

Thank you for making my morning. LOL! This sounds like my life.

Anonymous said...

Next you'll find out that everyone in the neighborhood is related...so you can't talk about anyone! HAHA!
Love,
Aunt Barbara

Maurisa said...

Hysterical! Our only hope is that when they get to be teens, we get the opportunity to embarrass them someday!

MKHKKH said...

My little seven year old sweet girl was doing the dishes and said to me, "Dad does like crap!" I said, "What?!?!" and tried really hard not to laugh and give her a high 5. I told her I was the only one in the house that can say that.

stupidfathobbit said...

June,
Just catching up with you after a week or so. Sounds like the move went well. Debbie arrived in Pakistan just fine and we've done this great Skype (video camera thingy) each night (here) so we're really keeping in touch. If you could, add her to your prayer list (or maybe just me and the kids, who will probably need it more). BTW, Debbie and I were in Bed, Bath, and Whatever the day before she left and lo and behold there was a dice game in which the dice contained L, R, and M on them. There was no mention of drinking anywhere on the package but (having been to your house before) I knew better. Hope Omaha survives your 3rd trip. God bless you and the family,
Patrick

Cris said...

Patrick-I will add Deb and your clan to the prayer list. Have you found yourself curled up in the fetal position in the middle of the kitchen sucking your thumb because you don't know how to clean toilets or make dinner without your wife around yet? Just kidding... if you need anything give me a call and I will send you a case of beer.

I hope you bought the dice game. It would be a crying shame if you didn't... my work would all have been in vain.

Cheers,
Cris

Lela said...

First time visitor and I have laughed until I have tears in my eyes. Thanks.

Shannon T said...

Thanks for the post! Made my day a little brighter!

Anonymous said...

Where DO these kids learn these bad words??? ;-D

Anonymous said...

Oh! while you are on this subject, have you seen this hysterical video?
http://youtube.com/watch?v=a_zK2apRHI4

Soul Pockets said...

That was a funny story. I thought you were going to say the Grandma started to cuss you out.

Employee No. 3699 said...

Thanks for the laugh!

Sue B. said...

That was so funny! Don't TP houses or throw rocks, but the pizza idea is good.

Nadja Magdalena said...

@#$kids! Where the *%#@# do you think they pick up that kind of *&%$@#@ language?!!

Aubrey said...

You are so funny!

Anonymous said...

It must be going around. Atleast your son did it accidentally, in response to something that happened to him. We were at a playground just yesterday and I had to go over to remind a pair of 9-10yo juvenile delinquents of just where they were and that their bad language did NOT belong there. They were all meek and scared and "ok", "ok", "ok". So, I was feeling all proud of myself for making the world a better place...until...the moment they rode away on their bikes and yelled back to me at the top of their lungs: "F--- YOU!" Totally called for rocks and tp. ;o)