3.04.2008

We Gathered Around The Toilet And Sang "Happy Birthday"...

I have not had any ideas to put onto this blog. Each day I sit at this here computer and stare at the screen and think "I have the most boring life in the world! I have nothing to write about!"

I told my kids about this, trying to get some creative juices flowing, and my son suggested that I tell you the story of the poo on the toilet seat. It is a great story-I suggest you go get a snack, because it is always fun to eat while reading a good story. Who am I kidding... it is fun to eat while reading a crappy story as well.

Anyway, a few years ago on one of Hope's birthdays, I was icing her cake. She always requests a chocolate cake with chocolate icing. I am a world class cake icer-I even decorate. As I was making little milk chocolate flowers, I discovered that if I squeezed the icing a certain way, it looked like a little terd. This got me all giggly...

I ran upstairs to my kids bathroom and squeezed some chocolate icing on the back of the toilet seat.

I then started yelling-ranting and screaming about the poo on the back of the toilet! My son came running to see. I asked him if he was the culprit-to which he denied pooing on the toilet seat.

I should have received an Oscar for my performance because I refused to believe that it was not him that went poo. I walked over to the poo and, to my son's disgusted surprise, I put my finger in the poo. I then smelled the poo and finally tasted the poo. My son's eyes were the size of saucers. I confirmed the fact to my son that yes, it was poo and he was going to taste it as well!

I think my son may have suffered a small seizure, and then he started running and screaming away from me. I started chasing him with poo on my finger demanding that he taste his own poo for his punishment.

I have no idea what was going through my son's mind but it was probably something like this:
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHE IS A CRAZY WOMAN!"

I finally caught up with him and tackled him to the ground. He was screaming and maybe even crying a little (yes, I am a sinisterly evil mother).

I forced my finger on his lip and he had no choice but to taste the poo...

The screams of horror faded and my son was trying to decipher between two thoughts. #1 Does poo taste like chocolate? #2 How fast can I get to the phone to call Child Protective Services?

In the end we all had a good laugh. The funniest part of the story is that my husband sat in the family room and did not even look up from Fox News. He knows me well and he has obviously decided to be the calm in the storm that we call life.

Oh, and by the way, my son only had to go to therapy for 2 months before his mind was right again. He is like a rock!

17 comments:

+JMJ+ said...

Well....I'm cackling...and imagining the how and the when that I can pull this off on onw of my own unsuspecting children.

Mama DB said...

That was truly awesome, Cris. Bravo!

Jenny said...

I was too intrigued to leave for a moment to get a snack, but I did get a hearty laugh! Way too funny, good for you!

Stina said...

I have no words...lots of laughs...but no words!

Abbie said...

Holy Cow, I nearly peed myself just now from laughing so hard. And anyone who knows me, knows I love a good poo story, I have to say that was one of the best I've heard! hhahaha :)
Thanks for the giggles...

Diva Mom Vicki said...

Oh my goodness. You are HILARIOUS! A gal just posted a link to your blog on our Catholic Mom's Message board (Magisterium Mamas) and I'm just besides myself with laughter!

Totally bookmarking you!

Kasia said...

OH. MY. GOODNESS.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Your poor son...

My poor sides...

Gretchen said...

OMG that's awful and hilarious. Was he ready to kill you?

"D" AKA CI-Roller Dude said...

Mrs Cleaver, I think the icing on the toliet seat is a great idea...in the Army we'd take it one step further and make sure we had a bunch of grunts come and look then....well, I'll leave that for you to think of how we'd end the story....

My hero in Leave it To Beaver was Eddy Haskil by the way.

care-in said...

A friend of my mom (in D.C.) shared your blog. This is hysterical!

You might appreciate these unique toys:
http://www.amazon.com/Pee-Poo-Plush-Dolls-Set/dp/B000NOQV24

Michelle said...

This made me cry...and my throat is sore from trying to stifle guffaws and read it to my husband at the same time.

Jud said...

I need to try this with my daughter - soon. Muahahaha

Star Molegraaf said...

why are you so stinkin funny? i had to call Hans at work and read this to him- he was cracking up!

Therese said...

That's the funniest damn thing I have ever heard!!!!! I got tears coming out of my eyes...oh no, I think I peed my pants!!

Therese said...

That's the funniest damn thing I have ever heard!!!!! I got tears coming out of my eyes...oh no, I think I peed my pants!!

Lane Boyz Mom said...

OMG you are BRILLIANT, my dear, simply BRILLIANT! I will be using your game on my own two nasty boys, ahhhh sweet revenge, LOL

A Simple Sinner said...

You know, for my money, nothing ever really beats a good poo story.